Saturday, August 30, 2008

~~Hurricane Gustav is getting closer~~

Hurricane Gustav is going strong heading to New Orleans. They are saying around Monday morning it should make land fall. I've been watching most of the week, and its winds are now at 125 mph. Wow. Then there is hurricane Hanna not far behind. The last week in August and the first week in Sept. seem to be not good weeks for this country. And wouldn't you know it, my birthday is Sept. 8, right in the middle. On Sept. 11 was the terrorists attack, and August 29th was hurricane Katrina. Now we are heading into two hurricanes this week. Omgoshh..

I wish I had a good boyfriend, you know, the ones that take care of you. There is one man that I feel is "the one" and his birthday is on Sept. 12, so every birthday I have, I really start thinking about him. I was so in love with him about 4 years ago. I always think on my birthday, he will knock at my door and surprise me. What a dreamer I am. I know where he lives, but I move so much, I doubt he even knows where I live. If he really loved me, he would find me. So I guess he has forgotten about me, even thought he told me I was "the one" for him too. Maybe this will be the year. But then, what would I do with my daughter's dad. I do see him every night for about an hour, but there's really not much to our relationship. Just don't know if I could break away from him though. But for Les(the one) maybe I could. I am so silly when it comes to this situation. I dream about the day he knocks at my door, but then on the other hand, afraid if he ever does, I wouldn't go through with it. I am so fickle.

Well, I think I am going to give the computer to my daughter, and maybe do some homework. I want to keep up with my school work, have to pass every class. You guys be safe if you live around the Gulf, and God bless.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Friday, August 29, 2008

~~McCain Picks Palin as running mate~~

My water is not getting hot. Does this mean I blew a fuse, or do you think its something else? I hate to call my landlord about something that I can fix myself. I guess I could call my daughters daddy. He'll just say 'Call your landlord" . I don't feel like having maint. men in my apartment today..makes me nervous. Anyway, on to something else. Was going to do some Math today, but changed my mind, oh my. I better get my butt in gear with that class if I want to pass math and graduate. I decided to stick with the class I am lost in, because how else am I going to learn if I keep dropping them. So, I will just do lots of reading and learn lots this semester. I am not going back next year, this is it.

"Big Brother" was pretty awesome last night. There was a double eviction and Michelle and Ollie went home. Not sure if I'm happy with that, but at least Renny and Jerry are still in the running, in which I am for. Really, Jerry is the one I want to win. Go Jerry.

John McCain picked Sarah Palin out of Alaska as his Vice President running mate. I think he made a good choice. She is 44, and a governor in Alaska..interesting. Glad to see a woman is having a chance to win the White House. If I do vote, it will be for McCain. Saying IF.

Hurricane Gustav is suppose to be heading to the Gulf by Monday morning. People around that area are getting ready. I pray that its not another Katrina. Then right behind it is another one named "Hanna", oh my gosh. Well, have to go, God bless you all, and have a great weekend. Be safe.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

~~School Sucks~~

Omgoshhhh!! I just had a day in hell. First me and my daughter got into a screaming match this morning before she went to school. She wanted to go a half hour early and I said no, so she starts yelling at me and finally I said "You know what, go get your books and come on, get in the truck." I was soooo upset. Then I had to come back home and get ready for my first day in my new class, which is "Electronic Illustrator" and let me tell you. Right from the get go, I was lost. Everyone went from layer to layer, and was putting colors on and the whole nine yards..and the instructor kept saying "Am I going to fast", omgoshhh, I couldn't even get the first screen to come up in illustrator. When everyone took a break I went up to the instructor and said "I don't think I'm in the right class because I'm not getting any of this". He said I would, and we would mainly be working by ourselves. I moved to the back of the class, turned on another computer, and just listened to what he was saying. It was hell. I have to have this class, so I can't drop it. Plus, I need to know how to do my graphics for web design, but my gosh, how did everyone else get so advanced. They've been taking the same classes as me. I went up to a friend and asked her how she knew so much and she said, "Oh, I have illustrator on my computer at home"..seems almost everyone in class has it but me. They bought it at the bookstore for $400..omgoshhhhh...I don't have $400 dollars. I came home and got me a Diet Pepsi Max, took a xanax, and started watching the news to see where the new hurricane is headed. Then I turned on my computer, but I'm not liking my computer at the moment because I just spent 4 hours in class trying to figure out illustrator. I went to class registration and was looking for something to replace that class with but can't find any. Man, I don't know if I can do it or not. My class yesterday was OK. She let us go after an hour; mainly just told us what we would be doing this semester. Now my anxiety is really high. What if I can't do this class?

I thought my Aunt Peggy's funeral was on Saturday, but its on Friday. I was going to relax tomorrow after all these hell classes I had this week, but I have to go to my Aunt's funeral. I think I am going to be sick. I love my Aunt, and don't want to go. I may not because I feel as if I am having a mental break down at the moment. Maybe after watching "Big Brother tonight I will feel better. What a sad little life I have. Excitement=Big Brother..omgosh. Sad, Sad.

Well, I have been trying to get opp's on ppp, but haven't gotten any yet. Guess I'm not fast enough, I don't know. NTI hasn't contacted me because my VR counselor hasn't okay'ed me yet. WTF. The government sure does believe in taking their sweet time. Stop venting Barbara, its not good for you. I think I will call her as soon as I get through writing this. Okay, I am signing off. God bless you all and excuse my cursing(at least it was just letters and not the actual words..).

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

~~Big Brother update~~

"Big Brother" was interesting last night. Dan the man is trying to play the game hard, and in the mean time pissin everyone off while doing it. I believe he made a few enemies last night. Dan better play his cards right or he will be going up on the chopping block. I also think Thursday night is a double eviction, in which the house guests have no idea yet. Won't they be surprised when Julie Chun announces this on Thursday. I told you guys, I am addicted to this show. That tells you how exciting my life I am replacing it with men for the time being. Speaking of men, I do miss them. I would give up "Big Brother" for love right now, so I am contradicting myself a little. That's OK, its my blog, I'm allowed to say what I feel. I miss that loving feeling; isn't there a song with those words?

I just got home from my Graphic Media class. It wasn't too bad. I thought we would have to stand up and introduce ourselves, but the instructor didn't, Thank God. She explained what we will be doing this semester, and let us go. I love art so much, it was my favorite subject in high school and as long as I can remember. In high school I won awards for drawings and sculpture art pieces, but never took it any further. My main goal after high school was getting married to my high school sweetheart. Which ended up in divorce after 7 years, oh well. I gave my marriage my all(well if I gave it my all, I would probably still be married, but since he was abusive, I couldn't stick it out). Sometimes I think back and when I was married at least I didn't have to worry about money. I ask myself this question all the time. Would I have been happier being slapped in the face every now and then, or not having money to pay my bills and buy my daughter everything she wants? My ex-husband makes a lot of money. BUT, I don't think I could have done it for much longer, so this was the right choice. We did have an awesome son named Bobby together, so something good did come out of it. Never married my daughter's daddy because he is abusive as well. How did I get from school, to these crazy men? I don't know, I just type whatever is on my mind.

My Aunt Peggy died on Monday night, so her funeral is on Saturday. I went to my dad's house yesterday, and hes really upset. I feel badly. Her husband just got out of the hospital, so hes not doing to good himself. I hate funerals so much; this is really raising my anxiety level this week with school. Still haven't heard from NTI. Maybe I should give them a call, its been a week. Still waiting on Quicktate, or iDictate. (On waiting list still). Well, I need to get off here, and mess with my toolbar for ppp. Still need to do this which I should have done by now.
God bless and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

~~5 Deaths this year, how sad~~

OKay, Last September 5th my aunt died, and we went to her funeral on my Birthday on Sept. 8th. Then 2 months later her son died, then a few weeks later his wife died. Then in July a really close friend died, now today my mom calls me to tell me that my Aunt Peggy died last night. This is awful. I am numb, and this has not been a good year. I know my daddy is sitting down home sick to his stomach. My daddy is 67, and has severe anxiety just like me. I guess I get it from him. I hate to go down home tonight. DEATH!! What makes me even more nervous is my daddy. He drinks beer everyday and he has his whole life, except when he was in the military, in which he probably did, but not as much. He drinks about 15 beers a day. I am so worried about him, and now he is upset about my Aunt, because that is his brother's wife. My Aunt and Uncle were like the perfect couple. They went every where together. She was in her 70's, and so is my uncle, but they acted like teenagers in love.

I just wanted to give my Aunt a farewell "Love you Lots" goodbye. You guys have a great day! God bless

Sincerely. Barbara :(

~~Problems with Entrecard~~

Entrecard keeps saying "Get One", even after I checked my cookies and did all the necessary tasks to allow it. Does anyone know what I may be doing wrong??

Hi everyone, How is everyone today? Good I hope. I am trying to fix my blog and add PPP, and entrecard, but I think my computer is acting up because I can't get either one to work so far. I think I may have to go back through the whole blog thread and reread. I did the tutorial for PPP, and still can't get it. Maybe its my mind..kind of in another world today. I went to my Math class last night, and it wasn't to bad, but of course, I just took notes. The hard part comes when I do the homework, and I went into my class and there was a woman sitting there, and I thought, "I know her from some where." Then when the instructor did the roll call I knew who she was. Shes a woman I worked with at a job for 8 years, but its been a while since I'd seen her, and didn't want to walk up to a stranger and be a fool. So at break, she came up to me and said "Barbara, is that you?" She was waiting on the roll call also. So, now a good friend is in my class..that makes it a little easier. Omgoshhh...right now I am torn between gas for my car, and getting a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi Max. Oh course I will pick the gas, not really a choice there, but it sure hurts to not get my Pepsi..

Anyway, on Wed and Thur I have my Graphic classes which are fun, so I hope. One of my teachers is hard; very, very professional, which is Okay, but we always have lots of projects due, I mean design projects, so these are not so easy to finish in a weeks time. Lets just hope she goes easy. And in design classes, we always have to give presentations.YUCK. I can't do these, and have only done maybe 3 since I started school, because of my anxiety problem. But, it does help when they make me do it. Gives me more self confidence. I am still thinking about this stupid entrecard deal. I hate when something doesn't work. Now I need to wash clothes, and clean house. And still waiting on my online class to appear. It was suppose to be open yesterday, but when I logged on, it wouldn't show up; go figure, nothing else is Maybe it is this silly computer. I don't know, my Internet is working OK. Well, got to go. You guys have a blessed day. Oh yeah...TONIGHT IS 'BIG BROTHER' NIGHT..update tomorrow!

Sincerely. Barbara :)

Monday, August 25, 2008

~~Yes, I can do this, Yes, I can do this~~

School starts today for me, well not until this evening, but still a little nervous. I have 4 classes this semester: 1 online class which is Web Design, and 3 in a class room. I have Algebra(yuck, which is tonight from 6 to 9pm), and I have Electronic Illustration, and also Graphic Media, so I am going to be busy and anxious this week. Even though I don't go to class until tonight, my nerves are going crazy. I did jump up out of bed quick with lots of anxiety and had to come in and sit on my sofa to catch my breath before getting my daughter up for school. Took her to school, now catching up with some online stuff before going to my closet in search of the perfect first day outfit. That's always awful for me. I usually end up trying on everything in my closet before deciding what to wear...that's an anxiety attack waiting to happen in itself. Think positive Barbara, this is your last year and then you'll have that degree(well, it I pass Algebra...grrrrr). Oh yeah, I need to call my doctor and get my script filled. Can't go to school without my medicine.

I got accepted for PayPerPost, but still have not downloaded my toolbar, I've been to nervous this weekend to even work on it. Since I don't have a class tomorrow, I think I will spend the day working on my blog, and maybe trying to take that test for ChaCha. They sent me another e-mail to be an expediter, since I failed the guide role. Some many things to do, and such little time. I bet NTI will call me back this week also and set a second interview ans ask me which job I am interested in. How am I going to do all this plus be a good mommy. Omgoshhh..First I have nothing on my plate, now its Anyway, I am not complaining. I can handle just about anything, because I have been through everything. I will just have my daily anxiety attacks, and make the best of it. My cute little kitty is sleeping on the floor next to me, looking so peaceful. Sometimes I wish I was a cat. No worries, just lay around and eat and sleep. Being my luck though, I would be one of those cats that have to go look in dumpsters for their food, and find an abusive mean man to care for me. Just my luck.

Last night I watched "Big Brother", and Memphis and Jerry went up for eviction. I don't know who's going to be sent packing, they do that on Thursday night..I arranged my class schedule around Big Brother..silly me. Can't help it, I am addicted to that show about as much as I am my Diet Pepsi Max, speaking of which, I only have 2 cans left, and broke, so I have to start school without my Pepsi fix tonight. Well, I do have 2, which will do me until this afternoon. Man, got to do something about that problem today. And I did ask my mom to help me with my electric bill, and she is, bless her heart. Thank you mommy. Yeah, I better go pay that today as well, before I go to school. I guess I've chatted long enough. I will let everyone know tomorrow how my school night went. God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Friday, August 22, 2008

~~Big Brother update and More~~

Well, I finally got accepted for PPP, now I just have to figure out how to download the toolbar. Nothing is easy for me. I get good news, then some bad news. Well, its not really news I have known about for a while now, but decided to put it out of my mind this week.
So last week I had to borrow 160$ from my mom for cable, phone and Internet. On August 27th my electric is due to be disconnected. (I did pass my test with NTI, but I have to wait on my 2nd interview before job starts, and my student loans are still like 4weeks away). So, I decided to call the Trustees office or a church around here for some kind of assistance just until I can pay this bill. I did not want to have to ask my mom again because I hate doing that. I would rather do anything then ask her. So I decided on the Trustees office and a a church around here. BIG MISTAKE!!! The Trustees office drilled me like nothing I've ever been through in my life, well next to last summer when I went to court to try and receive disability in which I didn't get. Since I have a phone, Internet and cable, they can't help me, and since I am a student, they can't assist me with anything. AND, the 2 churches were the same way. I always thought churches were suppose to be there for you in a time of need. Not these two. The lady I talked to said I would have to fill like 10 forms, and show proof of how I pay for gas for my truck, and insurance. She said "Well don't you think you should have paid your electric before borrowing money to pay for cable, phone and Internet." I told her, "Well, I guess I could have and me and my daughter can go sit in the yard and watch trees grow for entrainment, instead watching TV." And I said I need my phone and Internet for the jobs I am looking for and going to do online. I would have borrowed the money for the electric bill, but it wasn't in disconnect mode yet, and the other bills were. I felt so humiliated and dirty. I told her to just forget it, I would rather go ask my mom then be put through all this. She brought my anxiety level to a level that just about made me pass out. I was sweating and crying by the time I got off the phone. Pure hell, and I told her I will never call again for any kind of assistance from the government. Now, I have to ask my mom again. I wish my life would just take a turn for the better, and I get that job, and my blog does good, and I get iDictate, and get my student loans, all at once. One of these days when I feel stronger I am going to do something about how the system treats people who try and get assistance. I know there are people out there who abuse it, but heck, I am trying so hard to better myself. I even said I would sign over my truck until I paid them back...she just laughed(while I was crying inside). She said, "Oh things will get better" and I felt like saying "That's easy for you to say, you're sitting in your office with a nice job not getting ready to have electric disconnected, but I just shut up and told her to have a great day and hung up the phone. Oh well.

I was going to go to the bookstore today, but after my conversation with her, I lost my courage to go out the door. I lay ed down for a while, and got back up. My daughter's daddy called me and asked what was wrong and I told him. He told me "It will be paid, don't worry about it, I will take care of it." I know I am talking a lot about this problem, but I'm tired of something happening every day.

Last night was "Big Brother" night, and April was the one sent packing. She was sort of a you know what, so I didn't mind her going home. Check that show out sometimes, its pretty interesting. Next week their is a double eviction, and I can't wait. Scared to see who will go. i think I want Jerry to win because he is 75 years old, and I think since he served in the Military, (I have lots of passion for the Military), that he should win. He has had a long life, and deserves to see a big reward from God especially for him. Go Jerry, Go Jerry!!
It's raining here, but thank God we are not getting what Florida is getting this week. We had our flood in June, and I hope it doesn't come back here. I pray that all Florida people are okay.
Well, I need to get off here and do some things before I pick my daughter up from school. You all have a wonderful weekend, and God bless you all.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

~~Google again~~

Okay. I just googled a few of the sites I have on my blog site and everyone else is there also. Does anyone know how Google goes about ranking blog sites, or does that even matter? Oh well, I felt special for a least we know someone is reading our stuff..This time I'm really done am so silly sometimes. So help me, if that phone rings one more...God bless people's..

Sincerely. Barbara :)


Googled the title of my blog on Google search just to see if it would appear anywhere in the first 10 pages,, and WOW, it was number 3 on the first page, out of 683,000 pages. How the heck did that happen? Try typing in your blog titles and see just where yours is located on Google. It surprised me. Maybe today would be a good day to submit it for PPP....Just a thought, in which I have so many. Oh, and my phone keeps ringing...that man will not quit calling me this morning. I don't feel like talking to him, but I don't want to lie to him when he does write or whatever and say I wasn't home. What do I say to him. Afraid to ignore him.

Well, I just wanted to see if you guys would Google your titles and see what comes up. I think being #3 on page 1 out of 683,000 is pretty awesome. God bless

Sincerely. Barbara :)

~~Pass and Past~~

Good morning everyone. I just got my e-mail saying I passed my NTI tests.Yahhh!! Party time,, lets get out the cake and ice cream. Speaking of food, I'm getting have ate something before I started writing because I can write forever. No, I think I will make this a fast one. Well, I do have something to talk about, so hold on, be patient with me.

About 3 years ago I started talking to this guy online. I think I've mentioned him before on here. The guy that moved here from Delaware. Maybe I haven't mentioned him. (not the stalker dude). Anyway, this guy likes me, and he has now for 3 years. He moved here after we met, but on his own doings. When I met him, I knew he was NOT "the one", and told him so before he moved here from Delaware. He moved here anyway. Well, he is now living in IL, going to school there, I guess. I asked him not to call me, but he still does. Like, this morning after I took my daughter to school, he called me about 4 times, but I did not answer. I am afraid of men, since I've been through about all a woman can go through with men. From cheating, to divorce, to rape, to stalking, to name it, and I've had it happen to me. So I don't know what to tell this guy. As far as I know, he doesn't know where I live. A long time ago I told him I loved black trucks (its just something I have always liked), and so he wrote me an e-mail saying he took his student loan money and bought a black truck last week. Why would he do that? Did he want a black truck, or did he do it to impress me? I don't know, and I really don't care. I pray for him, and hope he does well in school, but as far as me and him ever being together, its not happening, EVER. I don't think he believes this. Men can't take no for an answer. Rejection is not in their vocabulary. I don't like rejection either, but if someone tells me they're not into me, then I don't push the envelope and stalk them. Oh, I said I wasn't going to talk long, I'm supposedly Just needed to vent about this person in my life at the moment that I'm not sure about. He also asked me what my plans were on my birthday (Sept. 8). I told him I didn't know. So help me, if he shows up anywhere around my house in that black truck. I did through a curve his way, and I hope he believes me. I said I was thinking about moving back in with my daughter's dad. (In which I'm not, even though it was not a lie, because I said I was having a financial hardship, which is the truth). I have too much other things going on right now to worry about this man. Well, I am signing off for now. God bless you all and have a wonderful day.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

~~Must I Leave Today~~

Good morning all~~Well, I get another chance to take my NTI test. I am going to the library to retake it as I am afraid to take it on this computer. I hope I pass, so hopefully I can start working real soon. Need to get my butt off of here and go to Ivy Tech as well, my college of choice, which I might add is a great school for moms. Have to visit the book store and get those books. The book stores at colleges make a lot of money selling those books. My Math book costs 130 dollars, and I have 3 other classes as well. Thank God for Financial Aid. BUT, not when one graduates..Most of the money has to be paid back and that can take years. I just hope this degree I'm working on pays off in the long run. To me it sounds like a catch 22. So far I have taken out $14,000 on school loans. By the time I am finished, I will owe back almost $20,000. The higher ups insist getting a degree is essential in getting a good paying job, but I do know people who make good money with barely high school under their belt, with no debt. So, with my degree the first thing I will set out to do is pay off student loans, Oh My! Anyways, I do not feel any regrets for going back to school. Before I started, my grammar was not so good. My communication skills really sucked. It is helping me with my anxiety problem. It helps me more now in situations with people. Not a lot, but more then before. I still have way too many days when I don't want to leave my apartment. Like right now..I have to go to the library to take that test...and I can't get out the door. I will get dressed, and pace trying to get out the door. I check all electrical outlets, the stove, look in the mirror a million times looking for flaws. It's awful some days. My Diet Pepsi Max is so good. I can't stress it enough, you must try Diet Pepsi Max. You will love it and I'm not getting paid to say this, as I am still in the beginners stage of blogging. But I tell all my friends to try it , so why not tell you guys.
Have to get off here, because I could write all day, as you can tell by now. My blogs are all so long, I bet if I cut them in half, more people would read them all the way through. Can't help myself. Okay, I am signing off. You guys have a wonderful day and God bless.
Sincerely, Barbara ~~

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

~~Tested to the Limit~~ computer froze up while taking my tests for I don't know what to do...I did e-mail them and let them know about the problem, but I am so scared I screwed this up big time..I need this job sooo much. I just needed to come here and vent. Waiting on a reply from them..Please God let them let me retake this test, I know I can do it. I will keep you people updated on my sorry life situations that seem to happen every single day of my life..If its not one thing its another...Heck, I couldn't even pass the ChaCha test..If they don't give me another chance I am going to cry for weeks, because I have been waiting all summer for this work at home job. Please pray for me, please. God bless you all.
Sincerely. Barbara :(


Good morning everyone, I just took my daughter to school. Now waiting for my interview with NTI. A little nervous, but it will be over with in no time. Having my diet Pepsi max, love them so much. My kitty cat is sleeping in her rocking chair and just finished watching "Mad About You"..They seem to have the best relationship ever. Are there really men who treat their women with respect the way he treats Jamie? I couldn't tell you because I've never been in one myself. Mine have all been abusive, in exception for one man in which I wrote about before.."The One"..but I haven't seen him in like forever, so I guess it wasn't meant to be. It still my be, but when, I don't know. For now, I'll continue to talk to my daughter's daddy, because he is my only friend.
My daughter had 45 dollars for new school shoes. She wanted my mom to take her to the mall. So my mom did yesterday. When they pulled up, she didn't have her new shoes..and I asked her why, and she said she didn't have enough money on her. I think my mom could have given her a few extra dollars to get the ones she wanted, but she didn't..I'm not going to dish on my mom so I will shut up now. When I get one of these jobs, I will take care of it myself. I hate depending on someone to buy me or my daughter anything. One of these of these days..Well, I need to do some computer practice before I have my interview this morning because there is a computer test right after the interview..I feel as if I may freeze up while taking the test..I'm not a good test taker. Wish me luck. Have a wonderful day, and God bless.
Sincerely. Barbara :)

Monday, August 18, 2008

~~One more thing~~

Hey everyone, Just wanted to add something else. Some days I type really fast and push publish post before editing..It comes with my anxiety problem I have. I get overly anxious and type to fast and forget. So, if you come to a blog I've written, and think, she can't spell, or whatever mistake you find on here, please forgive me. Working on fixing this problem. Once I tried to go in and edit a blog, and lost it some how. I deleted the whole thing some how, so now I just leave it. Silly me...let me try this again...good night everyone, and God bless.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~School days are here again~~

Good evening all, tomorrow is school....YES!! Been waiting on this night for a while. Love my baby girl, but mommy needs a break. About half way through the day I will start to miss her lots. After all, she is about the only person I talk to during my days, besides my cat. Yeah, I talk to my cat, Tigre. She sleeps with my Nikki, my daughter, and I'll go in her room at night and see my girls sleeping, and they look so peaceful. But when they wake up, omgoshh, its on. She trained our cat to act like her. This is daughter has always liked to rip paper up into little pieces, and through them up in the air like snow, (she even does this now that she's 14, not so funny now), but anyways, she has trained our cat to rip up paper with her teeth. We crinkle a sheet of paper and through it at Tigre, and she grabs it in her teeth, and sits there ripping it up into little pieces..She is so cute when she does that. And she looks up at us like" look at me, ain't I cute"...Love my girls.
Watching the news and "Fay" is heading to Florida; lets just hope it stays a tropical storm and not a hurricane. Well, I need to close out of here, and try and get ready for bed. I was suppose to have my NTI interview today, but changed it until tomorrow, so now I have a long interview tomorrow and wish I did it today..oh well. Plus a few other work at home places have sent me, it has been a good week for opportunities..ChaCha has a different position available, iDictate sent me an e-mail to be on their waiting list, and my blog is almost ready..still need to do some things to my blog that I keep putting off. I will finish the last minute details tomorrow after my interview with NTI...Busy bee I am..And school starts next week for me..full time. Going to be busy, so I hope I can keep this blog going.
Good night all and God bless you all.
Sincerely. Barbara :)

Sunday, August 17, 2008

~~Obama-McCain-Grand Canyan-Big Brother-Russia-Oh my~~

Hi, I'm a little late in writing tonight, its seems to get later and later when I can write. I haven't felt to good lately. Just another day with anxiety. Right now I am watching the news, in which I do a lot. Something is happening in the Grand Canyon. A levy has broke and lots of people are in danger. Not sure on all the details yet, as I just turned it to the news. Also, CNN is talking about the forum that took place last night with both Obama, and McCain. Rick Warren, a Pastor, was in charge of the forum and each of the men got a chance to answer their views on each subject, from religion, to education, to overseas. It was pretty interesting. I've never really been interested in politics, but lately i have been. Not sure why. Maybe its because I am getting older, because I never used to care about news around the world, now I do. Also, we have to keep an eye on hurricane Fay, (well, right now it is considered a tropical storm, which may be upgraded to a hurricane). Fay is suppose to hit Florida on Tuesday morning. I've been watching this all day, and it seems to be turning west from the Keys in Florida. Lets not forget about Russia invading Georgia overseas, oh my!
Tonight was Big Brother night, and Reeny put up Jerry and April. Poor Jerry, I thought he was going to cry. Hes sweet. April, I don't know about her. I love this show. I have been watching Big Brother for the past 10 years. I can't believe its been that long. Time sure does go by fast. They also had a food competition and had to eat bugs..yuck.
Well, tomorrow is my interview with NTI, and I am so nervous. The lady called me on Friday and set a time for Monday at 10 am. The interview last for 1 hour and 1/2. What could they possibly have to say that lasts that long. Omgoshh... I need to keep my daughter quiet for that long. That will be a job in its self. I think that's why I've been sick over the week end. I also still need to get my blog ready for PPP. Not up to that task yet either. Still have lots to work on first. I've had great advice from follow blogger's which are listed on my page if you'd like to check them out. They have helped me out tremendously. Check them out as you visit my blog spot, lots of good reading there. I am out of here for now. God bless you all, and have a great day tomorrow. Pray that I do well on my job interview.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Wow, another long day. I kind of been cranky today for some reason. I think its because I have lots to do next week, and feeling some pressure. I also have been meaning to do some channges to my blog, but have had too much anxiety to mess with it. Plus, my daughter willl not give me my computer and I don't know how to handle this problem with her. She gets on the computer and when I try to take it from her, she puts up a fight,and in my state of mind, I just give in, and say the heck with it, keep it. She was on it for 7 hours today, and to tell you the truth I will be so glad when Tuesday comes because she will be back in school. I love my daughter dearly, but she can be so mean and nasty to me at times. It hurts me to think that I would give her the world, and she acts like I don'e exist. I am lonely and want to be in a relationship. I feel has if waiting on my daughters daddy is a big waste of time. I feel as if time is slipping away from me, and before you know it, I will be too old to even try and find someone to love and marry. Why do I keep waiting o him? Now hes getting an apartment, and i feel like he is pushing me aside. I need to go on with my life, but I don't know how.

Friday, August 15, 2008

~~Getting a little personal~~

Hello people's...Hope everyone is having a great day so far. Just getting ready to clean house and head down to my moms house, like I do everyday. I don't know how many of you watch "Big Brother", but I am totally addicted to it. Last night Libra was sent packing her bags. In a way I liked her, because she was playing the game good, but I also didn't like the way she made comments about the older people on the show. That kind of put her out of the game in my eyes. There is a woman on there, Reeny, who is 54, and then Jerry, who is 75. During one of the competitions, she said they should put one of each(the older players) on each team to even out the odds. Meaning the older people was the reason her team kept losing. I held that against her, now shes out. Hold on, I need to go and get me a diet Pepsi max from the frig...
OK, I'm back, I love Pepsi max. Its diet, but taste sweet..I know I drink way too much Pepsi but can't help it. I have an addictive personality. If I'm not addicted to one thing, then its another. Not meaning anything bad, mainly foods, or diet drinks. I do take my xanax for my anxiety, and I believe I can't live without it. When I am having anxiety, I have to take one, but it usually doesn't help me until about 15 minutes after having panic, but then I feel better, so if that makes me addicted, then so be it.
Last summer I went to court because I was trying to receive disability, after not being able to work for such a long time. I got a denial letter within 3 months of going to court saying reasons why I was denied. One of the reasons was me taking my medicine(xanax), and the fact that I was trying to go to school. Also, because I can take care of myself and my daughter without outside assistance. Oh, and that I can drive. So, unless your a completely helpless, one can't receive disability for anxiety. They don't care if you only have panic while your in public..dah..thats when people who have panic attacks usually have them. I am OK at home most of the time, and can do everything that needs to be done. The judge was looking at me like I was an idiot or something. I never felt so much like a low life then I did when I went to court that day. Everyone said, or re-apply, heck no to that. They can keep there money. I will find work if its the last thing I do on this earth. Well, going to clean, that always relaxes me, and right now, after talking about the court issue, and all that, I am feeling a little sick. I hate that I have to suffer with anxiety. It will not go away. One of the reasons me and all my past relationships didn't work in the past is because I could not go into places with them. I can't eat in any place, and its hard to go to public places no matter how hard I try. They didn't believe I don't have control over this situation. Once when I was married, my then husband threw his food at me because we had to take our fast food to the park and eat it, because I could not go in. When we got to the park, they had forgot to put his fork in the bag, and he already had a bad temper, but that day, he completely went off on me. So, life has been really hard for me trying to deal with anything and everyone. God bless you all, and have a great day.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Thursday, August 14, 2008

~~The signs are in the weather~~

Good day all. Feeling OK today. Just killing some time before I go pick my daughter up from her school orientation. Watching CNN, like I always do, because I like to keep up with world news. Russia is still invading Georgia, which is not a good sign. US is trying to get them to pull out..I tell you all, this world is not right. Things are happening way too fast in this world, and I think something is up. Not trying to preach, just know what the Bible says. Things are coming true, and we should all be prepared. Everyone gets prepared in their own way, and you know what your own truth is. Mine happens to be the Bible. Yours may be another religion.
In March I experience my first earthquake. I live in Indiana, so this is not common. I woke up around 5:30, and was laying there waiting on my alarm to go off, and about 5:37, my whole apartment started shaking, which went on for about 20 daughter started hollering at me saying "mom, my room is moving'. I went and looked outside; I actually thought I would see the world splitting(not really, but did expect to see something going on out there), and I listened to radio, and yes, they said, "yes you guys, that was an earthquake" It was a 5.4, which still amazes us all around here, since we have never felt one. There were many after shocks that day as well. I was sitting at my computer at 11:30, and my whole body moved, my computer moved, it scared me to death...i was shaking. They said on the radio as well, "Yeah people, we just had another one' . Wow, that was a crazy day. Then on 06/07/08, we had the worst flood anyone around here has ever seen. It rained all night long, close to 9" of rain in one night. They had to remove people from there homes in boats. People's homes are still runt to this day. They were homeless for weeks on end in June. So, yes, this has been a year to remember around here in Terre Haute Indiana.
I say be prepared for the worse. You never know what will happen in a blink of an eye.
God bless you all, and have a wonderful day.
Sincerely, Barbara

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

~~Project Runway anyone~~

Hi all, I just finished watching Project Runway, and Kelli went home. I really liked her. I thought her styles were really fashionable. I think they made a mistake tonight. Anyway, love this show, if you never watch, i would. Tomorrow is my daughter's orientation for high school. She is really excited about going. But she better get to bed, she has to be there at 8am. So it will be an early morning for us. Then she goes back next week on Tuesday for her first day. I need a break, so sort of happy. Then I go back the following week. I still haven't went school shopping yet. On my list of things to do.
I finally asked my dad today if I could borrow some money to pay a couple of my bills. My mom didn't look to happy, but she knows I will pay her back in a few weeks. I feel a little better about not worrying about my phone and cable tonight. I am getting a headache, not sure why. I think its because I spend too much time online looking for a job. It's really starting to stress me out. I am looking outside the home for work now, since school is starting back up. I do wish one of work at home places would call, but I am starting to think working at home is just a myth for me. It seems to work for everyone else, but nothing is appearing for me. I do have an interview at MAB Paints here in my home town next Tuesday. They pay really good, but I would have long hours away from my daughter, and it would interfere with my classes, but I don't know what else to do. Survival is all that matters at this point. Must provide for my daughter, and if I have to go outside the home, then I guess that is what God wants me to do. Life is so confusing. One day you know something about something and the next day you know nothing. Really sucks sometimes. But have to keep rolling with the wind. At least fall is almost fall time. It is the most relaxing time of the year and the most calmest for me. Well, I need to get ready for bed. I am getting up a 6am, so I can make sure my daughter gets to school on time..I have to get her off the phone too. Shes in there making lots of noise. She has ADHD, and is overly active tonight. God bless you all and have a blessed night, SWEET DREAMS
Sincerely, Barbara

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


Hello all..Well, my baby made it home safely last night around 10:30. I was so glad to see her. She got a major sun burn, so she's in pain. I am sitting her contemplating calling my mother regarding my late bills. Man, why do I have to go through this every day. I just told myself, "Barbara, your not going to worry about this can call her on Thursday" since I have until Friday, but my mind keeps going there. I filled out a form for another job on wahm's again last night; this one is for iDictate. It sounds pretty interesting. We'll see. Oh yeah, I also sent in an application for a crossing guard too, but if I get that job, I would work when school gets out because I would have to cross children, so I don't know about that. Plus, I would rather have the work at home job. But, I am desperate, so if they call, I can't say I wouldn't take it. I don't know what I am doing in this life. I have all these thoughts going on in my mind, but I can't get a single one to appear. Omgoshhh...It's driving me crazy.
My daughter's daddy is getting an apartment this weekend, which is a good thing, but now he will not be able to help me out at all. How hes going to do it, is beyond me, because he needs to quit drinking. Drinking takes most of his money. I will pray that he can because he was really happy last night about getting his apartment. I didn't show my disappointment for my own needs. I let him have his happiness. I try and keep my feelings silent so no one can see the truth in how I really feel. I put on my happy face and smile, even when I am having my anxiety. I just go to my truck and sit for a few minutes..but they know when I go to my truck I am having some panic, and they leave me alone for the time being.
Ok, people please pray for me that I can find the courage to call my mom and ask her if I can borrow some money to pay a few bills. She knows I will pay her back when I get my student loan, but since my sister gets money off her every week, it hurts when I have to ask for help also. I am scared to ask...omgoshhh, why do I feel this way. I think deep down inside of me, I didn't get the attention I should have when I was a child or something. I also read heard something the other day that amazed me. I heard that if your born "breech" you may suffer from some types of mental problems. I was born breech(which means when I was born my butt came out first, omgoshhh, thats why I am always going backwards instead of forward in life). It sounds crazy, but I think there is some truth to this. I have never felt like I was doing anything right, and I'm always waiting for something new to happen. Say like, if I got a job, I would still look in the newspaper looking for something different. Doesn't make since. Well, no wonder coming into the world butt first, what do you expect. Well, have to do somethings. Don't know what, just know there is something I should be doing. God bless you all.
Sincerely, Barbara ~~

Monday, August 11, 2008

~~I miss my baby~~

Well, my baby went to Holiday World today. Shes not really a baby(14 years), but she's my baby still. Yesterday I had her convinced to not go, and we would go and do something together, because I just didn't good about her going. But later, her friend called and said "Hey, I have a free ticket for you, can you go?" and then my hopes of her staying home were out the window. I mean, I am glad she got to go and do something, but there has been so many accidents on the highways, it scares me to death. I pray she will be OK. And I do miss her...even though she is a total brat at
Well, trying to get the courage to call my mom and ask her to borrow some money to pay my cable bill. This makes me sick...but I haven't found a job yet, so its either ask her; take money out of my checking account, in which I have no money in it, or have it disconnected..I really don't think I can live without cable..Don't you hate when you come home and something has been disconnected? Once I came home and my water was shut off...omgoshhh..whatever you do, make sure you pay that bill. That one is not fun to go without. Yuck. Anyways, I think I will go ahead and ask her tonight. I mean, all she can do is yell, or say no..both of which I can handle. If I get that job working for DirecTV, then my cable will be free, because as an employee, that is one of the incentives of being an DirecTV. Now, if they would just call me..I did send them another e-mail, asking about application..Let you know what they say. Still haven't heard anything from NTI..which sucks. I think I am not liking ChaCha either. I took that silly test, and failed it. Whatever! They can have their 10cents a question.
If blogging works, I will start recommending it to everyone, but right now, I am in the new stages of figuring it all out. I love to write, if you can't this could very well be what I'm suppose to be doing. Well. going to clean a little, and maybe start another blog today..I need to come up with a good follow bloggers have some great ideas going on. As soon as I can figure out how to add them all to my page, I am. God bless you all, and have a great day.
Sincerely, Barbara~

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Fashion is one of my favorite words! Fashion magazines like Cosmo have been around forever and a day. I remember reading Cosmo when I was a teenager, which seems like 100 years ago, even though I am only 44, I feel like I should be was just sitting here thinking about buying school clothes, and how everything we wear revolves around our fashion sense. I, for one, use to be into wearing whatever was in..but not so much now. I guess because I have no money to go mall shopping like I used too. Oh, but my daughter has a high fashion sense right now...being 14, she is in deep. Yesterday, she went and got her hair colored..It is blond and a purple strip on both sides. It looks cute, and if I was 14, I believe I would do the same thing. But, being think I will stay with just coloring my hair the color I always do...reddish brown. She is into her butt now..she is always looking at it in the mirror..omgoshh!! I think I have my hands full with this girl.
Another way I love fashion is design. I would love to be a designer of anything. Designing web sites, or designing houses or doesn't matter. I just want to have the word "Design" in my career title. If I can just make it through this year of school, I will have that magical degree in design. What I am taking in school is mainly for web design, but I would love to go to New York and be around people in the designing world, like Project of my favorite show...Fashion week on that show is awesome...Some day I will go to fashion week in New York. I made that promise to myself a long time ago, and I have to go to the Art Museums there also. That would be my dream come true." Make it happen, make it will Tim, I promise" Well gots to go..God bless you all, and have a wonderful day.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Saturday, August 9, 2008

~~Good Morning~~

Good morning all..Well, I failed my ChaCha test, so I can now take that job off my list. Oh well, it probably would have been to stressful for me anyways...searching for answers in 2 minutes..I believe that would have put me over the edge..trying to look at this optimistically. That just means God has something better for me. When a door closes, there is always another door about to be opened. I know God will not let me stay in this state of mind. He knows I need money; He knows about my anxiety, so I know He has something else for me to do. Only time will tell. At least I don't have to worry about my daughter getting her hair done today. Her daddy is taking her, and paying for it. Thank if I can convince her to forget about the trip on Monday to Holiday will be OK. I wish she would just say,"Mom, I don't want to go to Holiday World..don't worry about it" but she keeps saying "I have to go" Please Lord let her change her mind, so my mind can rest this weekend..Then on Monday, I will worry about how I'm going to pay my cable and phone bill..omgoshhh...Life is hard isn't it? You get past one thing, and then another thing just comes up. In 7 weeks I will have my student loan, and I can pay all my bills, but in the mean time, I will be suffering through each day, wondering what to do. I wish i could get my mother to help me, but my other sister is taking pretty much all her money. My sister got evicted from her home in October, and my mom has been paying for her and her family to stay in a motel all this time...Every Friday my sister calls my mom and asks her to come and give her 180 dollars. And my mom does..I love my mom, but when I need help, she frowns, and usually says "have Adam help you" that is my daughter's daddy. I don't blame her for saying that...but it just isn't fair. I remember last summer while I was waiting on a letter from the disability office because I was trying to receive SSI...I had to ask my mom for money to pay me electric bill, which was 190 dollars...She didn't answer me for a long time...but then she said, OK, but acted really mad at me. That hurt my feelings so much, that I told myself I would rather go live in the street then ask my mom for anything else...then in October, she had to start helping my sister...Yeah, she complains, but keeps doing it...If it were me, she would have already put a stop to it...So I can't ask for help. The only person that I can ask is Adam...and then he also makes me feel badly. So, I am just a burden on everyone...Sometimes i wish I didn't have to do it anymore.
Well, have to go and get my daughter ready..Her daddy is coming to pick her up for her hair appointment. God bless everyone, and have a great Saturday.
Sincerely, Barbara

Friday, August 8, 2008

~~No worrying here~~

Hi all...I am trying to think positive today. Not going to worry about bills or anything that has to do with money. I am waiting on ChaCha to send my confirmation e-mail..Hate waiting, it seems that is all I ever do. The sun is shinning, and not feeling to anxious. I probably will when I go down to my mom's house at 5pm..that's when I see my daughter's daddy. The first thing he will do is open up his bank envelope and show me there is nothing left for me..he always does that on Friday's,.. which hurts my feelings a lot. I don't even have to ask him for money and he does that. Oh well. Here is the thing with me and her daddy. 4 years ago I had him move out of our home because he is an alcoholic. To this day, he still is. He stays at his friends house, in there yard, in his van. He buys a 30 pack every other day. So the reason he usually can't help me out is because he puts all his needs before mine, which is his right since we don't live together. The thing that really pisses me off about the whole thing is, when I asked him to move out 4 years ago, he said he would quit drinking, so he could move back in with us. Well, he didn't quit drinking...and I can't go on with my life because of him. I keep waiting. Waiting on what? Like I said, all i do is wait. I wish that guy who I talked about on one of my writings would just knock on my door and ask me to marry him. Would i say yes? I don't know. It would solve my problem with my daughters daddy. But could i say yes if the guy I really believe is "the one" ...but not going to worry about that today either. Just going to concentrate on getting down to my moms and seeing her daddy, then coming back home and putting my pajama's back on..that is when I am in my safe mode. Well, God bless everyone, and will talk again soon. Have a great weekend
Sincerely, Barbara~

Thursday, August 7, 2008

~~My Prayer to God~~

My Prayer to God today...Are you listening God? I know you are, but I don't understand why life has to be so hard. Living in a world that takes lots of money, and not having any is really too much to handle Lord. I pray that You Lord show me a way to pay my bills this week..All my bills are 2 months over due. I pray Lord that you hear my prays. My daughter has a list longer then I can handle for school Lord. She wants her hair colored because she is going into High School, and wants to look her best, and she has a trip to Holiday World on Monday through a church group thing. She needs 40 dollars to go, and I don't have it Lord. She is upset with me and blames it on me for being poor and not being able to work. She knows Lord about my anxiety, but a child her age doesn't care if you can't work, they think all they have to do is ask, and the money appears magically, She doesn't know that I am sick inside Lord because I can't buy the things she needs. Her daddy is all out of money as well. He has helped me as much as he can this past summer, and has nothing left to give.
I feel so hopeless Lord. I feel so sad Lord. I am numb with pain Lord. I want to work, I pray that I can work, but my anxiety will not let me get out of the house, because I have tried this summer..and i messed them up(jobs). Help me Lord and provide me with solutions. Please take this suffering away from me. Give me a chance to prove to you that I can work doing something Lord. I know I can..Just don't know what it is I'm suppose to be doing with my life Lord. I am going to school, but can't seem to finish. Help me Lord to find my way. I love you Lord more then anything else in the world. Amen.
In Jesus name~~

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

~~Summer 08 just about over~~

Good morning everyone..Just woke up and not feeling very positive. I did wake up fast and jump out of bed fast. I came into the kitchen and fixed my coffee..turned on my computer and TV, watched Paula White, a minster on TV that has really helped me feel better about myself and days when I want to give up, which is a lot. It looks like rain here today, that's OK, I like rain..when the sun is out, I feel worse for some reason. The sun usually makes people feel better but not me..Also prefer night time to day time.
Well, summer 08 is just about ready to come to a close, and fall will be here...yahhh...even thought this summer has went pretty fast. Only a couple more weeks and my daughter will start school. She starts on Aug. 18..she needs to yo back, because she spent the whole summer on the computer and phone. My phone is going dead because she is on it too much. I had to get call waiting last week, because as you know, I am trying to get a work at home job, and she was on the phone from the time she got up until she went to bed...same with the computer...and if I wanted to fight with her, I would take them from her, but I don't have the energy. Her daddy got mad at me last night because I didn't want to leave the apartment. He goes "that's why I gave you 5 dollars for gas so you would come down"..oh well, I am depressed and if he doesn't see that then he doesn't care about me...I tell him all him all the time, I don't feel like I can go on..but no one listens to me...I feel as I'm in this world all by myself.
Well, everyone have a wonderful day, and God bless you all...all that are out there, but I do believe I am typing to myself, because I never see anyone comment..That's OK, at least I can let out my feelings, and feel better about me..a little bit anyway...not much.
Sincerely, Barbara ~

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

~~Obama or McCain-Who's your choice?~~

Just watching the news...lets see, in LA, a plan had to have an emergency landing..don't know details yet...Morgan Freeman had an accident on a Mississippii highway yesterday, but I believe he is ok and out of the hospital today. Hurrican Edouard is making a landing in Texas..but I think its down sized to a tropical storm..which is still not good, but better then what believed. Obama and McCain are still figuring each other on going which I must say, I don't care for either. I was gunning for Obama, but in the last 6 months, I don't do much anymore. He cute, and smart, and witty, but can he really run the country? I don't know. I think McCain is a bit older and I think that may get in his way. Not saying age matters, but he is 75 I believe...that is a factor. I do see him flip flopping on lots of issues, and so does Obama. So, I just will not vote.
Still waiting on one of those work at home jobs to appear...I am starting to thing working at home is only a myth. I have seen so many job listings on WAHM, and WPLH, but when I apply I get rejected. I don't understand. Still waiting on N.E.W to contact which I thintraining starts for that job on Sept.8th(my birthday). So there is still hope for that one. The NTI people were suppose to contact me, but haven't heard anything yet. Still have not taken my test for chacha yet. Not sure if I will pass that test because of my anxiety. When I get nervous, my brian freezes up. I always say I will take it today, but then today comes and goes, and I am still saying "I will take it today"'...silly me..
Hey, does anyone know a website where I can get a free Algebra tutor? When school starts in 2 weeks, I have to pass this class. I have taken it 4 times, and I have to graduate this May 09. Must have this credit. I am out of ways of trying to figure this out. I am good at anything artisy..but give me Math..and forget it. If you do know of a good website, just e-mail me at
Welll, I must leave you all, i have to write in my other blogs...I will list them on here when I have them up and ready...God bless you all
Sincerely, Barbara ~~

Monday, August 4, 2008

~~Home Sweet Home~~

Good morning...getting ready to pick up my daughter from her friends house. She spent the night there, and she's giving me a hard time this morning because she want to stay longer...shes been there since yesterday..starting to feel like she doesn't love me and wants to stay away. I know when I was that age, I was never home, but she is not mature for her age. I don't like this teen business. It really sucks. And another thing...she is always taking pictures and putting them on her myspace. I don't know about her, shes really starting to worry me.
School starts in 2 weeks..this summer really went fast. In a way I am glad, because I love fall, but in a way I'm not. That means winter will be here soon...don't really mind cold weather, I just hate scrapping my car windows...omgoshhh...i hate that sooo much. But the first snow is relaxing. It would be more relaxing if I had "the one" well, its still not my time. Maybe I'm suppose to be by't believe that.
As soon as I get one of those work at home jobs, I plan to move to the country in a house. Right now I live in an apartment, and I really have no privacy at all. People above me, beside me and across the hall way from me...I feel as if I can't breath. Anxiety gives you that feeling. I want a front porch over looking a field, with a porch swing...listening to my radio, doing school work, with a husband sitting beside me..."Dream a little dream for me"..oh well, one of these days...I have to get ready to go and get my child..She better get in my car...shes wanting to go to Holiday World on the 11th of this month, but the way shes acting, I doubt I will let here unless she changes her ways...God bless you all..have a wonderful day~~
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Sunday, August 3, 2008

The little things in life

Good morning everyone..My day is starting off pretty good so far. As you know if you've any of my blogs, i suffer from anxiety, and usually my worse times are right when I wake up. I jump up out of bed like I'm in trouble or something. That feeling is starting to subside a little. Maybe I'm not caring as much about what my neighbors think now...not sure what happened. As of today, I am still waiting on those two work at home jobs to call me. And I am still in the process of getting ChaCha going. I am having lots of anxiety about taking that final test to work with them...I get prepared, then cancel I will for sure..
Wow, I just had a bunch of things wrote out, and I touched something and deleted it, now I am still smiling. I can write more, I think.
My daughters daddy is coming over. Sometimes when I can't go to the store because of my anxiety, I will ask him if he will go for me. In exchange I was going to fix him breakfast. But, he just called and said he had to work on his brakes first. I guess it will have to be lunch I fix him. Thats the kind of relationship we have currently. I do things he needs done, and he does things for me that I need done. I know it sounds crazy, but it works for now. But I don't believe I am in love with him anymore. Its more on a friend level. But I do just get jealous, and that is one sign that feelings are still there. I've been going through this with him now for over 15 years. does one keep let go of past relationships. I don't know. I guess its better then not having anyone, but I can't go out and meet "the one" living like this. My anxiety is to bad to change anything up right now, so today we will still remain friends. Well, gots to go..God bless everyone, and have a great day.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Saturday, August 2, 2008

~~Fall time brings refreshing days~~

Hi all...signing on late tonight...its just been a long day. It's really hot here, and I'm getting anxious to get back to school. I love the fall...I know the leaves and everything start to die, but its my most relaxing time of the year. Its also my birthday time, so maybe that has something to do with it. I finished registering for my fall semester, and going to have a full schedule. My major is Art, well, Visual Communications. I love to draw and my first choice when I decided to go back to college was to be an Art teacher. That didn't go to well, because my anxiety got in the way with some of the classes I was taking, so changed from art teacher to Web Designer. ~~Maybe~~Subject to change at a moments notice. I live day to day, so I never know what will change. I wish I could just pick a career choice and keep it. I do have some hard times using the computer, and not sure if web design will cut it for me. The reason I chose web design is because it was as close to drawing as I could get. I love to draw and be creative, but can't find a career that pays to draw at home, unless your totally awesome and which, I'm not. I just love to draw. Well, anyway, I only have a few classes left plus Algebra(I have took this class 4 times and can not really funny, but I have to laugh about it or I will cry). At least I will have a degree in something, which is better then nothing, so they say. Who is they? The ones that run the world.
Well, I have to get up early in the morning and take my daughter to church, then come home and try and take my chacha guide test. I have been wanting to take this test all week end, but keep getting nervous. I better hurry up, or they'll give it to some one else..
God bless everyone and good night
Barbara :)

Friday, August 1, 2008

~~~God is Love~~~

Hello everyone~~It's a wonderful day. When you have God in your life anything is possible. If it wasn't for God, i doubt I'd be here right now. I pray when i first wake up and through out my day. I started really feeling the presence of God about 4 years ago, when i asked someone this simple question~~"What is the difference between God and Jesus? Then my life started changing. The one sure way I know God is there, is the way I do things now. I used to live with my boyfriend, but not long after asking that question, I had him move out. I was drinking a little, not much at the time, but i stopped. The main reason I know He is there and hears us is, i used have sex without thinking twice whether I was making God mad at me. I mean if I was married, no problem, but i wasn't married, and didn't really care. Then after asking the question, What is the difference between God and Jesus? I started caring about little actions I was doing on my part. I stopped cursing,(sometimes those words go come out, but it takes a whole lot of madness). I am still confused though why I am having a hard time with financial needs, and finding love again, and why my depression and anxiety will not go away, but I know there is a reason why I still suffer from these things. God is using me for something, I just don't know what yet. The truth will come out soon, I just know it will. In the mean time, I will stay faithful, and will not go back to my old ways, no matter how tempting the urges become. Which right now, I am dreaming of the day I get married. Not sure who this man will be, but I have a big God, so I am sure He has someone really special in mind for me. God bless everyone, and talk again tomorrow.
Barbara :)