~~Celebrity Rehab, its gonna be a great nite~~

Wow, its Thursday already, this week going by so fast. Was watching "The View", but Obama started talking so I thought I would write for a few minutes. Tonight Celebrity Rehab is on. How anyone ever watched this show? I love it. Some day I would like to find a way to help people with additions, but thats a hard job to take on. People usually don't stop until they're ready to stop. I know way too many who are addicted to something. Anyway, back to the show. You know some of it is acting, because after all most of them are famous for acting, but its still sad, especially Jeff. He can be so funny, and at the same time he makes me so sad. And the model, I forgot her name, she is addicted to xanax and pills like this. I feel her pain. I too, am taking xanax, but I feel as I really need them. If I tried to stop, I would have severe panic and would have to go the hospital. Her mom is on them as well. She says her mom started her on them. Thats sad. I hope my daughter doesn't start thinking pills are a way to live. I try not to take them around her, but sometimes when I'm having a very back panic attack, I have to. I had some anxiety this morning, but feel a little better now, not much, but can relax a little. I want more then anything to be able to go out my door, without having fear. Fear of the unknown is what it is. But usually I know where I'm going( I hope I do, or I better come back in..lol), so I don't know why its so hard to leave this apartment. Anyway, I have Celebrity Rehab to look forward to tonight. Also Grey's is on, love that show too. If I can just make it till tonight. I love nite time, I put on my Jammie's, watch my tv, and feel secure (this is my most secure part of the whole day). 5:00 is the worst part of my day for some reason. I think its because I go down to my moms and see my daughters dad. He makes me nervous, but I feel as if I have to meet him there every day. And my dad is 67, and he wants me to stop by and see him everyday. He gets upset if I don't. My dad gets up and goes out to the garage everyday and drinks his beer, and there is no heat in the garage, but he insists on staying outside all day long. He listens to his radio, drinks his beer, the comes in at night about 8pm. Go figure. He doesn't get drunk though, he spaces his beer out through out the day. Now my daughter's daddy starts drinking when he gets off work at 5:00, drinks about 14 beers in about 3 hours, and passes out, hence, the reason we don't live together or got married, I just wish I could break this cycle, and find a new love ( like the man in the white truck, oh, by the way, I did send a card to him on Tuesday, still wondering if he received it, we'll see, and I'll let you guys know). Ok, I think I talked longer then I planned on talking, so you guys have a great day and God bless you all.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~What will be will be~~

It's raining here..which I love. Its also about 50, so not so cold considering a few days ago it was 20...Weather in Indiana is crazy. Not gonna write much today, because I have a lot on my mind. I did send a Christmas card yesterday to my mystery man. Now I just hope he doesn't decide to drive up...Not sure I am ready for that. I just mainly wanted him to know where I lived now, just because. I like to keep that connection open for whatever life throughs my way, you know. Anyway, I may sign back on after while and write some more, but can't write much at the moment. Not really in a dab mood or anything, not sure whats going on in my mind. I have those days where my mind just wants to rest and not do much of anything. I think my mind is on the guy in the white truck, the mystery man. But not really a mystery man, since I do know him very well, just not lately. I mean, after all, its been 5 years, but feels like yesterday. I know....i do on and on about this person. sorry. Oh, one more thing. The lady and man that lives across the street from me are going through something, but not sure what. I haven't seen her there all week. And last week, she was only there a few hours a day. But he still comes home at the same time everyday. She feeds the squirrels all the time and they're running around looking for food from her. I think they miss her. I would feed them, but feel as if that would be wrong of me. After all, not sure what my neighbors are going through. I hope nothing serious. I hate to see people having problems. God bless you all.

I hope everyone is having a very blessed day. Talk soon.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~It's a Wonderful Llife~~

Hello, and good morning. Just finished my laundry, so glad, I hate doing laundry. I have to load them in my truck and then blah blah...anyway, done with that for the week. Now I am going to try and finish my web site for my web design class. Its the only one I have a chance to pass. Don't know, the final project is due this Friday, and haven't even cared to start it. I know the basics, so just maybe I can pull it off. Then I would have 3 F's and possibly a C. I need to go and talk with my advisor at school, but I can't get up there with this stupid anxiety. I'm hoping I might be able to graduate by transferring some credits from another college I attended in 2003-4. I have 20 credits at this school, but I owe them some money before I can get my transcript. If I do this, it would mean I would have over 75 credits, and hoping my advisor will at least let me graduated as "undecided". They do have associate degree's for people who just don't know what they are majoring in. I pray I can do this. I mean after all, I've been trying to get enough credits gathered up since 2002...omgoshhhh. ...lol. Just give me a degree already, man. Get me the hell out of school. Thats my plan anyways, so I have to make an appointment to talk with my advisor asap.

I was so liking Quicktate. I did it for 2 weeks, then couldn't sign in. So I e-mailed the boss, and she mailed me back saying I had way to many errors. She was nice about it, but omgoshhh. Some of those names I had to try and spell were crazy, and I couldn't hear most of the messages. I do believe she should have gave me a warning instead of just not letting me sign in. Thats not professional to just someone try over and over to sign in, but can't. E-mail the person, tell them they must try harder, then if they still don't understand how to spell all these names ( and some were in Italian, or whatever). I also think they should supply their employee's maybe a list of client customer names, so one can have some idea what the message name may be. Anyway, I'm over it, it still makes me upset, even though I was only making 5 dollars a day for typing none stop for over 5 hours a day. and I was getting headaches for trying to push my brain, trying to understand what half the messages were. So, I guess it could have been a blessing in disguise. I wasn't making much money, plus I was pushing myself hard tor really nothing. I do believe I am worth more then 5 dollars a day. Damn it! So there.

My cat just ran through the apartment and knocked over my feathers I have in a tall basket (really cool feathers I might add). I think she's mad at me because I forgot to get her cat food when i was out. She looked at her bowl, then ran right into the basket. Silly cat. And I do need to change her liter box too. Than could be making her mad..She gets even with me when I don't care of her right. Spoiled. I guess I would be pissed too if my care giver forgot my food. I would probably bit her...lol. I am gonna take care of her asap as well.

Watching "The View" and Elisbeth said Rev. Wright (Obama's Rev), called her a dumb broad. Not professional at all. He should make some kind of "I'm sorry" or something. Oh well, some people are just rude like that. That's one reason why I didn't want to vote for Obama, because I feel that if he did sit in his church for 20, you do hear something, or whats the since in going to that church. You go to church to learn from you pastor. Not for me to judge. I try not to do that.

God bless you guys all, and I did buy a Christmas card for my special friend. I plan on sending it for "the one" will know my new address. Hope this is a good thing and not a bad thing. Will see soon. Bye bye.

Sincerely. Barbara :)

~~My Bad or What~~.

Alright then. Lets try this again...lol..Maybe its trying to tell me something...maybe I'm not better..lol. Ok, Now. On October 24th, it was raining, I saw that amazing white truck drive by, I was getting ready to pack to move, I was sad because school wasn't going well. Ok, lets go from there.
I did move, and you will not believe where I moved too: Omgoshhhhhhh. And what makes this so ironic is that my daughter's dad called about these apartments because I was having to much anxiety that day to call. And what else is crazy, is HE is the one that introduced us(the man in the white truck). Ok, if you don't know what I'm talking about, just read through my blog and you will know what I'm talking about. So, as the story goes on, the apartment I am now living in, is the same exact apartment I lived in when I met this man in the "white truck". Which isn't but about a mile from where I used to live. I was driving around in October and seen where they had several apartments for rent, but the ones I was looking at are further down the street then the one I used to live in. Didn't even think of this one. So, I had my daughters daddy call to see if any were available. He called me and said there's one open at 424o, and the address didn't even click. So, I drove down there, and it was the same exact apartment I live in 5 years ago when I first met "The One". So I went and filled out the application for the apartment, and she told me I could rent it, so I gave my deposit right then and there. I am now living here. It feels like I am finally back home where I belong. I still remember living here and if feels good. I am more relaxed. But, I still remember HIM, coming here, and also we had our very first kiss here, right next to where I am sitting now. This is crazy. I was thinking about maybe sending him another card saying something like "If you would like to know where I moved to, just go to the place where you first kissed me" I don't know, this is really scary. So, what do you guys think? I already know I'm crazy...lol.

Next, I didn't get my deposit back. She hasn't sent nothing. I wrote a 30 day notice, returned my key and a forwarding address, and cleaned and painted, fixed everything, so I don't why she would keep my 550 dollars. I looked up landlord and renters laws for Indiana, and she has 45 days to send me something regarding why she kept my money. If she doesn't send me something on December 15th, I am getting a lawyer. She probably things I'm a dumbass, and don't know the law, so let her go on with her bad self. My bad, I know, but, that place looked so good when I moved out, plus all the crap I went through before I moved like not having hot water for 2 months, and having that bad leak in my bathroom for over 6 months that she was well aware of. Anyway, enough of her. What goes around comes around 10 times fold. She still hasn't rented that apartment out yet, its still in the paper, so, whatever.

I still have not been able to go back to school since October 24th. My anxiety got so bad in October and November, I just could not go back. So, I will be on academic probation, if they don't kick me out for not going. I will receive 4 F's, making my grade point average 0. I was on the Deans List, now I'm on the Dirt List. Have to think about what my next move will be in this game of life. I go up 4 spaces, then back 8 spaces, just like a board game. I just wish once I'd advance to the top like shuts and ladders. You know that ladder that takes one all the why to the top and you usually win...lol..Thats the ladder I want to be on. Even though I failed out this semester, I am still in a good mood today. Maybe its this apartment bringing back all those memories of my mystery man. I think I may go ahead and just send a Christmas card and put my new address on it. He can take if from there. Maybe he will see if as fate, that we made a circle and now its 'our time', but I still like my daughters dad, so it would still not be a circle yet. Life is a mystery, you just never know what each day will bring you. Some days are good and some days are not. Like tomorrow, I may not write, I may not be back again for awhile. Who knows. Who cares. OK,
I had a job at Quicktate for about 2 weeks, but had to many errors, so was let go. I went to sign in, but couldn't. I knew if I e-mailed the boss, I knew what she would write back and say before she even did. She was nice about it, so just letting it go, what else can I do. Can't dwell on it, I have way to many failures to dwell. I also couldn't get my medicine yesterday because they said my insurance was denied for some reason. So yesterday wasn't so good. I cried most of the night, but what can I do. Nothing. Go on and wait for the next opp I guess. Well, I am getting off here. God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Well good morning everyone. I shouldn't be in a good mood considering all the crap I've been through in the past 3 months, but what the hell, I am , so, where to start, where to start...lol.
OK, I'll start where I left off on October 24, then I wrote my last blog.

~~Caution-Seen man in white truck yesterday...lol...~~

Good morning all...Hows everyone this morning? Good I hope. Its raining here and actually that puts me in a better mood...lol..I know, I'm silly. I am going to try and make this a relaxing day. Not worry about school or anything else for that matter. I just hope my doctor will write me a note for school next week because I really need another week off to relax and catch my breath, and get the moving thing over with. Hates moving...for the past 3 years I have moved each year when my lease was up. I hope this new place will bring satisfaction to me. I do think I will try and take all online classes next semester if possible. I think that will be better as one of my blogger friends suggested. Thankyou. That way I can concentrate on finding that perfect work at home job. I really don't know if I can work outside the home right now. Oh well, I'll just take my days one at a time.

Yesterday as me and my daughter were leaving, I seen that white truck drive by and a man inside the truck was smiling and waving at me. It was him....lol..the man I've talked about on here before. I man who left the gift card on my truck on my Birthday. I didn't know if it made me have more anxiety or excitment. Anxiety because I still see my daughter's daddy, or excitement because deep down in my heart I know he is "The One". so I think anyways...omgoshhh. I don't think I need this pressure right now. My daughter knows who he is because she seen the card and so I had to tell her who he was. Yesterday she said "Mom, he just found you again, and now we are moving again"...it was funny, I had to laugh. He works at a golf course and when it rains, he gets off work early. I really hope he doesn't get brave today and decide to just stop on by to see up I've been up to over the past 2 years. That's how long its been since we've talked. Omgosshhhhh, now I am getting more nervous thinking he might stop by. Maybe I should leave or something. Okay, just stop Barbara...catch your breath. Things will be okay. I am going to get some boxes today and start putting things in boxes and fixing up the things I broke while living here. Even though they didn't fix things on there end. I hope my landlord isn't pissed that I am moving. I did give them my 30 day notice so hopefully I will get my $550 dollar deposit back. I could use it considering I just paid $400 dollar deposit at my new place. I wish I could just stay in one place for a while and not move again for at least 3 years.....lol. Anyway, I need to get off here and do some things. God bless you all and have a great day.

~~Hi to my friends~~

Hello people. Sorry I've been missing in action for so long. Just trying to figure out what our purpose is and just didn't really care about writing or anything. I am still going to school, but this week and next I am taking off..because I need a much needed break. Well, I had a doctors appointment today, but the nurse called me this morning and told me my doctor called in sick, so I can't go until Monday. I have to have my doctor write me a get out of school pass like we used to have in school when I was little, so I can hopefully make up all my missed school work. I just could not go this week or next. I really feel frustration about trying to finish school and want it to be done already. The past 2 weeks my anxiety has been so bad I feel like I can't breath. Plus I am moving at the end of this month. I could not find a place to move to which brought much anxiety, and I knew I didn't want to stay where I am due to things breaking and not getting fixed. Speaking of not getting fixed, my hot water is still not fixed, so now you know why it is a must that I get out of this apartment. Well, I found one, but it will not be ready until Nov. 7, so I will have to stay at a motel or a my daughters dads apartment. Omgoshhh. That sounds really scary, so I know I can't stay with him. I will worry about that next Friday, moving day.

I still can't find a work at home job. NTI would not give me the job because I had to have a technical degree in computers for the job I applied for. So all summer long I waited on this job, and never got it. Thank God I gave up on making money blogging, or I would not be writing right now. I have been visiting WAHM since March and the only job I got (and I applied for everyone that came up) was a job with Weegy, which is only .60 a day. With this anxiety problem I'm not sure what to do. I am tired of school, but continue; why? I don't know. I can't be around people without feeling like I am going to pass out. I guess it passes the time and I look like I am pursuing something. But school is making my anxiety worse right now. I get sick the night before I go to school and all day long while I am there. Not an answer for this problem. I have to deal with it because society doesn't see this as a true illness. Thats been my own experience anyways. Well, I will talk again soon, maybe, and thanks to everyone who visited my blog site while I was away. I will return the favor as soon as I feel better, maybe today, or next week. God bless you all.

Sincerely, Barbara