Tuesday, August 12, 2008


Hello all..Well, my baby made it home safely last night around 10:30. I was so glad to see her. She got a major sun burn, so she's in pain. I am sitting her contemplating calling my mother regarding my late bills. Man, why do I have to go through this every day. I just told myself, "Barbara, your not going to worry about this today..you can call her on Thursday" since I have until Friday, but my mind keeps going there. I filled out a form for another job on wahm's again last night; this one is for iDictate. It sounds pretty interesting. We'll see. Oh yeah, I also sent in an application for a crossing guard too, but if I get that job, I would work when school gets out because I would have to cross children, so I don't know about that. Plus, I would rather have the work at home job. But, I am desperate, so if they call, I can't say I wouldn't take it. I don't know what I am doing in this life. I have all these thoughts going on in my mind, but I can't get a single one to appear. Omgoshhh...It's driving me crazy.
My daughter's daddy is getting an apartment this weekend, which is a good thing, but now he will not be able to help me out at all. How hes going to do it, is beyond me, because he needs to quit drinking. Drinking takes most of his money. I will pray that he can because he was really happy last night about getting his apartment. I didn't show my disappointment for my own needs. I let him have his happiness. I try and keep my feelings silent so no one can see the truth in how I really feel. I put on my happy face and smile, even when I am having my anxiety. I just go to my truck and sit for a few minutes..but they know when I go to my truck I am having some panic, and they leave me alone for the time being.
Ok, people please pray for me that I can find the courage to call my mom and ask her if I can borrow some money to pay a few bills. She knows I will pay her back when I get my student loan, but since my sister gets money off her every week, it hurts when I have to ask for help also. I am scared to ask...omgoshhh, why do I feel this way. I think deep down inside of me, I didn't get the attention I should have when I was a child or something. I also read heard something the other day that amazed me. I heard that if your born "breech" you may suffer from some types of mental problems. I was born breech(which means when I was born my butt came out first, omgoshhh, thats why I am always going backwards instead of forward in life). It sounds crazy, but I think there is some truth to this. I have never felt like I was doing anything right, and I'm always waiting for something new to happen. Say like, if I got a job, I would still look in the newspaper looking for something different. Doesn't make since. Well, no wonder coming into the world butt first, what do you expect. Well, have to do somethings. Don't know what, just know there is something I should be doing. God bless you all.
Sincerely, Barbara ~~

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