SECRET THOUGHTS AND MORE

New Beginnings are Bittersweet

2011-01-09T10:11:00.000-08:00

Hello friends,

I just keep slacking on my blog, so sorry for those who care. I will try my hardest to keep it up and going. I had a pretty good Christmas, and the New Year is off to a not so good start. I had a chance to work for a company, but turned it down, due to fright of working with lots of men. I don't know why I let things go before even giving them a chance. But they say, "things happen for a reason", so hopefully something better is waiting in the wings of life. I am watching TV, and doing the facebook thingy. Gotta love fb...some days it's the only thing that gives me hope and boosts my self-esteem. I know, I know...false friends, false hopes...big dreams, big hopes...If one looks at it that way, that's all you'll ever get if falseness. I know something good will happen, in both my financial and love life very soon. When you feel like giving up, that's when it will happen.

Well, I have things to do, I think..lol...I will be back on here later, so will write more. Oh, I love my cat, fonzie, so much. He brings happiness, when nothing else does. Have a great day friends, and have a blessed day.

Sincerely,
Barbara :) http://lorraine6363.picturecookie.com/

Only have a few minutes to write

2010-12-14T10:07:00.000-08:00

Just writing my Christmas wish....All I want for Christmas is love and a good job...Is that really asking for too much. I have people who love me in my love...but I want a true man who cares, and puts me first. Also Santa....I really really need a good job..I could have asked for a house, or car, or whatever...but my wishes are pretty easy for you to fulfill..Thanks Santa in advance♥

Talk soon frinds,
Barbara http://lorraine6363.picturecookie.com/

A new day begins

2010-12-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

Good morning all,

My daughter stayed home sick from school again. Not a good way to start the day..I hope she feels better soon. Just cleaning house and watching TV..oh, and facebook, which I love. Still reading through all my new information on work at home cash generator....it's very interesting I must say...just glad it didn't cost much, only 2.97..which was a lot cheaper then one of my classes I've taking at my local college. For sure not going back to school. My mind is made up, and I will succeed if it's the last thing I do. My plan is to hopefully get a full time job ( the one I applied to in manufacturing), and save save save..while looking for a good investment in some kind of work at home business. Going to read and reread; learn and relearn all my new information on how to make money blogging, sending e-mails, and designing using my Illustrator and web coding skills...( I may not be graduating, but I did learn a thing or two about these subjects). Something will happen, I can feel it.

On a lighter note, my two cats are doing goodl..love my cats dearly. They bring me peace when people don't seem to cut it. One of these days I will get married again, because I love being married..when my time is right, God will let this happen. Good things happen to good people, and I feel as if I am a good person, so I will not lose my determination to win in a relationship and career. Have a wonderful day friends, and lets make some money..so we can survive, and help others who need help as well..:)

Barbara http://lorraine6363.picturecookie.com/

New investment

2010-12-01T13:37:00.000-08:00

Hello friends

How is everyone doing today? Good I hope. Well, I invested a little money into a work at home project but still learning all the ends and outs of this venture. Looks really interesting and will keep everyone posted on how this works. It's called In Home Cash Generator..This package gives one all the tools needed to make money online marketing whatever product one uses. For instance, if you do a lot of blogging, you can get all the traffic information guides, and several ebooks that upload to one's computer. I'm still in the process of doing this. And the best thing is no one has to buy this product from me or I don't have to sell anything to anyone. I paid shipping and handling, and then was given a user name with a code, and didn't have to wait on the books to come in the mail. There is lots of good stuff in this...mostly done by video, so one can see exactly how to put tags in the blogs, and when and where to send written articles to receive payment. I will put the link at the bottom if anyone wants to view. Don't worry, I get nothing for you doing this, I just thought it might help some of you out. I have to go now, but will try and get back on tonight. Have a wonderful money making day:)

Barbara ~~

http://www.inhomecashgenerator.com/
http://lorraine6363.picturecookie.com/

Thinks trying to work at home is impossible

2010-11-22T11:27:00.000-08:00

Yep.....offically believe working at home is for the experienced people who already have some kind of talent. I've been trying for over 3 years, and still don't have a clue how people do it without putting out money first, in which I don't have. The picturecookie thingy is a big joke. I still have it up, why, I don't know..it's crazy. Anyways, I just hope I can find a job any where. Can ya tell....my spirit is gone for the day. Guess I should stop typing and go pick up my daughter from school...so I can be emotionally abused by her for a while..this takes my mind off the other problem, of not having a job..Have a wonderful day friends...:)

Barbara :)

Watchin the Waltons and searching for a job...AGAIN

2010-11-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

Hello friends..I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend...but like everything...all good things must come to an end..I wonder who said that anyways? Or did I just make it up...anyway...it did come to and end, none the less., and I'm right back here at my computer..stll waiting on a magical work at home job to drop in my lap..Only time will tell..
I have some of the best friends on facebook. So supportive. They don't know for the most part how badly depressed I am, or how badly I need a job. I have a total of 150 friends on fb, and most of them have awesome careers....I get jealous some days, and have to turn my computer off. I want so badly what they have...I know that sounds bad, and its not the material things they have, but the fact that they can brag about going to work. I want so badly to sign in fb ad say...."Well, see ya late..off to work"..Some people would want to stay home, but not me. I want a career more then anything else (besides being madly in love with a husband sitting beside me)...but that's another story for another day I suppose. Anyway, I can't Wait much, cause its interfering with my job search. So will write more later. By the way, I had a very bad night with my 16 year old daughter. Don't know what I am doing to do with that girl.
Don't forget to stop by my cookie store please..It would be nice to sell 1 cookie..so maybe I can brag a little.lol...Enjoy this day:)

Barbara http://lorraine6363.picturecookie.com

Just a lazy kind of Sunday

2010-11-14T09:23:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone...Hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday..I'm just watching Lifetime movies, and being lazy actually. Trying not to think of negative things today. I may see what jobs are up in wahm.com and some jobs sites around my home base...or not. Like the idea of doing nothing today..I did get dressed...pj's off...so not too lazy. I just seen an advertisement for a Johnny Depp movie..OH YEAH!!! "The Tourist" looks really really awesome. Comes out on December 10th..can't wait.

So I am trying to change my background layout because these dots are not working for me anymore..lol. A friend blogger suggested looking for free layouts on google, and I did..and seen a bunch I love. I tried to change mine, but for some reason everything changed but the words. So I changed it back asap. I probably could have fixed it, but did it quick, and was about to leave the house, so I just changed it back to the norm for now..I may re-mess with here soon today, if I can get out of this lazy mood. Not sure what I did...I followed the directions and all...but when I reviewed it, the layout was there, but still all the blue dots in my wording..lol..Now my major use to be graphic design, with some web design using coding. I gave my great coding book away to a guy friend in one of my classes...so now I have to purchase a new web coding book.You might know, when I give something away, I will need it..oh well. He needed it more at the time because he works in web design and needed some of the codes he couldn't find.

Okay, here I am typing away about nothing really. I really should try and find a job typing because I enjoy it so much. Will write more later...Enjoy this day~~

Barbara :( http://lorraine6363.picturecookie.com/

So I heard to have a successful blog site, I must be writing about a certain topic

2010-11-12T12:38:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but I believe we can blog on anything...I guess the money makers use different kinds of page set-ups. Maybe when I get big time like them, I will change to something else. For now, I guess blogspot is okay. Still don't know if people really make lots of money blogging anyways. In fact, I haven't I have been searching on the Internet for over 3 years, and have still not found the golden key to success on here, unless I am willing to hash out lots of money. If I'm missing something, would someone please speak up..and thank you if you do.

So, my cookie business is not doing so well yet. Haven't sold one single cookie..It's really okay though..because it didn't cost anything to set up, so might as well keep on trying with it. I am still going to contact them with some ideas I have on them making more money on their product. It is a good idea, and I'm sure someone is making good money off this business. I am going to design my own advertising flyer's and hopefully send them out to churches and such...maybe this will help grow this business. One day I will find the right business to be in.

Getting ready to head to my dad's for a while. Love my parents. I spend as much time as possible with them, since they live so close. It's also 72 degrees here in Indiana. The perfect day..need to enjoy cause by Sunday, the high will be 52 and rain..then probably snow..yuckville...Well, will catch you all later. Enjoy this Friday nite..:)

Barbara :) http://lorraine6363.picturecookie.com/

~Hmmm...doing facebook, and job searching..gezzz~~

2010-11-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends,
Getting a headache today...I sure hope I'm not getting sick. As soon as I write this I'm gonna lay down for a few minutes. Just took my 16 year old daughter and her boyfriend to the park. She is getting so demanding in her old age. I bend over backwards for that girl, and she still talks to me mean...What can ya do..??

While taking her to the park, of couse something had to dampen my mood. I ran out of fuel..and had to call my boyfriend, or friend, or baby's daddy..not sure which fits, but anyways, had to wait on a busy street for him to bring the fuel. Not one person stopped tosee if we needed help..and I memorized each and every one of those millions of cars that passed me and didn't stop..lol..It's all good, I had someone coming, but you'd think someone would at least stop and ask...Karma is a bitc, so like I said...it's all good. My applications will have to wait. I need to lay down....stress is getting the best of me at the moment. Will hollar back at ya later. Have a wonderful day and try and visist my cookie shopie..lol..

Barbara :)

Oh yeah, please visit my cookie store..Thank you~~

2010-11-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

Watching CMA's

2010-11-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

Hello all....Just sitting here watching the CMA's.....and decided I really hate the song "Stuck like Glue", by Sugarland...I like Sugarland, but I hate that song...lol..
Been putting in more applications today, still hoping I get something before Christmas. I hope this picturecookie thing takes off, but someone should really tell the company owner that the prices are just a little high. It's great deals for social occasions like church events and the such, but to just buy a box can be expensiive. But they are good, and nicley packaged, so maybe if I had money like most people in this world, I wouldn't think the price was bad. Anyways, it is fun and I just pray it takes off.
How is everyone tonight? Good I hope. I am trying to visist as many blog sites as I can each day and will try and leave a comment. It's been so long since I last blogged, I can't even remember who's I use to visit a lot, except a few that were close to me. I see such nicely done blogs, you guys should be proud. Is anyone making any good money doing this blog thing? Just curiious if anyones is making the big time yet. If so, can you give me some hints..lol..would really appreciate it. Well, gonna finish watching the CMA's. Will write more tomorrow. Enjoy this nite

Barbara :)

It's been a while

2010-11-09T07:41:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I last blogged, but hey I'm back. With new thoughts and new idea's on life and love. I am still living single, but still see my daughter's daddy everyday. I know right, doesn't make since, but really, what does nowadaysss. lol. I am now offically not going back to school. It has been nothing but a headache for the past 7 years. Time to throw in the towel, and try new things. I am going to spend more time searching the net looking for ways to make a living from home, and start by trying to sell cookies using "Picturecookie"....I am a shopkeeper, so will let you know how this goes. Not expecting big income, just have to start some where, and this is my where for now. Plus, I am actively putting like a million app's a day online in hopes of finding anything....hoping for manufacturing:)Well, have a lots to do today, so will for sure write more later..Have a wonderful day friends. Also I will put my new picturecookie website right here, so you can check it out. Barbara :)

http://lorraine6363.picturecookie.com

Wow...It's been forever and a Day since I've wrote on here...lol...

2009-10-23T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone...I finally got a computer again...man after all this time. Hope everyone has been doing good on there blogs...Right now I am doing some illustrator work, so I can't write much, but will be back later to recap how my year has been going. Love to hear from you guys, if you're still around. Talk again soon......

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Celebrity Rehab, its gonna be a great nite

2008-12-11T08:24:00.000-08:00

Wow, its Thursday already, this week going by so fast. Was watching "The View", but Obama started talking so I thought I would write for a few minutes. Tonight Celebrity Rehab is on. Has anyone ever watched this show? I love it. Some day I would like to find a way to help people with additions, but that's a hard job to take on. People usually don't stop until they're ready to stop. I know way too many who are addicted to something. Anyway, back to the show. You know some of it is acting, because after all, most of them are famous for acting, but it's still sad, especially Jeff. He can be so funny, and at the same time he makes me so sad. And the model, I forgot her name, she is addicted to Xanax and pills like this. I feel her pain. I too, am taking Xanax, but I feel as I really need them. If I tried to stop, I would have severe panic and would have to go the hospital. Her mom is on them as well. She says her mom started her on them. That's sad. I hope my daughter doesn't start thinking pills are a way to live. I try not to take them around her, but sometimes when I'm having a very back panic attack, I have to. I had some anxiety this morning, but feel a little better now, not much, but can relax a little. I want more then anything to be able to go out my door, without having fear. Fear of the unknown is what it is. But usually I know where I'm going( I hope I do, or I better come back in..lol), so I don't know why its so hard to leave this apartment. Anyway, I have Celebrity Rehab to look forward to tonight. Also Grey's is on, love that show too. If I can just make it till tonight. I love nite time, I put on my Jammie's, watch my tv, and feel secure (this is my most secure part of the whole day). 5:00 is the worst part of my day for some reason. I think its because I go down to my moms and see my daughters dad. He makes me nervous, but I feel as if I have to meet him there every day. And my dad is 67, and he wants me to stop by and see him everyday. He gets upset if I don't. My dad gets up and goes out to the garage everyday and drinks his beer, and there is no heat in the garage, but he insists on staying outside all day long. He listens to his radio, drinks his beer, the comes in at night about 8pm. Go figure. He doesn't get drunk though, he spaces his beer out through out the day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

What will be will be

2008-12-09T07:53:00.000-08:00

It's raining here..which I love. Its also about 50, so not so cold considering a few days ago it was 20...Weather in Indiana is crazy. Not gonna write much today, because I have a lot on my mind. I did send a Christmas card yesterday to my mystery man. Now I just hope he doesn't decide to drive up...Not sure I am ready for that. I just mainly wanted him to know where I lived now, just because. I like to keep that connection open for whatever life throughs my way, you know. Anyway, I may sign back on after while and write some more, but can't write much at the moment. Not really in a dab mood or anything, not sure whats going on in my mind. I have those days where my mind just wants to rest and not do much of anything. I think my mind is on the guy in the white truck, the mystery man. But not really a mystery man, since I do know him very well, just not lately. I mean, after all, its been 5 years, but feels like yesterday. I know....i do on and on about this person. sorry. Oh, one more thing. The lady and man that lives across the street from me are going through something, but not sure what. I haven't seen her there all week. And last week, she was only there a few hours a day. But he still comes home at the same time everyday. She feeds the squirrels all the time and they're running around looking for food from her. I think they miss her. I would feed them, but feel as if that would be wrong of me. After all, not sure what my neighbors are going through. I hope nothing serious. I hate to see people having problems. God bless you all.

I hope everyone is having a very blessed day. Talk soon.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

It's a Wonderful Llife

2008-12-08T08:16:00.000-08:00

Hello, and good morning. Just finished my laundry, so glad, I hate doing laundry. I have to load them in my truck and then blah blah...anyway, done with that for the week. Now I am going to try and finish my web site for my web design class. Its the only one I have a chance to pass. Don't know, the final project is due this Friday, and haven't even cared to start it. I know the basics, so just maybe I can pull it off. Then I would have 3 F's and possibly a C. I need to go and talk with my advisor at school, but I can't get up there with this stupid anxiety. I'm hoping I might be able to graduate by transferring some credits from another college I attended in 2003-4. I have 20 credits at this school, but I owe them some money before I can get my transcript. If I do this, it would mean I would have over 75 credits, and hoping my advisor will at least let me graduated as "undecided". They do have associate degree's for people who just don't know what they are majoring in. I pray I can do this. I mean after all, I've been trying to get enough credits gathered up since 2002...omgoshhhh. ...lol. Just give me a degree already, man. Get me the hell out of school. Thats my plan anyways, so I have to make an appointment to talk with my advisor asap.

I was so liking Quicktate. I did it for 2 weeks, then couldn't sign in. So I e-mailed the boss, and she mailed me back saying I had way to many errors. She was nice about it, but omgoshhh. Some of those names I had to try and spell were crazy, and I couldn't hear most of the messages. I do believe she should have gave me a warning instead of just not letting me sign in. Thats not professional to just someone try over and over to sign in, but can't. E-mail the person, tell them they must try harder, then if they still don't understand how to spell all these names ( and some were in Italian, or whatever). I also think they should supply their employee's maybe a list of client customer names, so one can have some idea what the message name may be. Anyway, I'm over it, it still makes me upset, even though I was only making 5 dollars a day for typing none stop for over 5 hours a day. and I was getting headaches for trying to push my brain, trying to understand what half the messages were. So, I guess it could have been a blessing in disguise. I wasn't making much money, plus I was pushing myself hard tor really nothing. I do believe I am worth more then 5 dollars a day. Damn it! So there.

My cat just ran through the apartment and knocked over my feathers I have in a tall basket (really cool feathers I might add). I think she's mad at me because I forgot to get her cat food when i was out. She looked at her bowl, then ran right into the basket. Silly cat. And I do need to change her liter box too. Than could be making her mad..She gets even with me when I don't care of her right. Spoiled. I guess I would be pissed too if my care giver forgot my food. I would probably bit her...lol. I am gonna take care of her asap as well.

Watching "The View" and Elisbeth said Rev. Wright (Obama's Rev), called her a dumb broad. Not professional at all. He should make some kind of "I'm sorry" or something. Oh well, some people are just rude like that. That's one reason why I didn't want to vote for Obama, because I feel that if he did sit in his church for 20, you do hear something, or whats the since in going to that church. You go to church to learn from you pastor. Not for me to judge. I try not to do that.

God bless you guys all, and I did buy a Christmas card for my special friend. I plan on sending it for "the one" will know my new address. Hope this is a good thing and not a bad thing. Will see soon. Bye bye.

Sincerely. Barbara :)

My Bad or What.

2008-12-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

Alright then. Lets try this again...lol..Maybe its trying to tell me something...maybe I'm not better..lol. Ok, Now. On October 24th, it was raining, I saw that amazing white truck drive by, I was getting ready to pack to move, I was sad because school wasn't going well. Ok, lets go from there.
I did move, and you will not believe where I moved too: Omgoshhhhhhh. And what makes this so ironic is that my daughter's dad called about these apartments because I was having to much anxiety that day to call. And what else is crazy, is HE is the one that introduced us(the man in the white truck). Ok, if you don't know what I'm talking about, just read through my blog and you will know what I'm talking about. So, as the story goes on, the apartment I am now living in, is the same exact apartment I lived in when I met this man in the "white truck". Which isn't but about a mile from where I used to live. I was driving around in October and seen where they had several apartments for rent, but the ones I was looking at are further down the street then the one I used to live in. Didn't even think of this one. So, I had my daughters daddy call to see if any were available. He called me and said there's one open at 424o, and the address didn't even click. So, I drove down there, and it was the same exact apartment I live in 5 years ago when I first met "The One". So I went and filled out the application for the apartment, and she told me I could rent it, so I gave my deposit right then and there. I am now living here. It feels like I am finally back home where I belong. I still remember living here and if feels good. I am more relaxed. But, I still remember HIM, coming here, and also we had our very first kiss here, right next to where I am sitting now. This is crazy. I was thinking about maybe sending him another card saying something like "If you would like to know where I moved to, just go to the place where you first kissed me" I don't know, this is really scary. So, what do you guys think? I already know I'm crazy...lol.

Next, I didn't get my deposit back. She hasn't sent nothing. I wrote a 30 day notice, returned my key and a forwarding address, and cleaned and painted, fixed everything, so I don't why she would keep my 550 dollars. I looked up landlord and renters laws for Indiana, and she has 45 days to send me something regarding why she kept my money. If she doesn't send me something on December 15th, I am getting a lawyer. She probably things I'm a dumbass, and don't know the law, so let her go on with her bad self. My bad, I know, but, that place looked so good when I moved out, plus all the crap I went through before I moved like not having hot water for 2 months, and having that bad leak in my bathroom for over 6 months that she was well aware of. Anyway, enough of her. What goes around comes around 10 times fold. She still hasn't rented that apartment out yet, its still in the paper, so, whatever.

I still have not been able to go back to school since October 24th. My anxiety got so bad in October and November, I just could not go back. So, I will be on academic probation, if they don't kick me out for not going. I will receive 4 F's, making my grade point average 0. I was on the Deans List, now I'm on the Dirt List. Have to think about what my next move will be in this game of life. I go up 4 spaces, then back 8 spaces, just like a board game. I just wish once I'd advance to the top like shuts and ladders. You know that ladder that takes one all the why to the top and you usually win...lol..Thats the ladder I want to be on. Even though I failed out this semester, I am still in a good mood today. Maybe its this apartment bringing back all those memories of my mystery man. I think I may go ahead and just send a Christmas card and put my new address on it. He can take if from there. Maybe he will see if as fate, that we made a circle and now its 'our time', but I still like my daughters dad, so it would still not be a circle yet. Life is a mystery, you just never know what each day will bring you. Some days are good and some days are not. Like tomorrow, I may not write, I may not be back again for awhile. Who knows. Who cares. OK,
I had a job at Quicktate for about 2 weeks, but had to many errors, so was let go. I went to sign in, but couldn't. I knew if I e-mailed the boss, I knew what she would write back and say before she even did. She was nice about it, so just letting it go, what else can I do. Can't dwell on it, I have way to many failures to dwell. I also couldn't get my medicine yesterday because they said my insurance was denied for some reason. So yesterday wasn't so good. I cried most of the night, but what can I do. Nothing. Go on and wait for the next opp I guess. Well, I am getting off here. God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

2008-12-04T07:45:00.000-08:00

Well good morning everyone. I shouldn't be in a good mood considering all the crap I've been through in the past 3 months, but what the hell, I am , so, where to start, where to start...lol.
OK, I'll start where I left off on October 24, then I wrote my last blog.

Caution-Seen man in white truck yesterday...lol...

2008-10-24T05:42:00.000-07:00

Good morning all...Hows everyone this morning? Good I hope. Its raining here and actually that puts me in a better mood...lol..I know, I'm silly. I am going to try and make this a relaxing day. Not worry about school or anything else for that matter. I just hope my doctor will write me a note for school next week because I really need another week off to relax and catch my breath, and get the moving thing over with. Hates moving...for the past 3 years I have moved each year when my lease was up. I hope this new place will bring satisfaction to me. I do think I will try and take all online classes next semester if possible. I think that will be better as one of my blogger friends suggested. Thankyou. That way I can concentrate on finding that perfect work at home job. I really don't know if I can work outside the home right now. Oh well, I'll just take my days one at a time.

Yesterday as me and my daughter were leaving, I seen that white truck drive by and a man inside the truck was smiling and waving at me. It was him....lol..the man I've talked about on here before. I man who left the gift card on my truck on my Birthday. I didn't know if it made me have more anxiety or excitment. Anxiety because I still see my daughter's daddy, or excitement because deep down in my heart I know he is "The One". so I think anyways...omgoshhh. I don't think I need this pressure right now. My daughter knows who he is because she seen the card and so I had to tell her who he was. Yesterday she said "Mom, he just found you again, and now we are moving again"...it was funny, I had to laugh. He works at a golf course and when it rains, he gets off work early. I really hope he doesn't get brave today and decide to just stop on by to see up I've been up to over the past 2 years. That's how long its been since we've talked. Omgosshhhhh, now I am getting more nervous thinking he might stop by. Maybe I should leave or something. Okay, just stop Barbara...catch your breath. Things will be okay. I am going to get some boxes today and start putting things in boxes and fixing up the things I broke while living here. Even though they didn't fix things on there end. I hope my landlord isn't pissed that I am moving. I did give them my 30 day notice so hopefully I will get my $550 dollar deposit back. I could use it considering I just paid $400 dollar deposit at my new place. I wish I could just stay in one place for a while and not move again for at least 3 years.....lol. Anyway, I need to get off here and do some things. God bless you all and have a great day.

Hi to my friends

2008-10-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

Hello people. Sorry I've been missing in action for so long. Just trying to figure out what our purpose is and just didn't really care about writing or anything. I am still going to school, but this week and next I am taking off..because I need a much needed break. Well, I had a doctors appointment today, but the nurse called me this morning and told me my doctor called in sick, so I can't go until Monday. I have to have my doctor write me a get out of school pass like we used to have in school when I was little, so I can hopefully make up all my missed school work. I just could not go this week or next. I really feel frustration about trying to finish school and want it to be done already. The past 2 weeks my anxiety has been so bad I feel like I can't breath. Plus I am moving at the end of this month. I could not find a place to move to which brought much anxiety, and I knew I didn't want to stay where I am due to things breaking and not getting fixed. Speaking of not getting fixed, my hot water is still not fixed, so now you know why it is a must that I get out of this apartment. Well, I found one, but it will not be ready until Nov. 7, so I will have to stay at a motel or a my daughters dads apartment. Omgoshhh. That sounds really scary, so I know I can't stay with him. I will worry about that next Friday, moving day.

I still can't find a work at home job. NTI would not give me the job because I had to have a technical degree in computers for the job I applied for. So all summer long I waited on this job, and never got it. Thank God I gave up on making money blogging, or I would not be writing right now. I have been visiting WAHM since March and the only job I got (and I applied for everyone that came up) was a job with Weegy, which is only .60 a day. With this anxiety problem I'm not sure what to do. I am tired of school, but continue; why? I don't know. I can't be around people without feeling like I am going to pass out. I guess it passes the time and I look like I am pursuing something. But school is making my anxiety worse right now. I get sick the night before I go to school and all day long while I am there. Not an answer for this problem. I have to deal with it because society doesn't see this as a true illness. Thats been my own experience anyways. Well, I will talk again soon, maybe, and thanks to everyone who visited my blog site while I was away. I will return the favor as soon as I feel better, maybe today, or next week. God bless you all.

Sincerely, Barbara

My Uncle passed away at 5am this morning

2008-09-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

Well, another death has occurred in our family this morning. First it was my Aunt who passed away a couple of weeks ago. Now her husband, my wonderful Uncle Albert passed away at 5am this morning. I believe he was heart broken, and missing his wife and wanted to be with her. A few days after my Aunts funeral me and my dad went to see him and he had his white kitty sitting on his lap. He was talking to us, but looked so sad I didn't know what to say to him. We started talking about this years election. He said he didn't know yet who he was voting for. Now to think hes not even here. I have been so upset all day long. They were the perfect couple. The funeral is on Saturday of next week. Omgoshhh, I am so sad. This was my dads last brother he had left. My dad is 67 and I am getting really worried about him now. I can't even imagine anything happening to my daddy. All day I have been wondering, "What is this thing called life all about anyway? We are here, we suffer trying to pay bills, raise our families, find jobs, try and save relationships, go to funerals, and whatever else life wants to do to us. I know there are good days as well, but when you think about it it will drive you crazy trying to figure out reasoning in it all. I asked my daughter's daddy this question today and he said so we can all make it to heaven. Then I said, Why don't God just keep us all in heaven and then we don't have to go through all the pains of life. I guess this is just to deep a conversation to have on a blog site because no one knows these answers until we die. So we are suppose to enjoy our life's and make the best at whatever we go through. But, I was thinking about my Uncle Albert. He was such a good man and he would do anything for anyone, now hes gone. Here then gone. I know hes happy now, because he is back with the one he loves, that's why I asked why bother even coming down here when we could just do all this up in heaven and live forever and ever. I love God and I know He has good reason for our test and trials we go through down here, and that's just the way I look at anything that is thrown my way. I think to myself " Okay, this is just a test, get through it and go on to the next thing"

Well, I am going to be bed here soon, just not feeling well at all. In the past year I have lost 2 Aunts, 1 Uncle, a cousin and his wife, and a really good friend. How sad is this. I miss them all dearly. God bless everyone, and have a great night.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Sarah PalinI wish people would leave her alone~~

2008-09-25T11:03:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, its been a while since I've wrote in here. My computer is not running well at all. I hope I can get through this post without it going down.

Back to Sarah Palin. Every time I turn on the news I hear someone bashing this woman. Why is that? She has to account for every word, and I sure don't hear people questioning Mr. Joe Biden(Think I spelled his name right). I am just getting so frustrated at listening to people. I watch the 'View" and a few of those women on there just really don't like her. And a lot of the stars just absolutely hate her. Take Pam Anderson for one, she actually said " I just hate her". Do they personally know her? I doubt it. I believe they are jealous that a woman in her 40's may have a chance of becoming President. I doubt they've been to her house and had dinner with her and her family. That would be like me saying I hate Joe Biden when I don't even know anything about this man. Just because Obama chose him doesn't make me hate him. I guess he wears his suit better then Sarah. I see people making fun of style and where she lives, its ridiculous. When McCain called her up, I am sure she didn't run and take a class on VP. She was a mayor and a is a governor. What else do these people want? I say leave her alone and let her grow into her new found position as a running mate with John McCain. She could prove to be very good.

I watched "Project Runway" last night and suede went home. I think I spelled his name correctly. I am having spelling problems today with names...lol..please excuse that. Anyway, I was kind of wanting Kindley to go home(once again, don't know about that name....lol). She is a smart butt and thinks her designs are so great, and I don't think they are. Anyway, she is always putting Tim Gunn down when he tries to give her criticism. I would take it if he gave it to me. I mean, after all, he is a designer and I think he knows a little bit more then her. Maybe not, but she should just try and listen for a change. Some people think they know it all. Can't tell them nothing.

I have been waiting on my student loan money now for a week. I thought for sure it would be here by now. Oh well. I had to borrow another 100 from my mom to pay my cable. It was due today, and thought I would have my money, but it didn't come so I had to ask my mommy again. That really sucks when I have to do that. She was nice about it. I pray it will come tomorrow. I was suppose to go to school yesterday, but had really bad anxiety all day long and couldn't do anything. So far this semester I have kept it under check, but yesterday it was bad. I e-mailed my teachers, and hope they aren't upset with me. I don't go back until Monday, so hopefully I will feel better by then.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Going to school, talk soon

2008-09-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, I am in between classes, so I can't talk very long for now. I had the worse anxiety last night that it made me cry. I think the thought of going to school this morning brought it on. I don't know why, I just got really sick and nervous. This morning I felt a little better, but I think its because I worry about getting in front of the class. Today, the first thing our teacher said was, "practice on your on design font, and we'll do our critiques on our ramson notes we made last week" and my heart sunk. There was on way I could get in front of the class this morning, so I prayed like I did last night and this morning. Well, before we knew it, time had passed to quickly and he didn't mention it. So for 2 and a half hours i sit there worrying about doing this, only to not have to~~~THANK GOD~~I Believe He heard my prayer's. So now I am getting ready to pick my daughter up from school and take her to my moms so I can go back to school for my Algebra class. Double yuck. I hate this class so much. I got a D on my first test. Not good at all. I must make a C in order to take the next Math class in the spring semester to graduate, so I best be getting that tutor now, ASAP....lol.

With "Big Brother" over, I feel so lost. Now I can't find anything to watch. I guess I can use this time to STUDY ...That would be a good idea. STill looking for that silly white truck to pull up. No luck there yet. Hell, he probably didn't even receive the card I sent. He probably moved or something, or knows, who's cares...ME!!! Oh well, that would have been a bunch of drama that I don't need right now. And still waiting on NTI to call me back. They write, but don't call. I wish I knew what it was God wanted me to do. Life is so confusing. Its like a big puzzle and we have to put all the pieces together correctly, or its a do over. Well, I really need to sign off and head out the door. I am not in school tomorrow, so I will visit every ones blog site. I haven't been posting on wahm because I forgot my password and to busy to get another one. But I do go on and read all your updates and check out new job leads. God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

In the Belly of a Fish

2008-09-20T05:30:00.000-07:00

Got to tell you guys about something that happened about 2 years ago. And I know I am a little crazy, but I don't hear voices or any real serious problems(that I know of). Except for my anxiety attacks and a little depression, I think I'm fine. Anyway, let me tell you about this experience I had. You will find it interesting but not believable.

I came home from my moms house and turned on my computer, but the screen was up not up yet. So I waited a few minutes for it to warm up. Then I heard in my mind these words "In the Belly of a Fish" I thought wtf. (My actual thoughts at that time because it came of of no where). I looked on my computer which had a screen now and was looking for the word "fish" or "belly" but nothing. So I thought, oh well, I must be nuts. Didn't think anything else about it for a while. Then about 2 weeks later I had to do a project for my computer graphics class. We had to write a children's book. So I went into my daughters room and went through about 100 books looking for a good example. I found one and brought it into my living room not really paying much attention to the title or anything, just mainly looking for artwork. I put it under my coffee table until I was ready to use it. A week later the book just fell out at me. So I thought, I might has well start preparing for my project of writing this children's book. As I was looking at this book I totally freaked out. The title of this book was "The Story of Jonah" , so I thought I would read it. When I read it I was amazed at the wording in this book. I seen these exact words "In the Belly of a Fish" and I thought wow. I knew then that God was sending me a message. I just didn't know what. I know God doesn't talk out loud to us, but I do believe when He wants to get our attention He does what He has to do to get it. This was his way I just know. That was a few years ago, but I still keep the book in my cabinet, close by and read it every so often. In the book it read how Jonah had to go tell people that their nation was in trouble if they didn't turn from their sins. And in our nation, we have had so much trouble since then. I waited on more signs but I guess I missed them or not. Maybe I am afraid to go around and tell people about this. I only told a hand full of people about this experience, but it is as real as ever. And I do believe God wants me to do something I am just not sure what yet. With no doubt, I know He has a plan for me, and that is one reason I keep going on. Another morning I woke up out of a deep sleep and heard these words as plain as day. "All you people driving around in your fast cars having fun are heading to the lake of fire" and it scared me to death. You see, I don't go to church, but I do believe in God and Jesus. So not sure what God is telling me, since so many people do believe there is not a hell, which I bet to differ. But people will say, "Oh, there is no Hell, or devil. Which who really knows for sure. No one does until they die. So we should go by our only proof, which it the Bible, which does speak about Hell lots. Not a preacher here, but have had way to many signs in the past few years to believe different. Also, 4 years ago I had to have sex. I mean I didn't think anything about it. Then I was watching a pastor on TBN and he was talking about sex, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Then I stopped having sex out of marriage. Which I am not married, so I have not had sex in 4 years, which could be the reason I am so frustrated..lol, but that's a different blog, and way to long for now. Anyway, I decided to wait until I get married. For me to just stopping having sex was impossible. Ever since I was 14, I had sex at least once a day, and I'm not even kidding about this. I was addicted to sex. Then 4 years ago, it just happened. I stopped. So now I know that I know there is a God up there. For him to stop me from this was truly a miracle. Got to go. God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Short & Sweet

2008-09-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

Short & Sweet and to the point. I wish I could figure this thing out called life. Twists and turns, tests and trials, love and hate, poor and rich. Wow, listening to a really good song right now. "The Eagles" Witchy Woman" awesome~~~ Can't hardly type for singing.
Just sitting here looking at my patio window waiting for a white truck to drive by. Damn, to many. Oh well. I just can't get him out of my head. He shouldn't have left that little gift card. And i shouldn't have sent him a card in return. Now I am waiting on what? Don't know. It is making my days more interesting. Gives me hope that maybe we might be together one of these days.
Another good song....This one is country..."Killing Time, is Killing me, Drinking myself blind, thinking I won't see" Clint Black. Wow, I love all kinds of music. I wish I could still drink sometimes, but I tried to drink a beer a while ago, and started getting a headache. I think I did it to much when I was younger. But I am in the mood to drink a beer. Don't know why. Music does that to me sometimes. "Killing time for eternity" ...OK, the song is finished. Now its Willie Nelson "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" Love that song too. OK, I am really hoping this man will come by my house and ask me to marry him. Omgoshhhh. What did I just say? See what he did to my mind this past week. I really need to get a grip now. Barbara, you know you couldn't marry him right now, you have your daughter's daddy somewhere on the line. But he doesn't care about me, or he would stop drinking...isn't that correct. He's had 4 years to stop drinking and us be together, but he is still drinking every night. What would you do if you were me? Well, have to go. God bless you all and have a great weekend. Will keep you updated on my silly self, and playin this game inside my mind...lol.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Keep thinking about him

2008-09-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, how are ya'll doing? Me, well, I think I'm in la la land. Every since I found that card on my truck, I have been thinking about this man. I sent him a Birthday card on Tuesday, and have been really nervous about doing this. I am so confused, like usual. Even though me and my daughter's daddy are not together, together, we still see each other for about an hour a night, but we are at my moms and just talking with everyone around, but I feel like I cheated. All I did was send a Birthday card, so I should just relax. Anyways, he may not even have gotten it. I think I do love him or I wouldn't be thinking about him so much. I have been thinking about him now for about 4 years. So confused. Need to think about this more, and get back with you guys on this one.

School is going well. I am learning about graphics and its fun. I hope I can finally get it, so maybe I can have a real career in graphic design. That would be so awesome. Have my own business right here out of my home, doing designs....wow. Just a dream for now, but dreams are what my life have always been based on. I dream a lot, but usually that's as far as they go.I am still waiting on NTI to contact me with a second interview. That's frustrating that they haven't contacted me yet. I just e-mailed them, so hopefully they will get back with me. Looking into finding something else. I pretty much gave up on ppp's, they just weren't working for me. Any ideas would be great about now, so if anyone has a led somewhere please let me know. Well, I am heading down to my mom's house, so will talk to you guys later. God bless you all and have a great night.

sincerely, Barbara :)

Big Brother is doneFor this season~~

2008-09-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. Just getting ready to go to school. Been real busy lately so I hardly ever come on here, but its usually just me venting anyways. I'm not making money on here, so I just consider this blog my therapist..lol. I don't think I spelled that correct, oh well. Last night on "Big Brother" Dan won the game. I knew he would. Memphis sucks pretty much. Now I will have to find something else to watch on the nights it was on. Thank God the fall season i on now.

I sent a Birthday card to the guy who put a Birthday card on my truck. His birthday was 5 days after mine. I wasn't for sure I wanted to send him one, but yesterday I was looking at cards and thought, why not. So I wrote a little note inside. At least he'll know that I am thinking about him too. (If it was him who left the gift card on my truck). Oh well. I'm thinking he should get it tomorrow. He only lives about 30 miles away, so he may get it today. Omgoshhh. If I see his truck drive by I'll know he got it. Well I have to head out the door and go to school. God bless who ever comes to this page and reads. I don't believe I have much traffic, but thanks to the ones who do come by.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Why do people do the things they do

2008-09-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just wonder why people do the things they do. Like writing on public restroom walls. I will be the first to admit that my life can be boring at times, but its never got so boring that I've thought to myself "I think I'll go sit in the bathroom and write something stupid". Omgoshhh, every time I go to a restroom in public, you are sitting there and glance over to see some writing or phone number. If I had to put my phone number in a bathroom stall, then I would go shot myself. You'll see " For a good time call **********" , and I'm thinking, what are these people thinking. Or some random statement. It's crazy. Anyway, I was just thinking about that the other day and thought, people are really nuts. And all these different personalities out there. You just have to wonder what everyone is thinking about. Or what is everyone doing in their houses at night. When driving by houses sometimes, I wonder, "What are they doing tonight?" Or you see someone just sitting there a million miles away, just thinking. Are they thinking about food, or their man(0r woman). One of these days I plan on writing a book on peoples thoughts and why they do what they do. All though I don't think I would like to know every ones thoughts. That would be a little scary. My dad was sitting there starring into space and I asked him, "What are you thinking about" and he said, " I am counting my beers in my head" You see, he drinks about 15 a day, and has to space them out, so he was doing a mind check on how many he had left to drink. He usually saves the tabs in his pocket so hes knows. I wish he would quit, but he can't. He said if he did, he wouldn't have anything else to do. Anyway, everyone has a story, and I plan on finding out what makes people tick. Its a project of mine that's been on the back burner for a while now.

I think "Big Brother" is on tonight. I thought I heard them say Thursday night, I'll have to check. It is the last night which ever it is. Down to Dan and Memphis. Don't care for either, well if I had to pick one, I would for sure pick Dan. He did play the game the best. So GO DAN.
Well, I have soooo much homework to do I don't know if I'm coming or going. First I need to drive over to the Hobby Lobby and buy some art supplies, so have to get off here now. God bless you all, and have a wonderful day

Sincerely, Barbara :)

A guy friend to remember always

2008-09-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone..Hows everyone doing considering all the bad weather Texas has? I've been watching Hurricane Ike take over Texas. Its really sad, I have a friend that lives there. I hope him and his family are safe. Tonight I wanted to talk about a guy that I met a long time ago. I was working at DADC (sony), and had a boyfriend(my daughter's daddy) at the time. Me and Adam(my daughters dad) had been seeing each other for about 7 years at this time. My daughter was 2 years old. Me and Adam were having bunches of problems. For one, he was always going out drinking and staying gone for days at a time leaving me with the baby. And I was working 5, 12 hour days a week, so I was tired and stressed out, and always crying. So i met this guy at work. His name was Mark. Well, I'd heard one of my friends at work saying that this guy was interested in going out with me. My friend had told him he didn't have a chance with me. That really upset me, who was she to say that to this guy. Anyway, I thought about this guy all weekend long, and could not wait to go back to work and tell him that I did not say anything like that. We made this eye contact and he came up to me and said I really like your nail polish, and I said "Thanks" and he walked on. I finally went up to him and said "I did not say you didn't have a chance with me" and he said " I'm glad to hear that, would you like to go out sometimes" and it started from there. I wasn't really attracted to him. I got attracted to him when my friend told him told me what she told him "that he didn't have a chance with me" for some reason I felt sorry for him and had to make it up to him by going out with him. Omgoshh, this is where it gets good. I decided to get a babysitter and go out with him. We met at a bar, and had a few drinks. He wasn't that cute, and was not my type at all. But something about him kept pulling me to him. After we where there at the bar for a while, he went and played some music and came back and sit down next to me. He moved my hair from my face and told me I had the most amazing blue eyes. Then he held my hand and just kept looking at me. Then he kissed me at the table. Omgoshhh. It was the best kiss in the world. Well, we left and i won't go into detail from this point, but I fell in love. So then I had a big problem. I had Adam, who was mean to me, and was always gone drinking and not helping me with bills. And then I had this new man named Mark who was really wining me over big time. As time went on, I kept seeing him and was afraid to say anything to Adam. But eventually when one is seeing 2 men at the same time, things are bound to start happening. First he wanted to see me on Valentine's Day, but I told him I was going out of town with Adam. You see, he knew about Adam, but Adam didn't know about him. When I got home from going out of town, I had seen where he had tried to call me like a 100 times,and so did Adam. Not good. From then on things got bad. I tried to break it off with Mark, but he wouldn't do it. He said he loved me. So, he told Adam about us. How that happened was Mark went to the same bar that night that Adam was at. Well, they had a long talk, and Mark called me from the bar and told me he was sitting there with Adam and was heading to my house now. So they were both heading to my house at the same time. This was at 3 in the morning and I had to be at work at 6am. They both arrived at the same time and Mark told me to tell Adam that we were seeing each other, so I did. Then they started fighting in the front yard. Mark left, Adam came in and went to bed. I went to work. I came home and talked with Adam about the situation. I decided not see Mark anymore. But by then it was to late, because Adam had started seeing someone new. Omgoshhh. I felt so sick. I hated Adam for being mean to me, but I loved him as well. I can't explain this to anyone. So when Adam moved in with his new girlfriend, I kept seeing Mark. But was not feeling the love like I used to with him. Now I wanted Adam back. I cried every night, and Mark knew this. He knew he could not replace Adam. Eventually Adam came back to me. We got back together, and Mark joined the Navy. He was in the Navy for 6 years. Now we are friends and he is married to a woman in Japan where he now lives. The reason he joined the Navy was to be away from me. He did write me before he found this new woman and said he still wanted to be with me, but I told him me and Adam were together.
Isn't life crazy. If I had taken Mark, I could be living in Japan. That's OK, I don't really care for Japan..lol. Sometimes I do think of him though. He is on myspace. I was looking for his name and found it and wrote him a note. To think we go through life with different loves and just go on as nothing is wrong. I wonder which man was the right one because I am here alone and all my ex's are married and happy. I am still chasing the fantasy that me and Adam will live happily ever after. I still have the man that put that gift card on my truck...so I don't know who was "the one". Just one of my many guy friends. God bless you all and have a great night.

Hi all

2008-09-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

Man, I was looking at my page and I totally forgot to post yesterday. Just had a busy day I guess..didn't really seem that busy. I did go to school all day, but was home last night. This stupid anxiety is driving me crazy. It makes me want to cry. I have panic attacks for no apparent reason. Like I am having a continuous attack today. Think it has to do with money, and trying to do school work, and wanting to be with a man (one that doesn't get drunk). Omgoshhh. I wish this feeling would go away. I wish I was one of those people that could just get up, and go about their life normally. I had to call my doctor and get my prescription filled. I hate making phone calls (that gives me anxiety attacks). And I am still waiting on the maintenance man to come. I thought he would come yesterday while I was at school but he didn't. Not sure why. It is really getting to me. I want to call my landlord and yell as loud as I can, but my anxiety won't let me, because that's not the kind of person I am. One reason I have social anxiety is because as long as I can remember, I have let people walk all over me and stand up for myself. So, people must see this in me, so they do it. Even people I don't know have before. They sense it I believe. I ought to put my landlords phone number on here and let someone do it for me. I bet some of y'all would have no problem calling her. But me, I can't bring myself to call her. I keep saying if he doesn't come tomorrow. My daughters daddy wants to go to her office. If he went to her office, I would be evicted the next day, because he is not nice to people especially when they are not doing their job. If I had a business, I would try my hardest to please my customers. So done with this conversation. (But I can't move forward).

Tonight is "Big Brother" night. Thank God. Its down to 3 people. Jerry, Dan, and Memphis. At this point not really sure who will win. The younger boys all ready have it figured out, and Dan has played the game the best. So I did want Jerry to win, since he is 75 and feel he needs rewarded for living in this world for that long without killing someone...lol..But Dan has been the best player. I just feel like people would vote for Memphis, who I don't want to win. If he wins I am never watching "Big Brother" again...not really, I will. But will be upset for a day. Not as upset as I am about my water, but close. I have my diet Pepsi max here with me, and just took a xanax, so hopefully I will feel better before I pick up my daughter from school.

I finally opened up algebra folder online and did some homework. Only because my teacher said it was due like now. I have 140 more to go..omgoshh...hate it so much. I have my first test next Monday. My teacher was going around the room looking at some of our answers the other night, and mine was wrong and I told him I wasn't surprised considering I have taken this class 4 times. His eyes got real big and he said "See me after class" I went up to him during break, and he said he wants me to work with this person at school who does only this, helps people "get it" He said this person would be glad to finally have someone he could help. If he can help me( lets just hope he doesn't look Johnny Depp, or I won't get it) he would be doing something. I want to get this so bad.

Tonight is also a debate between Obama and MaCain. I probably won't watch. I get tired of hearing the same old speeches on the same old stuff. blablabla. Give me reason to believe your speeches and maybe I will vote. I do like Sarah, but not sure why. Maybe just because she is a woman, and I am sick of seeing the men talking all the time. Anyway, this will be an interesting race now that I have something to work with. Before she entered, I was pretty much done. Now I may vote.

My cat is sleeping peacefully. No worries, no nothing. Doesn't have to worry about finding a job, or school, or a partner, or all of life's little surprises that we stumble across everyday.
OK, the goodness in today: I have no school today...ya. Big Brother is on tonight...ya. Nothing is getting disconnected today...ya. I'm not in bed sick...ya. I have food and diet Pepsi....ya. I got that gift card from someone that I believe is "the one"...ya. (I think ya). Its getting ready to rain and I love rain..ya. OK, I am done with the yaaaaaa. I know, I am past crazy. It's my anxiety, it makes me feel everything. One good thing about anxiety is the fact that I pay attention to every detail of everything I do. Nothing gets by me. I notice my then I wish I did. I did get an e-mail from NTI, saying they want to know if I have a certificate for C++, or A+, or something else. To Tell you the truth I didn't even know what that was until I just googled it. Well, I learned I don't...lol. I knew that already. Just seeing how I go about getting one. I did e-mail them back and told them I was working on my visual communications degree, and that I could learn anything on the computer. If not, could they please place me with another position. I pray they call me soon even though my student loans have been approved, I want a real paying job from home. Nothing else has panned out.
Well I am getting a headache typing so I need to get off here and just sit and relax and maybe get the nerve to call my landlord. God bless you all and have a great day.
I know my blogs are long and dazed and confused, but that's me. I type what I feel at this very moment. Not trying to impress anyone. Maybe helping someone.
Oh yeah before I forget. I watched the 9/11 ceremony today and was watching this man playing "Taps" while he was walking around and almost lost it. Maybe that is why my anxiety is so bad today. Brings back bad memories. To any fellow New Yorker's on here, love ya, or anyone who knew anyone harmed by this my prayers are with you always.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

You don't want to know my secret thought today

2008-09-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm having anxiety at the moment. I am stressing on my stupid hot water. Do you know they still don't have this fixed. About ready to do some major cusin. I came home from school yesterday, and the closet doors where my hot water tank is was open, and stuff still sitting around it, so I knew he would be back. Not to mention he tracked in poo poo(in which I had to clean up before doing anything else) in on his shoes or something. Anyway, he still has not came back to fix. I so can't wait until the end of October so I can move out of here. When I first moved here, I thought it seemed really nice, but now, not so. Its loud, and they don't fix anything. Oh, the people above me usually both take their showers around noon. I hear it dripping in my bathroom. That problem started back in March, and not even going to mention it to the landlord again. I am so done with them. Man, why can't I just have an easy day, just one. Sometimes my days start out good, like yesterday, but then something happens, and upsets the apple cart...lol. School was good yesterday until I came home and found no hot water yet, and dog doo doo on my carpet. I did go to my algebra class last night, but got up and left a half hour early. That was my birthday present to myself. Now I'm getting anxious about going to school tomorrow. On Wednesday's I am at school all day., plus I have 2 quizzes in which I haven't studied for yet. I'm reading blogssss. To bad my quizzes aren't on blogging friends, I would ace it. Tonight is "Big Brother" night..yahhh. Maybe that will take my mind off school tomorrow. I can't find anything cute to wear tomorrow. I have to try and fit in with all the younger people ya know, and I'm having a bad hair day. Hair is frizzy...yuck.

Still trying to decide whether to send my friend (the one I believe put a gift card on my truck the other day for my birthday)a birthday card. His birthday is on Friday, but I don't want to get anything started with him if I can't finish it, you know what I mean. The last time we had something going I broke his heart because I could not get away from my daughter's daddy. Still the same problem. So, not sure if I want to go there right now. I don't feel like having all that pressure on me again like I used to have all the time. When I was living with my daughters dad, he drank all the time, so I felt this need to find someone new all the time. And i usually did. And I broke a lot of hearts doing so. So now, I feel relaxed not worrying about 2 men all the time. I was so wanting to get away from my daughters daddy and wanted attention so badly, I would find it, then give it back to them when they started wanting me back. I know that doesn't make sense. but that's what my life was like about 4 years ago. Now, I keep to myself. Like not long ago, I ran into a man I used to work with, but we never went out or anything. It wanted to give me his number, in which he did, but I never called him. Like I said, if there was any one man I would call it would be "the one" the one that put the card on my truck. Oh well. If its meant to be, it will be, only time will tell.
Well, I feel the urge to try and study for those 2 quizzes, I don't want to fail. Plus I need to go the Hobby Lobby and but some foam core for one of my art projects that is also due tomorrow. No wonder I am having anxiety, all this stuff due, and I am sitting here on my computer. What am I gonna do with my self?
God bless you all, and have a great day!!!

Good day at school

2008-09-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

Just got home from school and I must say it wasn't to bad. I actually learned a little about illustrator in my graphics class. But its only Monday, so we'll see how the rest of the week goes. I have algebra tonight(good way to spend my birthday--going to algebra)Yuck! You know, I still have not done 1 single homework problem that we were suppose to do for tonight. I am so gonna be hating that when I get to class and he comes around to look at our progress. Oh well, I will get to that here soon.

The maintenance man was here to fix my hot water, but I believe he will be coming back since he left everything out. I wish he would hurry up and get her done, omgoshh. its been like forever since I've had hot water. Tonight I am going to fill the bath full and take a bubble bath. I did watch "Big Brother" last night but I can't really tell you what it was about because me and my daughter were trying to download Adobe Illustrator to my computer, so I gleamed at the tv in between problems. I believe Dan won a day on the beach, and he gets to take either a house guest that is still left in the house, or one of the jury. I think he is choosing to take one of the jury, but told his house guests that he wasn't taking anyone. He's a big fat lair, but playing the game well. They are down to 4 people, and this is the last week. Then maybe I can get some homework finished. I do have 2 tests on Wednesday.

I sit and look out my window now, ever since I found that gift card on my truck. I know he drives a white truck. Do you know how many white ford trucks there are? LOL. Silly me. Don't know what I would do if he did decide to stop by. I am so hungry, but waiting on the maintenance man to come back and finish. And I don't want to share with him, because he may think I am flirting, so I brought my computer in my daughters room so I could be out of his way when he comes back. If he comes back..that's the question. If not, there goes my hot bubble bath tonight.

I think I'm going to do some homework before I pick up my daughter from school. I might check to see if there are any opp's, but so far I've only gotten lucky once, and blew that because it got rejected. Every time I go there, there all red or grey. How do people actually make money on ppp? Do they stay online all day long and catch them? And I am still waiting on NTI to call me for that second interview. Man. That's OK, I will be getting my student loan in about 3 weeks. Then I can pay all my bills. Well, God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Got a surprise today from "The One"

2008-09-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

WOW...this is red hot. On Monday I will be 45 years old. So, not to happy this week, I have the Birthday blues. I see younger women, and even though I am not jealous, I feel old. I look at myself in the mirror and just don't like what I see now. It sucks, because my self-esteem has always been low anyways. Well, this morning when I went to get in my truck, there was a little gift card on my windshield wiper, so I opened it up. It was a gift card for 20$ for K-Mart. I recognized the hand writing, even though it did not say who it was from. It just said "Sunday 7th " and that was it. Even though he was one day off, I couldn't believe he did that. This is the man that I have wrote about before as being "the one" Its been over a year since I've seen him, and didn't even know he knew where I lived since I moved last year. But, it was his hand writing because I got out an old poem he wrote me over 4 years ago. This touched me in a way that I can't explain. Me and my daughter were on our way to see her daddy. But deep down inside I was so happy that he even remembered me. Then tonight someone knocked on my door, and I was afraid it was him..but it was my son and his girlfriend bringing me something for my Birthday. Now I don't know how to act. Just knowing that he knows where I live is mind blowing. What if he does decide to stop and knock at my door one of these days? omgoshhh...I always said if he knocked at my door and asked me to marry him I would. And I always pray that I will see him again. But today I got nervous. I mean, I feel fat, and old, and frumpy, and whatever else goes with being 45. What if he sees me and thinks bad thoughts about me? What am I talking about, he may never stop. I am getting myself all worked up for nothing. Oh well, it did make my day.

I still have not done any homework. I just can't get motivated about school this semester. I am trying to think of an idea for a web site, and that's about all I've done at this point. Next week I have 2 tests already, and the following week, I have 2 projects due. Omgoshh..Plus I still need to paint my daughters room before I move in October. And I will be working for NTI, so I will have a busy next 2 months.

Well, I think I will check to see if any opp's dropped yet. I have stilll only been able to catch one, and that one got rejected....lol. Oh well. I will get another, maybe..lol..I think I am at the point where I don't really care if I get one or not. I just enjoy releasing all my feelings on here, plus reading everyone Else's blogs. I have a few that I really enjoy and read all the time.
God bless you all and have sweet dreams.(oh yeah, they did look at my hot water, but can't fix it until Monday, they need to order a part, just my luck, now still warming water up on the stove..lol).

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Web design ideas for class project

2008-09-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

Sitting here trying to come up with a design for a web site I have to create for my web design class. We need three topics to choose from. I am leaning towards art history, but I think that may be a little hard as a first assignment, since I am learning the basics of web design. For some reason my mind is a complete blank. My mind is usually full of ideas. I have to use this as a final project to put in my portfolio at the end of next semester, so it really should be something I want to have a career in, but still lost in what exactly I want to do. I love New York, and my dream is to live there and have an advertising firm, or work there for a major magazine company. But, like I said, those are only dreams..I can't possibly leave my mom and daddy. Even thought I am 44, they will be needing me here soon to help them out. I want to help them because they have done so much for me. If I get a really good career going, I can do just that. So, I will go to bed tonight and try and dream of a good idea. Sometimes my dreams come true. I really want this project to be perfect. Also in my media graphics class I was reading the syllabus and I seen where we are expected to give about 5 presentations in front of the class. I swear I had the worst anxiety attack. Now I am wishing I didn't switch classes..I am so fickle. Man, I get myself in some good situations.

Waiting on NTI to call about job, and today I got an e-mail from Join.Us@paramends.com about a job. I need to send all my info on this one. It could be worth doing. Maybe I could do both, considering I can pick my own hours for paramends. But I still need to find time for school work. Oh, today I went to the bookstore and bought Creative Suite cs3, which is Illustrator. I bought it on my financial aid and it cost me 400 dollars..I know that sounds like a lot, but I really need this software to do my classes, and hopefully for doing jobs on the side when I do finish school, so I look at it as an investment towards my future. Well, I need to get off here, and try to catch an opp. They say midnight is when they start dropping. God bless you all.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Big Brother

2008-09-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hate to say it, but I believe Renny will be going home tonight. She is up with her friend Keesha, so I bet she goes. I like her too. Anyway, watch "Big Brother' and enjoy.

Sincerely. Barbara

Why can't they just fix it already, ****

2008-09-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

Here we go again. Omgoshhhh...what do I have to do to get hot water around here. This isn't the first time I've had landlord problems. In March of this year, my bathroom ceiling almost fell through. The bath tub in the apartment above me started leaking, and flooded my whole bathroom. I called the landlord and she did send someone out that day. The maintenance man had to rip a big hole in my ceiling to fix the pipes above. He said he would be back out to fix the hole but never returned. Then in a few weeks I noticed it was leaking again, so I called them back so they could come out and refix the pipes and maybe, just maybe fix this big hole. I waited and waited and no one came. That problem is still not fixed. When the people above me takes a shower or whatever they do(don't want to know, my God), it drips down into my bath...and it grosses me out totally. I have to go in and clean my bath after they did done. Then on July 4th weekend, my whole bathroom flooded. I called them even though it was the 4th of July weekend only because I could not clean up all the water...I would soak it up, and it would flood again. When I called my landlord, she said "well, turn the knob under the toilet" and I said...." Its not the toilet..its coming from the floor" and I think she thought I was stupid because she said, "are you sure" omgoshhhh..I said "Yes, I'm sure, its coming from the floor" finally she said, well we'll figure out what to do and call you back...in the meantime, my bathroom floor was flooded. When they did come, she said that as soon as I called, someone from across the hall called with the same problem. And I still believe that is the only reason they did come out. Not because I called. So fast forwarding now to Tuesday at 9am..I called her and said, "I have no hot water, can you please send someone out to fix this" and she OK.
Its Thursday and still no one is here. I don't know what her problem is with me. The only thing I can think of is when I called her for the third time about the leak above my bath tub, she asked who came out to fix it, and said "I don't know, the guy with the pretty blue eyes" and she said, "oh, that's my son, and hes married" like I actually wanted him or something. Maybe they think I am a hussy or something. When my bathroom flooded and she had to come out, instead of a maintenance man coming out, she came with her hubby. Okay, I am gone venting about my landlord, and leaks, and floods, and what the hell ever. I will give her until tomorrow, and then its on..lol...seriously.

I loved watching Sarah Palin speaking last night. She is awesome in my eyes. I think the media is jealous of her, and trying to paint a bad picture of her. They will dig and dig until the find the uglies about her. Man, I hate when people just can't accept you and have to find something wrong with everyone. Just leave her alone and let her have her victory for now. Omgoshhh...this world is amazing. People. I just don't get them. (Still thinking about that hot water...getting steamed)..lol.

I still have not opened a school book today. I've been on my computer all morning doing nothing. Me bad. I just can't; I look over at them, and look away quickly as if they can see me...lol..they're saying "Barbara, your gonna fail, your gonna fail" "Shut up stupid books, I have enough on my plate worrying about my water. Oh yeah, this water here sucks too. When I moved in it tasted slimy and yucky, so I have to bring in water from my moms to use for cooking and drinking. I AM SO MOVING WHEN MY LEASE IS UP ON OCTOBER 31. And I can't wait.

OK, 'Big Brother' is on tonight, (it is Thursday, right?), yeah, it is. Anyway, I just a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi Max...Yes...so tonight will be a good night...not going to think about my water, or school. But, in the morning, I am for sure going to get all these things straight. Well, need to get off here. You all have a great day, and God bless you.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

A little of this, and a little of that

2008-09-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

Watching "Project Runway" and waiting to hear Sarah Palin speak as John McCains VP choice. I'm flipping through the channels waiting. Seriously, I believe she is a good thing. I get so tired of seeing men in tight suites walking around looking for praise. Sarah is just what is needed in this race right now. Up until now, I was not going to vote, but now I may. Undecided still on this subject. Omgoshhhh, they have the camera on Sarah's seventeen year old daughter only because shes pregnant. Not far at all. I hate how people can be so judgemental . OH MY, Stella is out of the running on "Project Runway"; she is the leather girl. Her fashion was a little out there, but I still liked it, but not loving it. Not sure who I think should win at this point. My mind is fussy right now about everything. Whirling around like the wind. I was at school all day long, and it was OKay. I wasn't totally stressed, so I believe I made the right decision in dropping that class and replacing it with the one I did. Feel better about it. I am talking in circles I know. First project runway, then Sarah Palin, and school. Man, what a day. Oh yeah, I got my e-mail from NTI and I am going to be working with them. Everything was approved, now just waiting on them to call and confirm which job I will be doing. Thank God. Also, my first ppp was rejected. My link to my post was wrong, it was the link to my whole site, and they wanted just the link to that post. I don't know how to do that. Also, a few other issues about Old Navy...I don't know, I guess I suck when it comes to writing advertisements. I could have fixed it, and re submitted it, but just didn't feel like redoing it over.I don't have it in me for now. Will this stop me from getting further opp's?

Recap on what I just wrote because I am totally in the air tonight. Stella went home on "Project Runway"...Sarah Palin is getting ready to speak, John MaCain's new VP... NTI sent me another e-mail saying I am approved to work for them...My first ppp sucked...will try harder next time. School was good, well not good, just not bad....make since. Oh, and my daughter is in her room trying on clothes that are sleazy. She actually thinks she is going to wear this outfit to school tomorrow. I guess she will be yelling at me in the morning when I tell her no. Man, 14 year old are hard to raise. My son was not this hard. What to do, what to do. I did find a note while washing clothes talking about sex...now I am so worried. Not going there tonight. Like I said, my mind is whirling. God bless and have a great night. (and my hot water is not fixed yet. I called the landlord on Tuesday morning at 9am, and they still haven't came and fixed it. I am warming water on my stove, this is not right, I am getting more and more upset each day. I will be calling them tomorrow).

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Hot Water Blues

2008-09-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

Well, its "Big Brother" night, Thank God..I told ya, I'm sad...looking forward to a TV show is sooo sad., Oh well, it will take my mind off going to school a full day tomorrow. Since I changed my schedule around, I now have a class on Wednesday from8:30-11:15, the one from 12:30-4:15, which I guess is good, I can get them both done and be done with it. Well, I do have one on Monday morning at 8;30-11:15 and then that night 6-9pm. And lets not forget my Web Design class I am taking online. Yuck. At least I got rid of Electronic Illustrator. But, I will still have to take it next semester, at least I don't have that stress right now.

Right now I am waiting on a maintenance man to come and fix my hot water. I thought it might be just a fuse, but not my luck. I had to call my landlord this morning. So now I am waiting. But at 3 I am out of here. I hope it they come when I am gone that they don't let my cat out. Omgoshhh, my daughter would have a fit. Well, gotta go for now..having some anxiety about a man coming in my apartment, I don't like strange men coming in here.
God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely. Barbara :)

Hanging in there

2008-09-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

It's been a long weekend. Kind of glad its over, really the only thing I did was sleep in a little longer, which felt good. Been watching the hurricane updates most of the day. I am so glad it didn't do as much damage as predicted. Some flooding, and hopefully that will be it, but then Hurricane "Hanna" is on its way. I think Gustav and Hanna are a married couple coming together to cause some trouble. Their both just out there spinning around and around. I was planning on getting some homework done, but didn't happen. I just can't get motivated this semester. I did go in and change my schedule a little. Making a class change may make me less stressed out. We'll see about that.

I went to see my Uncle today, the one that just lost his wife(my aunt) last week. He's sick as well, and not doing to good. I am worried about him. He had his white cat sitting on his lap. It was so sweet seeing him sitting there with his kitty, I bet that cat was my Aunt Peggy's favorite cat..they have about 4 cats, and that white cat stays in the house. It probably reminds him of my Aunt, his wife. How sad. Love them both so much.

Last night on "Big Brother" Jerry won HOH, so now he has some power. There are 5 house guests left, and none of the other 4 wanted to be with Jerry. So he was all alone. But now, it is shifting in his favor. He put up Kesshia and Dan. Will let you know what goes down on Tuesday night when I watch it again. It ends on Sept. 16, so then I will have to find another fix. Speaking of fix, I have been out of my Diet Pepsi Max now for a few days...not good.

Well, this weekend has been long, and I have to get up early in the morning. Back to my regular schedule, so best be getting to bed. First I'm going to sign on to PPP and see if anything is happening yet. So far, i have 1..still hope I will catch some more this week. I need money badly. Hopefully NTI will call me this week. God bless you all, and come back and visit sometimes.

Sincerely. Barbara :)

Hurricane Gustav is getting closer

2008-08-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Gustav is going strong heading to New Orleans. They are saying around Monday morning it should make land fall. I've been watching most of the week, and its winds are now at 125 mph. Wow. Then there is hurricane Hanna not far behind. The last week in August and the first week in Sept. seem to be not good weeks for this country. And wouldn't you know it, my birthday is Sept. 8, right in the middle. On Sept. 11 was the terrorists attack, and August 29th was hurricane Katrina. Now we are heading into two hurricanes this week. Omgoshh..

I wish I had a good boyfriend, you know, the ones that take care of you. There is one man that I feel is "the one" and his birthday is on Sept. 12, so every birthday I have, I really start thinking about him. I was so in love with him about 4 years ago. I always think on my birthday, he will knock at my door and surprise me. What a dreamer I am. I know where he lives, but I move so much, I doubt he even knows where I live. If he really loved me, he would find me. So I guess he has forgotten about me, even thought he told me I was "the one" for him too. Maybe this will be the year. But then, what would I do with my daughter's dad. I do see him every night for about an hour, but there's really not much to our relationship. Just don't know if I could break away from him though. But for Les(the one) maybe I could. I am so silly when it comes to this situation. I dream about the day he knocks at my door, but then on the other hand, afraid if he ever does, I wouldn't go through with it. I am so fickle.

Well, I think I am going to give the computer to my daughter, and maybe do some homework. I want to keep up with my school work, have to pass every class. You guys be safe if you live around the Gulf, and God bless.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

McCain Picks Palin as running mate

2008-08-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

My water is not getting hot. Does this mean I blew a fuse, or do you think its something else? I hate to call my landlord about something that I can fix myself. I guess I could call my daughters daddy. He'll just say 'Call your landlord"..lol . I don't feel like having maint. men in my apartment today..makes me nervous. Anyway, on to something else. Was going to do some Math today, but changed my mind, oh my. I better get my butt in gear with that class if I want to pass math and graduate. I decided to stick with the class I am lost in, because how else am I going to learn if I keep dropping them. So, I will just do lots of reading and learn lots this semester. I am not going back next year, this is it.

"Big Brother" was pretty awesome last night. There was a double eviction and Michelle and Ollie went home. Not sure if I'm happy with that, but at least Renny and Jerry are still in the running, in which I am for. Really, Jerry is the one I want to win. Go Jerry.

John McCain picked Sarah Palin out of Alaska as his Vice President running mate. I think he made a good choice. She is 44, and a governor in Alaska..interesting. Glad to see a woman is having a chance to win the White House. If I do vote, it will be for McCain. Saying IF.

Hurricane Gustav is suppose to be heading to the Gulf by Monday morning. People around that area are getting ready. I pray that its not another Katrina. Then right behind it is another one named "Hanna", oh my gosh. Well, have to go, God bless you all, and have a great weekend. Be safe.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

School Sucks

2008-08-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

Omgoshhhh!! I just had a day in hell. First me and my daughter got into a screaming match this morning before she went to school. She wanted to go a half hour early and I said no, so she starts yelling at me and finally I said "You know what, go get your books and come on, get in the truck." I was soooo upset. Then I had to come back home and get ready for my first day in my new class, which is "Electronic Illustrator" and let me tell you. Right from the get go, I was lost. Everyone went from layer to layer, and was putting colors on and the whole nine yards..and the instructor kept saying "Am I going to fast", omgoshhh, I couldn't even get the first screen to come up in illustrator. When everyone took a break I went up to the instructor and said "I don't think I'm in the right class because I'm not getting any of this". He said I would, and we would mainly be working by ourselves. I moved to the back of the class, turned on another computer, and just listened to what he was saying. It was hell. I have to have this class, so I can't drop it. Plus, I need to know how to do my graphics for web design, but my gosh, how did everyone else get so advanced. They've been taking the same classes as me. I went up to a friend and asked her how she knew so much and she said, "Oh, I have illustrator on my computer at home"..seems almost everyone in class has it but me. They bought it at the bookstore for $400..omgoshhhhh...I don't have $400 dollars. I came home and got me a Diet Pepsi Max, took a xanax, and started watching the news to see where the new hurricane is headed. Then I turned on my computer, but I'm not liking my computer at the moment because I just spent 4 hours in class trying to figure out illustrator. I went to class registration and was looking for something to replace that class with but can't find any. Man, I don't know if I can do it or not. My class yesterday was OK. She let us go after an hour; mainly just told us what we would be doing this semester. Now my anxiety is really high. What if I can't do this class?

I thought my Aunt Peggy's funeral was on Saturday, but its on Friday. I was going to relax tomorrow after all these hell classes I had this week, but I have to go to my Aunt's funeral. I think I am going to be sick. I love my Aunt, and don't want to go. I may not because I feel as if I am having a mental break down at the moment. Maybe after watching "Big Brother tonight I will feel better. What a sad little life I have. Excitement=Big Brother..omgosh. Sad, Sad.

Well, I have been trying to get opp's on ppp, but haven't gotten any yet. Guess I'm not fast enough, I don't know. NTI hasn't contacted me because my VR counselor hasn't okay'ed me yet. WTF. The government sure does believe in taking their sweet time. Stop venting Barbara, its not good for you. I think I will call her as soon as I get through writing this. Okay, I am signing off. God bless you all and excuse my cursing(at least it was just letters and not the actual words..).

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Big Brother update

2008-08-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

"Big Brother" was interesting last night. Dan the man is trying to play the game hard, and in the mean time pissin everyone off while doing it. I believe he made a few enemies last night. Dan better play his cards right or he will be going up on the chopping block. I also think Thursday night is a double eviction, in which the house guests have no idea yet. Won't they be surprised when Julie Chun announces this on Thursday. I told you guys, I am addicted to this show. That tells you how exciting my life is..lol. I am replacing it with men for the time being. Speaking of men, I do miss them. I would give up "Big Brother" for love right now, so I am contradicting myself a little. That's OK, its my blog, I'm allowed to say what I feel. I miss that loving feeling; isn't there a song with those words?

I just got home from my Graphic Media class. It wasn't too bad. I thought we would have to stand up and introduce ourselves, but the instructor didn't, Thank God. She explained what we will be doing this semester, and let us go. I love art so much, it was my favorite subject in high school and as long as I can remember. In high school I won awards for drawings and sculpture art pieces, but never took it any further. My main goal after high school was getting married to my high school sweetheart. Which ended up in divorce after 7 years, oh well. I gave my marriage my all(well if I gave it my all, I would probably still be married, but since he was abusive, I couldn't stick it out). Sometimes I think back and when I was married at least I didn't have to worry about money. I ask myself this question all the time. Would I have been happier being slapped in the face every now and then, or not having money to pay my bills and buy my daughter everything she wants? My ex-husband makes a lot of money. BUT, I don't think I could have done it for much longer, so this was the right choice. We did have an awesome son named Bobby together, so something good did come out of it. Never married my daughter's daddy because he is abusive as well. How did I get from school, to these crazy men? I don't know, I just type whatever is on my mind.

My Aunt Peggy died on Monday night, so her funeral is on Saturday. I went to my dad's house yesterday, and hes really upset. I feel badly. Her husband just got out of the hospital, so hes not doing to good himself. I hate funerals so much; this is really raising my anxiety level this week with school. Still haven't heard from NTI. Maybe I should give them a call, its been a week. Still waiting on Quicktate, or iDictate. (On waiting list still). Well, I need to get off here, and mess with my toolbar for ppp. Still need to do this which I should have done by now.
God bless and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

5 Deaths this year, how sad

2008-08-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

OKay, Last September 5th my aunt died, and we went to her funeral on my Birthday on Sept. 8th. Then 2 months later her son died, then a few weeks later his wife died. Then in July a really close friend died, now today my mom calls me to tell me that my Aunt Peggy died last night. This is awful. I am numb, and this has not been a good year. I know my daddy is sitting down home sick to his stomach. My daddy is 67, and has severe anxiety just like me. I guess I get it from him. I hate to go down home tonight. DEATH!! What makes me even more nervous is my daddy. He drinks beer everyday and he has his whole life, except when he was in the military, in which he probably did, but not as much. He drinks about 15 beers a day. I am so worried about him, and now he is upset about my Aunt, because that is his brother's wife. My Aunt and Uncle were like the perfect couple. They went every where together. She was in her 70's, and so is my uncle, but they acted like teenagers in love.

I just wanted to give my Aunt a farewell "Love you Lots" goodbye. You guys have a great day! God bless

Sincerely. Barbara :(

Problems with Entrecard

2008-08-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

Entrecard keeps saying "Get One", even after I checked my cookies and did all the necessary tasks to allow it. Does anyone know what I may be doing wrong??

Hi everyone, How is everyone today? Good I hope. I am trying to fix my blog and add PPP, and entrecard, but I think my computer is acting up because I can't get either one to work so far. I think I may have to go back through the whole blog thread and reread. I did the tutorial for PPP, and still can't get it. Maybe its my mind..kind of in another world today. I went to my Math class last night, and it wasn't to bad, but of course, I just took notes. The hard part comes when I do the homework, and tests..lol. I went into my class and there was a woman sitting there, and I thought, "I know her from some where." Then when the instructor did the roll call I knew who she was. Shes a woman I worked with at a job for 8 years, but its been a while since I'd seen her, and didn't want to walk up to a stranger and be a fool. So at break, she came up to me and said "Barbara, is that you?" She was waiting on the roll call also. So, now a good friend is in my class..that makes it a little easier. Omgoshhh...right now I am torn between gas for my car, and getting a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi Max. Oh course I will pick the gas, not really a choice there, but it sure hurts to not get my Pepsi..

Anyway, on Wed and Thur I have my Graphic classes which are fun, so I hope. One of my teachers is hard; very, very professional, which is Okay, but we always have lots of projects due, I mean design projects, so these are not so easy to finish in a weeks time. Lets just hope she goes easy. And in design classes, we always have to give presentations.YUCK. I can't do these, and have only done maybe 3 since I started school, because of my anxiety problem. But, it does help when they make me do it. Gives me more self confidence. I am still thinking about this stupid entrecard deal. I hate when something doesn't work. Now I need to wash clothes, and clean house. And still waiting on my online class to appear. It was suppose to be open yesterday, but when I logged on, it wouldn't show up; go figure, nothing else is working..lol. Maybe it is this silly computer. I don't know, my Internet is working OK. Well, got to go. You guys have a blessed day. Oh yeah...TONIGHT IS 'BIG BROTHER' NIGHT..update tomorrow!

Sincerely. Barbara :)

Yes, I can do this, Yes, I can do this

2008-08-25T05:20:00.000-07:00

School starts today for me, well not until this evening, but still a little nervous. I have 4 classes this semester: 1 online class which is Web Design, and 3 in a class room. I have Algebra(yuck, which is tonight from 6 to 9pm), and I have Electronic Illustration, and also Graphic Media, so I am going to be busy and anxious this week. Even though I don't go to class until tonight, my nerves are going crazy. I did jump up out of bed quick with lots of anxiety and had to come in and sit on my sofa to catch my breath before getting my daughter up for school. Took her to school, now catching up with some online stuff before going to my closet in search of the perfect first day outfit. That's always awful for me. I usually end up trying on everything in my closet before deciding what to wear...that's an anxiety attack waiting to happen in itself. Think positive Barbara, this is your last year and then you'll have that degree(well, it I pass Algebra...grrrrr). Oh yeah, I need to call my doctor and get my script filled. Can't go to school without my medicine.

I got accepted for PayPerPost, but still have not downloaded my toolbar, I've been to nervous this weekend to even work on it. Since I don't have a class tomorrow, I think I will spend the day working on my blog, and maybe trying to take that test for ChaCha. They sent me another e-mail to be an expediter, since I failed the guide role. Some many things to do, and such little time. I bet NTI will call me back this week also and set a second interview ans ask me which job I am interested in. How am I going to do all this plus be a good mommy. Omgoshhh..First I have nothing on my plate, now its full..wow. Anyway, I am not complaining. I can handle just about anything, because I have been through everything. I will just have my daily anxiety attacks, and make the best of it. My cute little kitty is sleeping on the floor next to me, looking so peaceful. Sometimes I wish I was a cat. No worries, just lay around and eat and sleep. Being my luck though, I would be one of those cats that have to go look in dumpsters for their food, and find an abusive mean man to care for me. Just my luck.

Last night I watched "Big Brother", and Memphis and Jerry went up for eviction. I don't know who's going to be sent packing, they do that on Thursday night..I arranged my class schedule around Big Brother..silly me. Can't help it, I am addicted to that show about as much as I am my Diet Pepsi Max, speaking of which, I only have 2 cans left, and broke, so I have to start school without my Pepsi fix tonight. Well, I do have 2, which will do me until this afternoon. Man, got to do something about that problem today. And I did ask my mom to help me with my electric bill, and she is, bless her heart. Thank you mommy. Yeah, I better go pay that today as well, before I go to school. I guess I've chatted long enough. I will let everyone know tomorrow how my school night went. God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Best Blogger's Ever

2008-08-24T05:46:00.000-07:00

World of Mom
Drizzly Blog
WICBlog
Green 'n' Pink
Reading Writing and Reloading
Feelings Just Are
Not Just In Your Head
Kateedyd What?!
Mommie’s Marbles
Confetti by: Kateedyd
Pure Jade Home
Luxury Lifestylez
The Fuzzbutt Files
Kimmi's Krazy World
My Weekly Beef
My First Steps With
Jesus
Good News
I Love my 3 Boys
Secola‘s Space
Left Hand in Right Mind
Thrifty Mom Ramblings
Tupperware
My So Called Blog
Remotely Mommy
Vibrant Healthy U
Photos For The Fun of It
Nusring Home or Home?
The Art Of Criticism
World of Homemaking
Mix World
Have Your Health
Money Relations
A Christian Marriage
That‘s What I am Talking About
Spiritually Grounded Mind
A Break From Parenting
Florida Travel Spots
All in a blog
Blog About it
Different World
I feel like a woman
Easing Chronic Pain
Momas Life
Bahama Berry
Wah and Loving it
My Big Fat Battle
Liz’s So Called Blog
Secret Thoughts and More
Kathleens Brand Buzz
The 40 Life
Photos for the Fun of it
The Geeks Girl
NES Nintendo
The Mighty Scribbler
Domesticated Diva
A little bit About Nothin
The Cajun Blogger
Wahm Adventures
House of Bargains
Coodas Corner
My-Junk-Drawer
Fat Girl Goes Fit
Mommy Mias World
Vanilla Country Store
Thrifty Thoughts
Godly Woman
My Special Place
Work from Home Options
The work from home blog
Women Of Faith
Cypress TX Mom
Momas Life
Success Factors
Savvy Business Moms
Here On Columbia Avenue
Da Boss And Bryguy
4 Cats Make Me Crazy!

Big Brother update and More

2008-08-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally got accepted for PPP, now I just have to figure out how to download the toolbar. Nothing is easy for me. I get good news, then some bad news. Well, its not really news I have known about for a while now, but decided to put it out of my mind this week.
So last week I had to borrow 160$ from my mom for cable, phone and Internet. On August 27th my electric is due to be disconnected. (I did pass my test with NTI, but I have to wait on my 2nd interview before job starts, and my student loans are still like 4weeks away). So, I decided to call the Trustees office or a church around here for some kind of assistance just until I can pay this bill. I did not want to have to ask my mom again because I hate doing that. I would rather do anything then ask her. So I decided on the Trustees office and a a church around here. BIG MISTAKE!!! The Trustees office drilled me like nothing I've ever been through in my life, well next to last summer when I went to court to try and receive disability in which I didn't get. Since I have a phone, Internet and cable, they can't help me, and since I am a student, they can't assist me with anything. AND, the 2 churches were the same way. I always thought churches were suppose to be there for you in a time of need. Not these two. The lady I talked to said I would have to fill like 10 forms, and show proof of how I pay for gas for my truck, and insurance. She said "Well don't you think you should have paid your electric before borrowing money to pay for cable, phone and Internet." I told her, "Well, I guess I could have and me and my daughter can go sit in the yard and watch trees grow for entrainment, instead watching TV." And I said I need my phone and Internet for the jobs I am looking for and going to do online. I would have borrowed the money for the electric bill, but it wasn't in disconnect mode yet, and the other bills were. I felt so humiliated and dirty. I told her to just forget it, I would rather go ask my mom then be put through all this. She brought my anxiety level to a level that just about made me pass out. I was sweating and crying by the time I got off the phone. Pure hell, and I told her I will never call again for any kind of assistance from the government. Now, I have to ask my mom again. I wish my life would just take a turn for the better, and I get that job, and my blog does good, and I get iDictate, and get my student loans, all at once. One of these days when I feel stronger I am going to do something about how the system treats people who try and get assistance. I know there are people out there who abuse it, but heck, I am trying so hard to better myself. I even said I would sign over my truck until I paid them back...she just laughed(while I was crying inside). She said, "Oh things will get better" and I felt like saying "That's easy for you to say, you're sitting in your office with a nice job not getting ready to have electric disconnected, but I just shut up and told her to have a great day and hung up the phone. Oh well.

I was going to go to the bookstore today, but after my conversation with her, I lost my courage to go out the door. I lay ed down for a while, and got back up. My daughter's daddy called me and asked what was wrong and I told him. He told me "It will be paid, don't worry about it, I will take care of it." I know I am talking a lot about this problem, but I'm tired of something happening every day.

Last night was "Big Brother" night, and April was the one sent packing. She was sort of a you know what, so I didn't mind her going home. Check that show out sometimes, its pretty interesting. Next week their is a double eviction, and I can't wait. Scared to see who will go. i think I want Jerry to win because he is 75 years old, and I think since he served in the Military, (I have lots of passion for the Military), that he should win. He has had a long life, and deserves to see a big reward from God especially for him. Go Jerry, Go Jerry!!
It's raining here, but thank God we are not getting what Florida is getting this week. We had our flood in June, and I hope it doesn't come back here. I pray that all Florida people are okay.
Well, I need to get off here and do some things before I pick my daughter up from school. You all have a wonderful weekend, and God bless you all.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Google again

2008-08-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

Okay. I just googled a few of the sites I have on my blog site and everyone else is there also. Does anyone know how Google goes about ranking blog sites, or does that even matter? Oh well, I felt special for a moment...lol..at least we know someone is reading our stuff..This time I'm really done writing...lol..Omgoshhh..I am so silly sometimes. So help me, if that phone rings one more...God bless people's..

Sincerely. Barbara :)

Google

2008-08-21T07:50:00.001-07:00

Googled the title of my blog on Google search just to see if it would appear anywhere in the first 10 pages,, and WOW, it was number 3 on the first page, out of 683,000 pages. How the heck did that happen? Try typing in your blog titles and see just where yours is located on Google. It surprised me. Maybe today would be a good day to submit it for PPP....Just a thought, in which I have so many. Oh, and my phone keeps ringing...that man will not quit calling me this morning. I don't feel like talking to him, but I don't want to lie to him when he does write or whatever and say I wasn't home. What do I say to him. Afraid to ignore him.

Well, I just wanted to see if you guys would Google your titles and see what comes up. I think being #3 on page 1 out of 683,000 is pretty awesome. God bless

Sincerely. Barbara :)

Pass and Past

2008-08-21T06:55:00.001-07:00

Good morning everyone. I just got my e-mail saying I passed my NTI tests.Yahhh!! Party time,, lets get out the cake and ice cream. Speaking of food, I'm getting hungry...lol..should have ate something before I started writing because I can write forever. No, I think I will make this a fast one. Well, I do have something to talk about, so hold on, be patient with me.

About 3 years ago I started talking to this guy online. I think I've mentioned him before on here. The guy that moved here from Delaware. Maybe I haven't mentioned him. (not the stalker dude). Anyway, this guy likes me, and he has now for 3 years. He moved here after we met, but on his own doings. When I met him, I knew he was NOT "the one", and told him so before he moved here from Delaware. He moved here anyway. Well, he is now living in IL, going to school there, I guess. I asked him not to call me, but he still does. Like, this morning after I took my daughter to school, he called me about 4 times, but I did not answer. I am afraid of men, since I've been through about all a woman can go through with men. From cheating, to divorce, to rape, to stalking, to abuse..you name it, and I've had it happen to me. So I don't know what to tell this guy. As far as I know, he doesn't know where I live. A long time ago I told him I loved black trucks (its just something I have always liked), and so he wrote me an e-mail saying he took his student loan money and bought a black truck last week. Why would he do that? Did he want a black truck, or did he do it to impress me? I don't know, and I really don't care. I pray for him, and hope he does well in school, but as far as me and him ever being together, its not happening, EVER. I don't think he believes this. Men can't take no for an answer. Rejection is not in their vocabulary. I don't like rejection either, but if someone tells me they're not into me, then I don't push the envelope and stalk them. Oh, I said I wasn't going to talk long, I'm supposedly hungry..lol. Just needed to vent about this person in my life at the moment that I'm not sure about. He also asked me what my plans were on my birthday (Sept. 8). I told him I didn't know. So help me, if he shows up anywhere around my house in that black truck. I did through a curve his way, and I hope he believes me. I said I was thinking about moving back in with my daughter's dad. (In which I'm not, even though it was not a lie, because I said I was having a financial hardship, which is the truth). I have too much other things going on right now to worry about this man. Well, I am signing off for now. God bless you all and have a wonderful day.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Must I Leave Today

2008-08-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

Good morning all~~Well, I get another chance to take my NTI test. I am going to the library to retake it as I am afraid to take it on this computer. I hope I pass, so hopefully I can start working real soon. Need to get my butt off of here and go to Ivy Tech as well, my college of choice, which I might add is a great school for moms. Have to visit the book store and get those books. The book stores at colleges make a lot of money selling those books. My Math book costs 130 dollars, and I have 3 other classes as well. Thank God for Financial Aid. BUT, not when one graduates..Most of the money has to be paid back and that can take years. I just hope this degree I'm working on pays off in the long run. To me it sounds like a catch 22. So far I have taken out $14,000 on school loans. By the time I am finished, I will owe back almost $20,000. The higher ups insist getting a degree is essential in getting a good paying job, but I do know people who make good money with barely high school under their belt, with no debt. So, with my degree the first thing I will set out to do is pay off student loans, Oh My! Anyways, I do not feel any regrets for going back to school. Before I started, my grammar was not so good. My communication skills really sucked. It is helping me with my anxiety problem. It helps me more now in situations with people. Not a lot, but more then before. I still have way too many days when I don't want to leave my apartment. Like right now..I have to go to the library to take that test...and I can't get out the door. I will get dressed, and pace trying to get out the door. I check all electrical outlets, the stove, look in the mirror a million times looking for flaws. It's awful some days. My Diet Pepsi Max is so good. I can't stress it enough, you must try Diet Pepsi Max. You will love it and I'm not getting paid to say this, as I am still in the beginners stage of blogging. But I tell all my friends to try it , so why not tell you guys.
Have to get off here, because I could write all day, as you can tell by now. My blogs are all so long, I bet if I cut them in half, more people would read them all the way through. Can't help myself. Okay, I am signing off. You guys have a wonderful day and God bless.
Sincerely, Barbara ~~

Tested to the Limit

2008-08-19T11:39:00.001-07:00

Omgoshhhh..my computer froze up while taking my tests for NTI...now I don't know what to do...I did e-mail them and let them know about the problem, but I am so scared I screwed this up big time..I need this job sooo much. I just needed to come here and vent. Waiting on a reply from them..Please God let them let me retake this test, I know I can do it. I will keep you people updated on my sorry life situations that seem to happen every single day of my life..If its not one thing its another...Heck, I couldn't even pass the ChaCha test..If they don't give me another chance I am going to cry for weeks, because I have been waiting all summer for this work at home job. Please pray for me, please. God bless you all.
Sincerely. Barbara :(

Life

2008-08-19T05:06:00.000-07:00

Good morning everyone, I just took my daughter to school. Now waiting for my interview with NTI. A little nervous, but it will be over with in no time. Having my diet Pepsi max, love them so much. My kitty cat is sleeping in her rocking chair and just finished watching "Mad About You"..They seem to have the best relationship ever. Are there really men who treat their women with respect the way he treats Jamie? I couldn't tell you because I've never been in one myself. Mine have all been abusive, in exception for one man in which I wrote about before.."The One"..but I haven't seen him in like forever, so I guess it wasn't meant to be. It still my be, but when, I don't know. For now, I'll continue to talk to my daughter's daddy, because he is my only friend.
My daughter had 45 dollars for new school shoes. She wanted my mom to take her to the mall. So my mom did yesterday. When they pulled up, she didn't have her new shoes..and I asked her why, and she said she didn't have enough money on her. I think my mom could have given her a few extra dollars to get the ones she wanted, but she didn't..I'm not going to dish on my mom so I will shut up now. When I get one of these jobs, I will take care of it myself. I hate depending on someone to buy me or my daughter anything. One of these days..one of these days..Well, I need to do some computer practice before I have my interview this morning because there is a computer test right after the interview..I feel as if I may freeze up while taking the test..I'm not a good test taker. Wish me luck. Have a wonderful day, and God bless.
Sincerely. Barbara :)

One more thing

2008-08-18T19:55:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, Just wanted to add something else. Some days I type really fast and push publish post before editing..It comes with my anxiety problem I have. I get overly anxious and type to fast and forget. So, if you come to a blog I've written, and think, she can't spell, or whatever mistake you find on here, please forgive me. Working on fixing this problem. Once I tried to go in and edit a blog, and lost it some how. I deleted the whole thing some how, so now I just leave it. Silly me...let me try this again...good night everyone, and God bless.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

School days are here again

2008-08-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

Good evening all, tomorrow is school....YES!! Been waiting on this night for a while. Love my baby girl, but mommy needs a break. About half way through the day I will start to miss her lots. After all, she is about the only person I talk to during my days, besides my cat. Yeah, I talk to my cat, Tigre. She sleeps with my Nikki, my daughter, and I'll go in her room at night and see my girls sleeping, and they look so peaceful. But when they wake up, omgoshh, its on. She trained our cat to act like her. This is funny..my daughter has always liked to rip paper up into little pieces, and through them up in the air like snow, (she even does this now that she's 14, not so funny now), but anyways, she has trained our cat to rip up paper with her teeth. We crinkle a sheet of paper and through it at Tigre, and she grabs it in her teeth, and sits there ripping it up into little pieces..She is so cute when she does that. And she looks up at us like" look at me, ain't I cute"...Love my girls.
Watching the news and "Fay" is heading to Florida; lets just hope it stays a tropical storm and not a hurricane. Well, I need to close out of here, and try and get ready for bed. I was suppose to have my NTI interview today, but changed it until tomorrow, so now I have a long interview tomorrow and wish I did it today..oh well. Plus a few other work at home places have sent me e-mails...wow, it has been a good week for opportunities..ChaCha has a different position available, iDictate sent me an e-mail to be on their waiting list, and my blog is almost ready..still need to do some things to my blog that I keep putting off. I will finish the last minute details tomorrow after my interview with NTI...Busy bee I am..And school starts next week for me..full time. Going to be busy, so I hope I can keep this blog going.
Good night all and God bless you all.
Sincerely. Barbara :)

Obama-McCain-Grand Canyan-Big Brother-Russia-Oh my

2008-08-17T19:18:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm a little late in writing tonight, its seems to get later and later when I can write. I haven't felt to good lately. Just another day with anxiety. Right now I am watching the news, in which I do a lot. Something is happening in the Grand Canyon. A levy has broke and lots of people are in danger. Not sure on all the details yet, as I just turned it to the news. Also, CNN is talking about the forum that took place last night with both Obama, and McCain. Rick Warren, a Pastor, was in charge of the forum and each of the men got a chance to answer their views on each subject, from religion, to education, to overseas. It was pretty interesting. I've never really been interested in politics, but lately i have been. Not sure why. Maybe its because I am getting older, because I never used to care about news around the world, now I do. Also, we have to keep an eye on hurricane Fay, (well, right now it is considered a tropical storm, which may be upgraded to a hurricane). Fay is suppose to hit Florida on Tuesday morning. I've been watching this all day, and it seems to be turning west from the Keys in Florida. Lets not forget about Russia invading Georgia overseas, oh my!
Tonight was Big Brother night, and Reeny put up Jerry and April. Poor Jerry, I thought he was going to cry. Hes sweet. April, I don't know about her. I love this show. I have been watching Big Brother for the past 10 years. I can't believe its been that long. Time sure does go by fast. They also had a food competition and had to eat bugs..yuck.
Well, tomorrow is my interview with NTI, and I am so nervous. The lady called me on Friday and set a time for Monday at 10 am. The interview last for 1 hour and 1/2. What could they possibly have to say that lasts that long. Omgoshh... I need to keep my daughter quiet for that long. That will be a job in its self. I think that's why I've been sick over the week end. I also still need to get my blog ready for PPP. Not up to that task yet either. Still have lots to work on first. I've had great advice from follow blogger's which are listed on my page if you'd like to check them out. They have helped me out tremendously. Check them out as you visit my blog spot, lots of good reading there. I am out of here for now. God bless you all, and have a great day tomorrow. Pray that I do well on my job interview.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

2008-08-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

Wow, another long day. I kind of been cranky today for some reason. I think its because I have lots to do next week, and feeling some pressure. I also have been meaning to do some channges to my blog, but have had too much anxiety to mess with it. Plus, my daughter willl not give me my computer and I don't know how to handle this problem with her. She gets on the computer and when I try to take it from her, she puts up a fight,and in my state of mind, I just give in, and say the heck with it, keep it. She was on it for 7 hours today, and to tell you the truth I will be so glad when Tuesday comes because she will be back in school. I love my daughter dearly, but she can be so mean and nasty to me at times. It hurts me to think that I would give her the world, and she acts like I don'e exist. I am lonely and want to be in a relationship. I feel has if waiting on my daughters daddy is a big waste of time. I feel as if time is slipping away from me, and before you know it, I will be too old to even try and find someone to love and marry. Why do I keep waiting o him? Now hes getting an apartment, and i feel like he is pushing me aside. I need to go on with my life, but I don't know how.
I

Getting a little personal

2008-08-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

Hello people's...Hope everyone is having a great day so far. Just getting ready to clean house and head down to my moms house, like I do everyday. I don't know how many of you watch "Big Brother", but I am totally addicted to it. Last night Libra was sent packing her bags. In a way I liked her, because she was playing the game good, but I also didn't like the way she made comments about the older people on the show. That kind of put her out of the game in my eyes. There is a woman on there, Reeny, who is 54, and then Jerry, who is 75. During one of the competitions, she said they should put one of each(the older players) on each team to even out the odds. Meaning the older people was the reason her team kept losing. I held that against her, now shes out. Hold on, I need to go and get me a diet Pepsi max from the frig...
OK, I'm back, I love Pepsi max. Its diet, but taste sweet..I know I drink way too much Pepsi but can't help it. I have an addictive personality. If I'm not addicted to one thing, then its another. Not meaning anything bad, mainly foods, or diet drinks. I do take my xanax for my anxiety, and I believe I can't live without it. When I am having anxiety, I have to take one, but it usually doesn't help me until about 15 minutes after having panic, but then I feel better, so if that makes me addicted, then so be it.
Last summer I went to court because I was trying to receive disability, after not being able to work for such a long time. I got a denial letter within 3 months of going to court saying reasons why I was denied. One of the reasons was me taking my medicine(xanax), and the fact that I was trying to go to school. Also, because I can take care of myself and my daughter without outside assistance. Oh, and that I can drive. So, unless your a completely helpless, one can't receive disability for anxiety. They don't care if you only have panic while your in public..dah..thats when people who have panic attacks usually have them. I am OK at home most of the time, and can do everything that needs to be done. The judge was looking at me like I was an idiot or something. I never felt so much like a low life then I did when I went to court that day. Everyone said, or re-apply, heck no to that. They can keep there money. I will find work if its the last thing I do on this earth. Well, going to clean, that always relaxes me, and right now, after talking about the court issue, and all that, I am feeling a little sick. I hate that I have to suffer with anxiety. It will not go away. One of the reasons me and all my past relationships didn't work in the past is because I could not go into places with them. I can't eat in any place, and its hard to go to public places no matter how hard I try. They didn't believe I don't have control over this situation. Once when I was married, my then husband threw his food at me because we had to take our fast food to the park and eat it, because I could not go in. When we got to the park, they had forgot to put his fork in the bag, and he already had a bad temper, but that day, he completely went off on me. So, life has been really hard for me trying to deal with anything and everyone. God bless you all, and have a great day.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

The signs are in the weather

2008-08-14T08:27:00.001-07:00

Good day all. Feeling OK today. Just killing some time before I go pick my daughter up from her school orientation. Watching CNN, like I always do, because I like to keep up with world news. Russia is still invading Georgia, which is not a good sign. US is trying to get them to pull out..I tell you all, this world is not right. Things are happening way too fast in this world, and I think something is up. Not trying to preach, just know what the Bible says. Things are coming true, and we should all be prepared. Everyone gets prepared in their own way, and you know what your own truth is. Mine happens to be the Bible. Yours may be another religion.
In March I experience my first earthquake. I live in Indiana, so this is not common. I woke up around 5:30, and was laying there waiting on my alarm to go off, and about 5:37, my whole apartment started shaking, which went on for about 20 seconds..my daughter started hollering at me saying "mom, my room is moving'. I went and looked outside; I actually thought I would see the world splitting(not really, but did expect to see something going on out there), and I listened to radio, and yes, they said, "yes you guys, that was an earthquake" It was a 5.4, which still amazes us all around here, since we have never felt one. There were many after shocks that day as well. I was sitting at my computer at 11:30, and my whole body moved, my computer moved, it scared me to death...i was shaking. They said on the radio as well, "Yeah people, we just had another one' . Wow, that was a crazy day. Then on 06/07/08, we had the worst flood anyone around here has ever seen. It rained all night long, close to 9" of rain in one night. They had to remove people from there homes in boats. People's homes are still runt to this day. They were homeless for weeks on end in June. So, yes, this has been a year to remember around here in Terre Haute Indiana.
I say be prepared for the worse. You never know what will happen in a blink of an eye.
God bless you all, and have a wonderful day.
Sincerely, Barbara

Project Runway anyone

2008-08-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

Hi all, I just finished watching Project Runway, and Kelli went home. I really liked her. I thought her styles were really fashionable. I think they made a mistake tonight. Anyway, love this show, if you never watch, i would. Tomorrow is my daughter's orientation for high school. She is really excited about going. But she better get to bed, she has to be there at 8am. So it will be an early morning for us. Then she goes back next week on Tuesday for her first day. I need a break, so sort of happy. Then I go back the following week. I still haven't went school shopping yet. On my list of things to do.
I finally asked my dad today if I could borrow some money to pay a couple of my bills. My mom didn't look to happy, but she knows I will pay her back in a few weeks. I feel a little better about not worrying about my phone and cable tonight. I am getting a headache, not sure why. I think its because I spend too much time online looking for a job. It's really starting to stress me out. I am looking outside the home for work now, since school is starting back up. I do wish one of work at home places would call, but I am starting to think working at home is just a myth for me. It seems to work for everyone else, but nothing is appearing for me. I do have an interview at MAB Paints here in my home town next Tuesday. They pay really good, but I would have long hours away from my daughter, and it would interfere with my classes, but I don't know what else to do. Survival is all that matters at this point. Must provide for my daughter, and if I have to go outside the home, then I guess that is what God wants me to do. Life is so confusing. One day you know something about something and the next day you know nothing. Really sucks sometimes. But have to keep rolling with the wind. At least fall is almost here..love fall time. It is the most relaxing time of the year and the most calmest for me. Well, I need to get ready for bed. I am getting up a 6am, so I can make sure my daughter gets to school on time..I have to get her off the phone too. Shes in there making lots of noise. She has ADHD, and is overly active tonight. God bless you all and have a blessed night, SWEET DREAMS
Sincerely, Barbara

Omgoshhhh

2008-08-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

Hello all..Well, my baby made it home safely last night around 10:30. I was so glad to see her. She got a major sun burn, so she's in pain. I am sitting her contemplating calling my mother regarding my late bills. Man, why do I have to go through this every day. I just told myself, "Barbara, your not going to worry about this today..you can call her on Thursday" since I have until Friday, but my mind keeps going there. I filled out a form for another job on wahm's again last night; this one is for iDictate. It sounds pretty interesting. We'll see. Oh yeah, I also sent in an application for a crossing guard too, but if I get that job, I would work when school gets out because I would have to cross children, so I don't know about that. Plus, I would rather have the work at home job. But, I am desperate, so if they call, I can't say I wouldn't take it. I don't know what I am doing in this life. I have all these thoughts going on in my mind, but I can't get a single one to appear. Omgoshhh...It's driving me crazy.
My daughter's daddy is getting an apartment this weekend, which is a good thing, but now he will not be able to help me out at all. How hes going to do it, is beyond me, because he needs to quit drinking. Drinking takes most of his money. I will pray that he can because he was really happy last night about getting his apartment. I didn't show my disappointment for my own needs. I let him have his happiness. I try and keep my feelings silent so no one can see the truth in how I really feel. I put on my happy face and smile, even when I am having my anxiety. I just go to my truck and sit for a few minutes..but they know when I go to my truck I am having some panic, and they leave me alone for the time being.
Ok, people please pray for me that I can find the courage to call my mom and ask her if I can borrow some money to pay a few bills. She knows I will pay her back when I get my student loan, but since my sister gets money off her every week, it hurts when I have to ask for help also. I am scared to ask...omgoshhh, why do I feel this way. I think deep down inside of me, I didn't get the attention I should have when I was a child or something. I also read heard something the other day that amazed me. I heard that if your born "breech" you may suffer from some types of mental problems. I was born breech(which means when I was born my butt came out first, omgoshhh, thats why I am always going backwards instead of forward in life). It sounds crazy, but I think there is some truth to this. I have never felt like I was doing anything right, and I'm always waiting for something new to happen. Say like, if I got a job, I would still look in the newspaper looking for something different. Doesn't make since. Well, no wonder coming into the world butt first, what do you expect. Well, have to do somethings. Don't know what, just know there is something I should be doing. God bless you all.
Sincerely, Barbara ~~

I miss my baby

2008-08-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well, my baby went to Holiday World today. Shes not really a baby(14 years), but she's my baby still. Yesterday I had her convinced to not go, and we would go and do something together, because I just didn't good about her going. But later, her friend called and said "Hey, I have a free ticket for you, can you go?" and then my hopes of her staying home were out the window. I mean, I am glad she got to go and do something, but there has been so many accidents on the highways, it scares me to death. I pray she will be OK. And I do miss her...even though she is a total brat at times...lol..
Well, trying to get the courage to call my mom and ask her to borrow some money to pay my cable bill. This makes me sick...but I haven't found a job yet, so its either ask her; take money out of my checking account, in which I have no money in it, or have it disconnected..I really don't think I can live without cable..Don't you hate when you come home and something has been disconnected? Once I came home and my water was shut off...omgoshhh..whatever you do, make sure you pay that bill. That one is not fun to go without. Yuck. Anyways, I think I will go ahead and ask her tonight. I mean, all she can do is yell, or say no..both of which I can handle. If I get that job working for DirecTV, then my cable will be free, because as an employee, that is one of the incentives of being an employee..free DirecTV. Now, if they would just call me..I did send them another e-mail, asking about application..Let you know what they say. Still haven't heard anything from NTI..which sucks. I think I am not liking ChaCha either. I took that silly test, and failed it. Whatever! They can have their 10cents a question.
If blogging works, I will start recommending it to everyone, but right now, I am in the new stages of figuring it all out. I love to write, if you can't tell..lol..so this could very well be what I'm suppose to be doing. Well. going to clean a little, and maybe start another blog today..I need to come up with a good idea..my follow bloggers have some great ideas going on. As soon as I can figure out how to add them all to my page, I am. God bless you all, and have a great day.
Sincerely, Barbara~

2008-08-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

Fashion is one of my favorite words! Fashion magazines like Cosmo have been around forever and a day. I remember reading Cosmo when I was a teenager, which seems like 100 years ago, even though I am only 44, I feel like I should be 100..lol..I was just sitting here thinking about buying school clothes, and how everything we wear revolves around our fashion sense. I, for one, use to be into wearing whatever was in..but not so much now. I guess because I have no money to go mall shopping like I used too. Oh, but my daughter has a high fashion sense right now...being 14, she is in deep. Yesterday, she went and got her hair colored..It is blond and a purple strip on both sides. It looks cute, and if I was 14, I believe I would do the same thing. But, being OLD..lol..i think I will stay with just coloring my hair the color I always do...reddish brown. She is into her butt now..she is always looking at it in the mirror..omgoshh!! I think I have my hands full with this girl.
Another way I love fashion is design. I would love to be a designer of anything. Designing web sites, or designing houses or clothes..it doesn't matter. I just want to have the word "Design" in my career title. If I can just make it through this year of school, I will have that magical degree in design. What I am taking in school is mainly for web design, but I would love to go to New York and be around people in the designing world, like Project Runway...one of my favorite show...Fashion week on that show is awesome...Some day I will go to fashion week in New York. I made that promise to myself a long time ago, and I have to go to the Art Museums there also. That would be my dream come true." Make it happen, make it happen..lol..I will Tim, I promise" Well gots to go..God bless you all, and have a wonderful day.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Good Morning

2008-08-09T05:44:00.000-07:00

Good morning all..Well, I failed my ChaCha test, so I can now take that job off my list. Oh well, it probably would have been to stressful for me anyways...searching for answers in 2 minutes..I believe that would have put me over the edge..trying to look at this optimistically. That just means God has something better for me. When a door closes, there is always another door about to be opened. I know God will not let me stay in this state of mind. He knows I need money; He knows about my anxiety, so I know He has something else for me to do. Only time will tell. At least I don't have to worry about my daughter getting her hair done today. Her daddy is taking her, and paying for it. Thank God..now if I can convince her to forget about the trip on Monday to Holiday World...it will be OK. I wish she would just say,"Mom, I don't want to go to Holiday World..don't worry about it" but she keeps saying "I have to go" Please Lord let her change her mind, so my mind can rest this weekend..Then on Monday, I will worry about how I'm going to pay my cable and phone bill..omgoshhh...Life is hard isn't it? You get past one thing, and then another thing just comes up. In 7 weeks I will have my student loan, and I can pay all my bills, but in the mean time, I will be suffering through each day, wondering what to do. I wish i could get my mother to help me, but my other sister is taking pretty much all her money. My sister got evicted from her home in October, and my mom has been paying for her and her family to stay in a motel all this time...Every Friday my sister calls my mom and asks her to come and give her 180 dollars. And my mom does..I love my mom, but when I need help, she frowns, and usually says "have Adam help you" that is my daughter's daddy. I don't blame her for saying that...but it just isn't fair. I remember last summer while I was waiting on a letter from the disability office because I was trying to receive SSI...I had to ask my mom for money to pay me electric bill, which was 190 dollars...She didn't answer me for a long time...but then she said, OK, but acted really mad at me. That hurt my feelings so much, that I told myself I would rather go live in the street then ask my mom for anything else...then in October, she had to start helping my sister...Yeah, she complains, but keeps doing it...If it were me, she would have already put a stop to it...So I can't ask for help. The only person that I can ask is Adam...and then he also makes me feel badly. So, I am just a burden on everyone...Sometimes i wish I didn't have to do it anymore.
Well, have to go and get my daughter ready..Her daddy is coming to pick her up for her hair appointment. God bless everyone, and have a great Saturday.
Sincerely, Barbara

No worrying here

2008-08-08T12:13:00.001-07:00

Hi all...I am trying to think positive today. Not going to worry about bills or anything that has to do with money. I am waiting on ChaCha to send my confirmation e-mail..Hate waiting, it seems that is all I ever do. The sun is shinning, and not feeling to anxious. I probably will when I go down to my mom's house at 5pm..that's when I see my daughter's daddy. The first thing he will do is open up his bank envelope and show me there is nothing left for me..he always does that on Friday's,.. which hurts my feelings a lot. I don't even have to ask him for money and he does that. Oh well. Here is the thing with me and her daddy. 4 years ago I had him move out of our home because he is an alcoholic. To this day, he still is. He stays at his friends house, in there yard, in his van. He buys a 30 pack every other day. So the reason he usually can't help me out is because he puts all his needs before mine, which is his right since we don't live together. The thing that really pisses me off about the whole thing is, when I asked him to move out 4 years ago, he said he would quit drinking, so he could move back in with us. Well, he didn't quit drinking...and I can't go on with my life because of him. I keep waiting. Waiting on what? Like I said, all i do is wait. I wish that guy who I talked about on one of my writings would just knock on my door and ask me to marry him. Would i say yes? I don't know. It would solve my problem with my daughters daddy. But could i say yes if the guy I really believe is "the one" ...but not going to worry about that today either. Just going to concentrate on getting down to my moms and seeing her daddy, then coming back home and putting my pajama's back on..that is when I am in my safe mode. Well, God bless everyone, and will talk again soon. Have a great weekend
Sincerely, Barbara~

My Prayer to God

2008-08-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

My Prayer to God today...Are you listening God? I know you are, but I don't understand why life has to be so hard. Living in a world that takes lots of money, and not having any is really too much to handle Lord. I pray that You Lord show me a way to pay my bills this week..All my bills are 2 months over due. I pray Lord that you hear my prays. My daughter has a list longer then I can handle for school Lord. She wants her hair colored because she is going into High School, and wants to look her best, and she has a trip to Holiday World on Monday through a church group thing. She needs 40 dollars to go, and I don't have it Lord. She is upset with me and blames it on me for being poor and not being able to work. She knows Lord about my anxiety, but a child her age doesn't care if you can't work, they think all they have to do is ask, and the money appears magically, She doesn't know that I am sick inside Lord because I can't buy the things she needs. Her daddy is all out of money as well. He has helped me as much as he can this past summer, and has nothing left to give.
I feel so hopeless Lord. I feel so sad Lord. I am numb with pain Lord. I want to work, I pray that I can work, but my anxiety will not let me get out of the house, because I have tried this summer..and i messed them up(jobs). Help me Lord and provide me with solutions. Please take this suffering away from me. Give me a chance to prove to you that I can work doing something Lord. I know I can..Just don't know what it is I'm suppose to be doing with my life Lord. I am going to school, but can't seem to finish. Help me Lord to find my way. I love you Lord more then anything else in the world. Amen.
In Jesus name~~

Summer 08 just about over

2008-08-06T05:45:00.000-07:00

Good morning everyone..Just woke up and not feeling very positive. I did wake up fast and jump out of bed fast. I came into the kitchen and fixed my coffee..turned on my computer and TV, watched Paula White, a minster on TV that has really helped me feel better about myself and days when I want to give up, which is a lot. It looks like rain here today, that's OK, I like rain..when the sun is out, I feel worse for some reason. The sun usually makes people feel better but not me..Also prefer night time to day time.
Well, summer 08 is just about ready to come to a close, and fall will be here...yahhh...even thought this summer has went pretty fast. Only a couple more weeks and my daughter will start school. She starts on Aug. 18..she needs to yo back, because she spent the whole summer on the computer and phone. My phone is going dead because she is on it too much. I had to get call waiting last week, because as you know, I am trying to get a work at home job, and she was on the phone from the time she got up until she went to bed...same with the computer...and if I wanted to fight with her, I would take them from her, but I don't have the energy. Her daddy got mad at me last night because I didn't want to leave the apartment. He goes "that's why I gave you 5 dollars for gas so you would come down"..oh well, I am depressed and if he doesn't see that then he doesn't care about me...I tell him all him all the time, I don't feel like I can go on..but no one listens to me...I feel as I'm in this world all by myself.
Well, everyone have a wonderful day, and God bless you all...all that are out there, but I do believe I am typing to myself, because I never see anyone comment..That's OK, at least I can let out my feelings, and feel better about me..a little bit anyway...not much.
Sincerely, Barbara ~

Obama or McCain-Who's your choice?

2008-08-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

Just watching the news...lets see, in LA, a plan had to have an emergency landing..don't know details yet...Morgan Freeman had an accident on a Mississippii highway yesterday, but I believe he is ok and out of the hospital today. Hurrican Edouard is making a landing in Texas..but I think its down sized to a tropical storm..which is still not good, but better then what believed. Obama and McCain are still figuring each other out..an on going event..in which I must say, I don't care for either. I was gunning for Obama, but in the last 6 months, I don't do much anymore. He cute, and smart, and witty, but can he really run the country? I don't know. I think McCain is a bit older and I think that may get in his way. Not saying age matters, but he is 75 I believe...that is a factor. I do see him flip flopping on lots of issues, and so does Obama. So, I just will not vote.
Still waiting on one of those work at home jobs to appear...I am starting to thing working at home is only a myth. I have seen so many job listings on WAHM, and WPLH, but when I apply I get rejected. I don't understand. Still waiting on N.E.W to contact me..in which I thintraining starts for that job on Sept.8th(my birthday). So there is still hope for that one. The NTI people were suppose to contact me, but haven't heard anything yet. Still have not taken my test for chacha yet. Not sure if I will pass that test because of my anxiety. When I get nervous, my brian freezes up. I always say I will take it today, but then today comes and goes, and I am still saying "I will take it today"'...silly me..
Hey, does anyone know a website where I can get a free Algebra tutor? When school starts in 2 weeks, I have to pass this class. I have taken it 4 times, and I have to graduate this May 09. Must have this credit. I am out of ways of trying to figure this out. I am good at anything artisy..but give me Math..and forget it. If you do know of a good website, just e-mail me at lorraine6363@aol.com
Welll, I must leave you all, i have to write in my other blogs...I will list them on here when I have them up and ready...God bless you all
Sincerely, Barbara ~~

Home Sweet Home

2008-08-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

Good morning...getting ready to pick up my daughter from her friends house. She spent the night there, and she's giving me a hard time this morning because she want to stay longer...shes been there since yesterday..starting to feel like she doesn't love me and wants to stay away. I know when I was that age, I was never home, but she is not mature for her age. I don't like this teen business. It really sucks. And another thing...she is always taking pictures and putting them on her myspace. I don't know about her, shes really starting to worry me.
School starts in 2 weeks..this summer really went fast. In a way I am glad, because I love fall, but in a way I'm not. That means winter will be here soon...don't really mind cold weather, I just hate scrapping my car windows...omgoshhh...i hate that sooo much. But the first snow is relaxing. It would be more relaxing if I had "the one"..lol...Oh well, its still not my time. Maybe I'm suppose to be by myself...na..don't believe that.
As soon as I get one of those work at home jobs, I plan to move to the country in a house. Right now I live in an apartment, and I really have no privacy at all. People above me, beside me and across the hall way from me...I feel as if I can't breath. Anxiety gives you that feeling. I want a front porch over looking a field, with a porch swing...listening to my radio, doing school work, with a husband sitting beside me..."Dream a little dream for me"..oh well, one of these days...I have to get ready to go and get my child..She better get in my car...shes wanting to go to Holiday World on the 11th of this month, but the way shes acting, I doubt I will let here unless she changes her ways...God bless you all..have a wonderful day~~
Sincerely, Barbara :)

The little things in life

2008-08-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

Good morning everyone..My day is starting off pretty good so far. As you know if you've any of my blogs, i suffer from anxiety, and usually my worse times are right when I wake up. I jump up out of bed like I'm in trouble or something. That feeling is starting to subside a little. Maybe I'm not caring as much about what my neighbors think now...not sure what happened. As of today, I am still waiting on those two work at home jobs to call me. And I am still in the process of getting ChaCha going. I am having lots of anxiety about taking that final test to work with them...I get prepared, then cancel out..lol..Today I will for sure..
Wow, I just had a bunch of things wrote out, and I touched something and deleted it all...man, now I am upset..lol..but still smiling. I can write more, I think.
My daughters daddy is coming over. Sometimes when I can't go to the store because of my anxiety, I will ask him if he will go for me. In exchange I was going to fix him breakfast. But, he just called and said he had to work on his brakes first. I guess it will have to be lunch I fix him. Thats the kind of relationship we have currently. I do things he needs done, and he does things for me that I need done. I know it sounds crazy, but it works for now. But I don't believe I am in love with him anymore. Its more on a friend level. But I do just get jealous, and that is one sign that feelings are still there. I've been going through this with him now for over 15 years. Omgoshhh...how does one keep let go of past relationships. I don't know. I guess its better then not having anyone, but I can't go out and meet "the one" living like this. My anxiety is to bad to change anything up right now, so today we will still remain friends. Well, gots to go..God bless everyone, and have a great day.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Fall time brings refreshing days

2008-08-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

Hi all...signing on late tonight...its just been a long day. It's really hot here, and I'm getting anxious to get back to school. I love the fall...I know the leaves and everything start to die, but its my most relaxing time of the year. Its also my birthday time, so maybe that has something to do with it. I finished registering for my fall semester, and going to have a full schedule. My major is Art, well, Visual Communications. I love to draw and my first choice when I decided to go back to college was to be an Art teacher. That didn't go to well, because my anxiety got in the way with some of the classes I was taking, so changed from art teacher to Web Designer. ~~Maybe~~Subject to change at a moments notice. I live day to day, so I never know what will change. I wish I could just pick a career choice and keep it. I do have some hard times using the computer, and not sure if web design will cut it for me. The reason I chose web design is because it was as close to drawing as I could get. I love to draw and be creative, but can't find a career that pays to draw at home, unless your totally awesome and talented..in which, I'm not. I just love to draw. Well, anyway, I only have a few classes left plus Algebra(I have took this class 4 times and can not pass...lol...not really funny, but I have to laugh about it or I will cry). At least I will have a degree in something, which is better then nothing, so they say. Who is they? The ones that run the world.
Well, I have to get up early in the morning and take my daughter to church, then come home and try and take my chacha guide test. I have been wanting to take this test all week end, but keep getting nervous. I better hurry up, or they'll give it to some one else..
God bless everyone and good night
Barbara :)

~God is Love~

2008-08-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone~~It's a wonderful day. When you have God in your life anything is possible. If it wasn't for God, i doubt I'd be here right now. I pray when i first wake up and through out my day. I started really feeling the presence of God about 4 years ago, when i asked someone this simple question~~"What is the difference between God and Jesus? Then my life started changing. The one sure way I know God is there, is the way I do things now. I used to live with my boyfriend, but not long after asking that question, I had him move out. I was drinking a little, not much at the time, but i stopped. The main reason I know He is there and hears us is, i used have sex without thinking twice whether I was making God mad at me. I mean if I was married, no problem, but i wasn't married, and didn't really care. Then after asking the question, What is the difference between God and Jesus? I started caring about little actions I was doing on my part. I stopped cursing,(sometimes those words go come out, but it takes a whole lot of madness). I am still confused though why I am having a hard time with financial needs, and finding love again, and why my depression and anxiety will not go away, but I know there is a reason why I still suffer from these things. God is using me for something, I just don't know what yet. The truth will come out soon, I just know it will. In the mean time, I will stay faithful, and will not go back to my old ways, no matter how tempting the urges become. Which right now, I am dreaming of the day I get married. Not sure who this man will be, but I have a big God, so I am sure He has someone really special in mind for me. God bless everyone, and talk again tomorrow.

Barbara :)

I wish i may, i wish i might

2008-07-31T18:38:00.000-07:00

I wish i may, i wish i might, i wish i may have this wish tonight~~I finally heard from ChaCha..yahhhh!!! Now I can start making some money. I hope its fun, and brings me lots of money. Me and my daughter can sure use it. Today i helped my daughter make her blog. She was just writing away..lol..bless her heart. I hope she can make some money too.
Just through watching Big Brother 10...love that show. Angie went home..not my first choice to leave, but oh well. Now i am contemplating whether i should take my chacha test, or wait until i can go print out the handbook. I think i should wait, i would hate to fail the test. If anyone wants to know about chacha, just mail me and i will let you in on this nice little job.

Today i had a doctors appointment, which went well. She told me i should go and have a pap smear...i know...sounds awful, that's why i put it off as long as possible.. My doctor didn't know that i haven't had one since my daughter was born, in which she is now 14 years old. Omgoshh...its been 14 years since my last pap smear....not good..she said i need to go and have one asap. Yuck...I also got some news from my college saying I had an outstanding balance that i need to take care of before my financial aid will take effect..so tomorrow i need to call the school and get that fixed....i had no idea i had a balance..i get financial aid, so everything is supposedly paid for..just another thing on my list of things to do.
I did see a really good looking guy today while i was out and about...One of these days i will find "the one". People who are married wish they were single sometimes, and single people wish they were married sometimes...we are never happy..are we?
Well, talk tomorrow, God bless you all.
Barbara :)

Another Day, Another dream washed away~~

2008-07-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

Depressed today again. Can't figure out how to pay my bills, and its really getting to me. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, maybe she can help me with this depression. I hate to dwell on the same things right now, but these are my secret thoughts. No pleasurable thoughts going on here right now. I am thinking about calling me mother and asking her for help, but she has enouth to worry about, and I don't want ot add to her problems. I wish one of those jobs would call me today. In a month, I will have my school student loan money, which I can use to take care of school and bills, but I have a whole moth before that happens. I tried to receive disability for my anxiety, but when I went to court, they denied me, which is ok, because I would much rather work, but I have tried a few jobs this summer and failed at both. I did get approved by the VR in my state, but that could take a while. The N.E.W. jobs are not suppose to start until Sept. 8th, so, not sure what to do. Blogging doesn't pay until your a pro at it, in which I clearly am not. Trying to get into ChaCha, but still waiting.
It seems alll I do is play the waiting game. For school, work, love, or whatever. I am always waiting on something to happen. I remember even when I was married, and content, I was waiting on something to change. I would stay up at night and figure up our bills, and my husband at that time made good money, so why did I put myself through all that. Only God knows. Well, I have to go for now. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some good news.
God bless everyone,
Barbara :)

My secret thought of the day..

2008-07-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

Well, last night was not a good night, so I woke up feeling depressed. Thats what took me so long to write in my blog today. Remember me talking about my daughters daddy living in his van. Well, last night his friends told him he couldn't use there electric anymore. So, he stayed in his van without power. So, of course, he called me at 9pm saying those words I used to hear when he lived with his dad; they were "Come get me ******* now"...I got sick to my stomach, and all those old feelings started to resurface again. So, like a fool, I got in my truck and drove to where he was, because you see, by then, he was good and drunk. I am afraid if I don't go when he calls, he will drive to my house and cause a big scene, or kill someone trying to drive drunk. So, I got in my truck, and drove to him....by then, i was in tears, that I could not control. Thank God, he got things straightened out, and I got to come home without an argument. All day today I was wondering what tonight would bring. He gets to continue to use their electric for now. But omgoshh,,,there is no way I can live with him again. But, he helps me with my bills, so I feel guilty if I don't run when he hollars. I need help badly. I sure do wish I would get one of those jobs so I can go on with my life and not depend on anyone to help me out.
My daughter has been real mean this week also. She is 14, but acts like she is 8..don't know what to do with her. She does nothing I ask her to do, and she stays on my computer and will not give it to me. She will scream at me, if i just take it, and i live in an apartment, so people can hear everything. I want to move into a house so bad. But first i have to get one of those jobs...man, I pray God hears my prayers, and gives me one of those work at home jobs really soon. All my bills are due now, some over due.. So these are my secret thoughts today, not good ones, and I hope tomorrow will be a better day. God bless everyone...
Barbara :)

Food, men, the one!!

2008-07-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon everyone,
Just fixing banquet pot pies for me and my daughters lunch. Not my first choice, but oh well. Today I was thinking about that man that I said I loved a while back. My life with men and love has been a book all in its self. I got married when I was 18 years, had a baby boy named Bobby, at 20, got divorced at 26, dated about 6 men in 6 months at age 26..i call that my wild time. I just for some reason didn't care about anything at that tiime. I had a good job making 13. oo an hour, and lots of friends. Me and my son lived by ourselves. Then I met this man through my new job, (my 14 year olds daddy), and we have been on and off for 17 years now. In between our breakups, he has had girlfriends, and I have had boyfriends. Thats how I meet my stalker of 5 years(in which i haven't seen him now in 3 years, don't know what happened to him), and this other man, in which i felt was "the one". But me and my daughter's daddy got back together, and that one ended also. So, the reason my daughters daddy and me are not together, together, is because he's an alcoholic. That is the reason I had him move out 4 years ago. He lived with his dad for a while, now he lives in his van, running an extension cord to his van for power, at a friends house. Me and my daughter go and see him every night for about an hour. He will not quit drinking for me, and for some reason, i can't just let him go. I take him places, and he helps me with my bills, when he can. So I give him something, and in return, he gives me something. (no sex in this exchange)...just in case anyone is wondering if that plays a part. As a matter of fact, I am waiting until I get married for that, so that may never happen again...omgoshh....!!!
Anyway, I was thinking about this man that was "the one" Can someone please tell me how to locate him. And if I do locate him, what do I say? So, as you can see, my life with men has not been easy. Not to mention another man I met online a while back...that is a whole nother day..I promise I will tell about that situation here soon. Well, my pot pies are about finished, so I better get going for now. God bless everyone, and have a great day.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

July 26th turned out to be just another day, oh well..

2008-07-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

So I made it through July 26th...nothing happened..i don't whether to be glad or sad. As I wrote in yesterday's blog, i circled that date because for some reason i seen that date 2 times in April. Don't know what it meant. Oh well...maybe its next July 26th..lol..
Got up early and took my daughters dad some place. Got back home an hour ago, and really bored. I reaa the newspaper, and watched a movie. Would clean, but did that yesterday. What an exciting life I lead. Hopefully this week I will get started on my new work at home job. It will take me a couple of weeks to get everything set up though. I wil need a second phone line, and a desk top computer. Plus a printer and Lord knows what else, but it will be worth it to stay at home and monitor my daughter. Plus, its pays good, and I won't have to buy gas for my truck...just don't know about the customer service type of work. I've never done this kind of work before. My main experience has always been in manufacturing...so we'll see. If God wants me to do it, then I'll be able to do it. If not, I'm sure He will put me on another path before this job starts. I have changed directions more then I would like to count. In relationships, jobs, living locations, cars, just every area. I move a lot, and get tired of things easy...this is not good...i believe it has to do with my anxiety problem..Well, I think me and my daughter are leaving again...so will talk again to you all tomorrow..Have a great day and God bless..
Barbara :)

July 26..Don't know what this day will bring!!!

2008-07-26T06:55:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it....i actually slept until 9am...amgsoh! I never sleep this late. But, that made me jump up even faster. I wish I wouldn't do that, jump fast as if I am in trouble for sleeping. Oh well, just drinking my coffee and trying to relax from about killing myself jumping out of bed. If you don't know why I get up fast, I explained all that in my very first post, so i won't bore you today with my anxiety problem. Today, there is somethins else on my mind. You see, sometimes I get little signs about the future, so i feel anyway.
On April 29 of this year, i was on the computer, and i seen this date, for no good reason..July 26..with not year behind it..didn't think much of it, but within an hour, i was watching TV, and there it was again...July 26, with no year behind it..it was creepy. So I wrote this date down in my scheduler. So far, so good. I have had little signs at other times, that i will explain at another time. Things that lead me to God. If nothing happens today, I will talk about a few tomorrow when I wake up. So with July 26 fianlly here, I pray that it is something awesome, like a dream job, or marriage proposal(which would be a blessing, because there is no one i am in love with at the moment..lol..Well, one man, but I haven't been in contact with him in over a year. I fell in love with him, an then we just stopped, an went our separate ways. Don't know where he is now. Ok, i am just rambling on..i have so many things I could talk about. Save for another day. From love, to divorce, to babies, to just about anthing, I've been through it. God bless you all.
Barbara :)

Anxiety has got the best of me today

2008-07-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

Good morning everyone,
I all a lot on my mind this morning. My anxiety is really bad, and feeling depressed. I have too many things going on right now. I might have 2 different jobs working from home coming up real soon. I have never been a customer service anything, and I am getting nervous about it. What if i can't do it? I need money badly, so I will have to over come my anxiety to do this. You guys have no idea how bad my anxiety really is. I have about 10 panic attacks daily. I take my medicine, but that doesn't help while I am in the middle of an attack. Its real hell. I tried to work in the real world over the summer, but failed about 4 times now. I have no husband for support, so my daugthers needs are all on me. I did get approved with VC, and that is how I will be attempting to work from home. Also, I applied with N.E.W., the new home based work company that came to Terre Haute last week. I pray that I can do one of these jobs successfully, mine, an my daughters future depends on it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to try and go out of your own front door, but can't. Some days are like that for me.
School starts in 3 weeks for my daughter, and 4 weeks for me. So, if i get this work at home job, i will be going that, plus going to school full-time. I only have 2 semesters left to get my degree in Visual Communications. I want to to do something in design, since art is my thing. I hope I can finish this year. Please pray for me, that I can do this job coming up, and that I can make it to all my classes.
God Bless eveveryone
Barbara :)

2008-07-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

So once I have this stalker. I met him about 10 years ago while me and my then boyfriend were spit up. Me and *** dated for about 5 months. After 5 months, me and my old boyfriend decided to get back together. *** a.k.a. the stalker, didn't like that idea at all. He started leaving notes in my mailbox, leaving money, gifts, and going around my block where i lived about once an hour. After about 3 months of him doing this continuously i called the police. They could not help me, they said he was allowed to drive around the block all he wanted to as long as he didn't come onto my property. I got used to seeing him, and he would always know where I was at. He did this for 5 years, and yes, I said 5 years. Then one day, he like disappeared, without any trace. I have not seen him now for over 3 years. But i can still see that 87 black monte carlo in my dreams, an if I see one on the street, I get emotional. I prayed that he woul stop, and so far, he is gone. This is just one of my experiences I have had with men who want to control, or abuse.
God bless everyone,
Barbara :)

Drawing Brings Peace

2008-07-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

One of the baby girl twins/5 hours old

2008-07-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

Good morning everyone, here is a picture of my niece's sweet baby girl. Isn't she beautiful. I wanted both of the twins together, but since they were just born, we couldn't get both in at this time...but I will get one later on.
Will be back here soon. I want to write about something that effects me still, even after a few years.
God bless you all
Barbara :)

Wow~~~Identical twins

2008-07-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,
Todays a good day....My niece gave birth to girl identical twins. Me and my daughter went to see them, and omgosh, they are soo beautiful. As soon as I can get the pictures downloaded on here, I show put them up, so everyone can see them. The smallest one cries all the time, and the bigger one just lays still...So Sweet!
My anxiety level is high, I am home now, its 7:45, and I'm trying to decide if I want to go to my friends funeral tomorrow. I feel as if I have to, but my mind just feels like I can't be around all those people. Maybe after I sleep, I will feel better.
Well, I am getting off here, I have millions of things I should be doing. Tomorrow I am going to talk about a touchy subject, that is hard to talk about, so I will write more in the morning/
God bless you all..
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Back to school soon

2008-07-21T05:19:00.000-07:00

School is coming back soon. Me and my daughter go, so have to make some money quick so we can buy some cool school clothes. This will be my final year in college. My major is Visual Communications...and I am soooo glad its almost over. My daughter will starting in High School...scary thought. She is ready to start, mainly for the boys...lol...she is getting boy crazy. God help me. If she is anything like me, she will take boy's with a grain of salt.
My favoite show came back on last week. Big Brother 10. This is a very interesting TV show. If you've never watched, I recommend you do. You may be thinking, omgoshhhh, another reality show. But, this is not boring; i love it lots.Tune in.
My anxiety is at a minimum this morning, but I did wake up fast. Started thinking about my thoughts. My mind races in the mornings rapidly, making me feel very anxious. My coffee did help, and I am finding this writing of my blog is releasing some pressure also.. I wish I would have started doing this a long time ago.
Well, I have lots of things to do today to prepare for my new jobs coming my way.
God bless everyone and have a beautiful day all...
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Lets See....

2008-07-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

Lets see....made it through yesterday. Missing my friend lots. Isn't it sad, you just never know when your time is up ^^^...I feel for Tim's family. They are coming in from all around, and I know I am talking a lot about him, but thats okay..I can. Good Bye Tim***

Just took my daughter to church. Church is good for her. I hope she benefits from the Word. I would go, but with this anxiety, its hard to get in places where people accumulate. Working on it. Working on it..My daughters daddy is waiting on me to come down, so I have to start getting ready. I get ready, but never feel ready. Oh yeah,,,,,I am hating myself more and more with age. When I was in my 20's, I started dating my daughters dad. He is 9 years younger then me. So, I was 27 and he was 19 at the time. I felt old then, because he was so young. But now...man...let me tell you....I really feel old. I am 44, 44, 44,, soon to be 45 in September..omgosh!! My advice on dating a younger man...the only thing hard is..you feel old alll the time. The older he gets, the older you get. I find myself looking in the mirror a lot more these days, so I try to avoid them. Not that I am bad looking, I have never had a problem getting attention; it's all in my mind. The anxiety part of my life tells me...you are old, fat, and ugly, so why try. But, as you all know..we must..its what we do. Go out that door, dream big...now if I can only follow my own advice...lol..
Tilll next time....God bless :)

Barbara *

Good Bye to a good life long friend R.I.P.

2008-07-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

Good morning everyone,
This morning I woke up, but not in my usual way. In past mornings, I had anxiety and thoughts that are uncommon to most people after having a good nights sleep. My phone rang and woke me up around 6:30. My boyfriend called me to let me know that a good friend died at 2am in the morning. My friends name is Tim. a.k.a. (tiny). I really don't have words on how this makes me feel at the moment, since I am trying to take it all in. Yesterday afternoon, my friend who is only 48, went in to have surgery on his stomach. His family just put in a Nursing Home a couple of weeks ago, because no one could care for him. He was a drinker for as long as I've known him. I just seen him last week sitting out in his father's yard, as the family had a family reuion last weekend. So, he did get a chance to see all his family one last time. He has 14 bothers and sisters.
I remember when we were all children, he was a little older, but him and his bothers and sisters used to come over to our house, and my dad would spray us all off with the garden hose, as we couldn't afford a swimming pool. But it was soooo much fun in those days. I will never forget Tim. I know he is in a better place this morning, smiling down on his family, sitting with God.
Well, I will let you guys go for now. My anxiety is kind of gone at the moment, because I am feeling like I don't really care what my neighbors think I do all day long. I am alive, and that is all that matters this morning. When we think life can't possibly get any worse, just think of my friend, Tim, who died an awful death, and I am missing him a lot. God bless all.
Sincerely, Barbara

Today is not a good day!!!

2008-07-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon to all. I woke up quickly this morning, as i always do. For some reason, when i wake up, i have really bad anxiety. I feel like if i sleep past 7am, the pleasure police will come and arrest me. Ever since i started having my anxiety problem a few years ago, my life has not been the same. I can't complete anything I start. I've been trying to finish college since 2002...wow, that is a long time to try and get a degree. It's not because I am stupid, but because I start having panic attacks, and have to drop out of my classes. Not good. Right now I have a major headach, and my thoughts are going crazy. I need a job badly, but can't find one that I can keep, due to this anxiety problem. So, I thought just maybe, I could start blogging, and see how this goes. I need a break from this thing called life.

Anyway, as I started out saying, I woke up, feeling as if I don't deserve to sleep, since I am not working, I feel as if my neighbors are wondering what I do all day long. Does she work? Is she just rich...lol...I wish? Is she on welfare, that lazy woman? All these thoughts go through my head, especially in the morning, as soon as I wake up. So I rush out of bed, fix my coffee...thank God for coffee....and get dressed...Get dressed for what I always ask myself. It's not like I am heading to work. Thats why I start having panic attacks early in the morning. Hopefully one day I can just lay in my bed, and feel that simply pleasure of sleeping in.
Have a wonderful day everyone, and please return. I will have lots of conversations about my secrets from past experiences ( which is really unbeliveable to hear) and my secret thoughts, my inner feelings about life, men, work, school, children, and lottttsssss of Art topics, my real passion. Oh yeah. ...my wonderful God above me, who without Him, i would probably not even be here to write. God bless you!!

Sincerely, Barbara :)

SECRET THOUGHTS AND MORE

~~New Beginnings are Bittersweet~~

~~Only have a few minutes to write~~

~~A new day begins~~

~~New investment~~

~~Thinks trying to work at home is impossible~~

~~Watchin the Waltons and searching for a job...AGAIN~~

~~Just a lazy kind of Sunday~~

~~So I heard to have a successful blog site, I must be writing about a certain topic~~

~Hmmm...doing facebook, and job searching..gezzz~~

Oh yeah, please visit my cookie store..Thank you~~

~~Watching CMA's~~

It's been a while

Wow...It's been forever and a Day since I've wrote on here...lol...

~~Celebrity Rehab, its gonna be a great nite~~

~~What will be will be~~

~~It's a Wonderful Llife~~

~~My Bad or What~~.

~~Caution-Seen man in white truck yesterday...lol...~~

~~Hi to my friends~~

~~My Uncle passed away at 5am this morning~~

~~Sarah Palin~~I wish people would leave her alone~~

~~Going to school, talk soon~~

~~In the Belly of a Fish~~

~~Short & Sweet~~

~~Keep thinking about him~~

~~Big Brother is done~~For this season~~

~~Why do people do the things they do~~

~~A guy friend to remember always~~

~~Hi all~~

~~You don't want to know my secret thought today~~

~~Good day at school~~

~~Got a surprise today from "The One"~~

~~Web design ideas for class project~~

~~Big Brother~~

~~Why can't they just fix it already, ****~~

~~A little of this, and a little of that~~

~~Hot Water Blues~~

~~Hanging in there~~

~~Hurricane Gustav is getting closer~~

~~McCain Picks Palin as running mate~~

~~School Sucks~~

~~Big Brother update~~

~~5 Deaths this year, how sad~~

~~Problems with Entrecard~~

~~Yes, I can do this, Yes, I can do this~~

~~Best Blogger's Ever~~

~~Big Brother update and More~~

~~Google again~~

~~Google~~

~~Pass and Past~~

~~Must I Leave Today~~

~~Tested to the Limit~~

~~Life~~

~~One more thing~~

~~School days are here again~~

~~Obama-McCain-Grand Canyan-Big Brother-Russia-Oh my~~

~~Getting a little personal~~

~~The signs are in the weather~~

~~Project Runway anyone~~

~~Omgoshhhh~~

~~I miss my baby~~

~~Good Morning~~

~~No worrying here~~

~~My Prayer to God~~

~~Summer 08 just about over~~

~~Obama or McCain-Who's your choice?~~

~~Home Sweet Home~~