I wish i may, i wish i might

I wish i may, i wish i might, i wish i may have this wish tonight~~I finally heard from ChaCha..yahhhh!!! Now I can start making some money. I hope its fun, and brings me lots of money. Me and my daughter can sure use it. Today i helped my daughter make her blog. She was just writing away..lol..bless her heart. I hope she can make some money too.
Just through watching Big Brother 10...love that show. Angie went home..not my first choice to leave, but oh well. Now i am contemplating whether i should take my chacha test, or wait until i can go print out the handbook. I think i should wait, i would hate to fail the test. If anyone wants to know about chacha, just mail me and i will let you in on this nice little job.

Today i had a doctors appointment, which went well. She told me i should go and have a pap smear...i know...sounds awful, that's why i put it off as long as possible.. My doctor didn't know that i haven't had one since my daughter was born, in which she is now 14 years old. Omgoshh...its been 14 years since my last pap smear....not good..she said i need to go and have one asap. Yuck...I also got some news from my college saying I had an outstanding balance that i need to take care of before my financial aid will take effect..so tomorrow i need to call the school and get that fixed....i had no idea i had a balance..i get financial aid, so everything is supposedly paid for..just another thing on my list of things to do.
I did see a really good looking guy today while i was out and about...One of these days i will find "the one". People who are married wish they were single sometimes, and single people wish they were married sometimes...we are never happy..are we?
Well, talk tomorrow, God bless you all.
Barbara :)

Another Day, Another dream washed away~~

Depressed today again. Can't figure out how to pay my bills, and its really getting to me. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, maybe she can help me with this depression. I hate to dwell on the same things right now, but these are my secret thoughts. No pleasurable thoughts going on here right now. I am thinking about calling me mother and asking her for help, but she has enouth to worry about, and I don't want ot add to her problems. I wish one of those jobs would call me today. In a month, I will have my school student loan money, which I can use to take care of school and bills, but I have a whole moth before that happens. I tried to receive disability for my anxiety, but when I went to court, they denied me, which is ok, because I would much rather work, but I have tried a few jobs this summer and failed at both. I did get approved by the VR in my state, but that could take a while. The N.E.W. jobs are not suppose to start until Sept. 8th, so, not sure what to do. Blogging doesn't pay until your a pro at it, in which I clearly am not. Trying to get into ChaCha, but still waiting.
It seems alll I do is play the waiting game. For school, work, love, or whatever. I am always waiting on something to happen. I remember even when I was married, and content, I was waiting on something to change. I would stay up at night and figure up our bills, and my husband at that time made good money, so why did I put myself through all that. Only God knows. Well, I have to go for now. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some good news.
God bless everyone,
Barbara :)

My secret thought of the day..

Well, last night was not a good night, so I woke up feeling depressed. Thats what took me so long to write in my blog today. Remember me talking about my daughters daddy living in his van. Well, last night his friends told him he couldn't use there electric anymore. So, he stayed in his van without power. So, of course, he called me at 9pm saying those words I used to hear when he lived with his dad; they were "Come get me ******* now"...I got sick to my stomach, and all those old feelings started to resurface again. So, like a fool, I got in my truck and drove to where he was, because you see, by then, he was good and drunk. I am afraid if I don't go when he calls, he will drive to my house and cause a big scene, or kill someone trying to drive drunk. So, I got in my truck, and drove to him....by then, i was in tears, that I could not control. Thank God, he got things straightened out, and I got to come home without an argument. All day today I was wondering what tonight would bring. He gets to continue to use their electric for now. But omgoshh,,,there is no way I can live with him again. But, he helps me with my bills, so I feel guilty if I don't run when he hollars. I need help badly. I sure do wish I would get one of those jobs so I can go on with my life and not depend on anyone to help me out.
My daughter has been real mean this week also. She is 14, but acts like she is 8..don't know what to do with her. She does nothing I ask her to do, and she stays on my computer and will not give it to me. She will scream at me, if i just take it, and i live in an apartment, so people can hear everything. I want to move into a house so bad. But first i have to get one of those jobs...man, I pray God hears my prayers, and gives me one of those work at home jobs really soon. All my bills are due now, some over due.. So these are my secret thoughts today, not good ones, and I hope tomorrow will be a better day. God bless everyone...
Barbara :)

Food, men, the one!!

Good afternoon everyone,
Just fixing banquet pot pies for me and my daughters lunch. Not my first choice, but oh well. Today I was thinking about that man that I said I loved a while back. My life with men and love has been a book all in its self. I got married when I was 18 years, had a baby boy named Bobby, at 20, got divorced at 26, dated about 6 men in 6 months at age 26..i call that my wild time. I just for some reason didn't care about anything at that tiime. I had a good job making 13. oo an hour, and lots of friends. Me and my son lived by ourselves. Then I met this man through my new job, (my 14 year olds daddy), and we have been on and off for 17 years now. In between our breakups, he has had girlfriends, and I have had boyfriends. Thats how I meet my stalker of 5 years(in which i haven't seen him now in 3 years, don't know what happened to him), and this other man, in which i felt was "the one". But me and my daughter's daddy got back together, and that one ended also. So, the reason my daughters daddy and me are not together, together, is because he's an alcoholic. That is the reason I had him move out 4 years ago. He lived with his dad for a while, now he lives in his van, running an extension cord to his van for power, at a friends house. Me and my daughter go and see him every night for about an hour. He will not quit drinking for me, and for some reason, i can't just let him go. I take him places, and he helps me with my bills, when he can. So I give him something, and in return, he gives me something. (no sex in this exchange)...just in case anyone is wondering if that plays a part. As a matter of fact, I am waiting until I get married for that, so that may never happen again...omgoshh....!!!
Anyway, I was thinking about this man that was "the one" Can someone please tell me how to locate him. And if I do locate him, what do I say? So, as you can see, my life with men has not been easy. Not to mention another man I met online a while back...that is a whole nother day..I promise I will tell about that situation here soon. Well, my pot pies are about finished, so I better get going for now. God bless everyone, and have a great day.
Sincerely, Barbara :)

July 26th turned out to be just another day, oh well..

So I made it through July 26th...nothing happened..i don't whether to be glad or sad. As I wrote in yesterday's blog, i circled that date because for some reason i seen that date 2 times in April. Don't know what it meant. Oh well...maybe its next July 26th..lol..
Got up early and took my daughters dad some place. Got back home an hour ago, and really bored. I reaa the newspaper, and watched a movie. Would clean, but did that yesterday. What an exciting life I lead. Hopefully this week I will get started on my new work at home job. It will take me a couple of weeks to get everything set up though. I wil need a second phone line, and a desk top computer. Plus a printer and Lord knows what else, but it will be worth it to stay at home and monitor my daughter. Plus, its pays good, and I won't have to buy gas for my truck...just don't know about the customer service type of work. I've never done this kind of work before. My main experience has always been in manufacturing...so we'll see. If God wants me to do it, then I'll be able to do it. If not, I'm sure He will put me on another path before this job starts. I have changed directions more then I would like to count. In relationships, jobs, living locations, cars, just every area. I move a lot, and get tired of things easy...this is not good...i believe it has to do with my anxiety problem..Well, I think me and my daughter are leaving again...so will talk again to you all tomorrow..Have a great day and God bless..
Barbara :)

July 26..Don't know what this day will bring!!!

Can you believe it....i actually slept until 9am...amgsoh! I never sleep this late. But, that made me jump up even faster. I wish I wouldn't do that, jump fast as if I am in trouble for sleeping. Oh well, just drinking my coffee and trying to relax from about killing myself jumping out of bed. If you don't know why I get up fast, I explained all that in my very first post, so i won't bore you today with my anxiety problem. Today, there is somethins else on my mind. You see, sometimes I get little signs about the future, so i feel anyway.
On April 29 of this year, i was on the computer, and i seen this date, for no good reason..July 26..with not year behind it..didn't think much of it, but within an hour, i was watching TV, and there it was again...July 26, with no year behind it..it was creepy. So I wrote this date down in my scheduler. So far, so good. I have had little signs at other times, that i will explain at another time. Things that lead me to God. If nothing happens today, I will talk about a few tomorrow when I wake up. So with July 26 fianlly here, I pray that it is something awesome, like a dream job, or marriage proposal(which would be a blessing, because there is no one i am in love with at the moment..lol..Well, one man, but I haven't been in contact with him in over a year. I fell in love with him, an then we just stopped, an went our separate ways. Don't know where he is now. Ok, i am just rambling on..i have so many things I could talk about. Save for another day. From love, to divorce, to babies, to just about anthing, I've been through it. God bless you all.
Barbara :)

Anxiety has got the best of me today

Good morning everyone,
I all a lot on my mind this morning. My anxiety is really bad, and feeling depressed. I have too many things going on right now. I might have 2 different jobs working from home coming up real soon. I have never been a customer service anything, and I am getting nervous about it. What if i can't do it? I need money badly, so I will have to over come my anxiety to do this. You guys have no idea how bad my anxiety really is. I have about 10 panic attacks daily. I take my medicine, but that doesn't help while I am in the middle of an attack. Its real hell. I tried to work in the real world over the summer, but failed about 4 times now. I have no husband for support, so my daugthers needs are all on me. I did get approved with VC, and that is how I will be attempting to work from home. Also, I applied with N.E.W., the new home based work company that came to Terre Haute last week. I pray that I can do one of these jobs successfully, mine, an my daughters future depends on it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to try and go out of your own front door, but can't. Some days are like that for me.
School starts in 3 weeks for my daughter, and 4 weeks for me. So, if i get this work at home job, i will be going that, plus going to school full-time. I only have 2 semesters left to get my degree in Visual Communications. I want to to do something in design, since art is my thing. I hope I can finish this year. Please pray for me, that I can do this job coming up, and that I can make it to all my classes.
God Bless eveveryone
Barbara :)

So once I have this stalker. I met him about 10 years ago while me and my then boyfriend were spit up. Me and *** dated for about 5 months. After 5 months, me and my old boyfriend decided to get back together. *** a.k.a. the stalker, didn't like that idea at all. He started leaving notes in my mailbox, leaving money, gifts, and going around my block where i lived about once an hour. After about 3 months of him doing this continuously i called the police. They could not help me, they said he was allowed to drive around the block all he wanted to as long as he didn't come onto my property. I got used to seeing him, and he would always know where I was at. He did this for 5 years, and yes, I said 5 years. Then one day, he like disappeared, without any trace. I have not seen him now for over 3 years. But i can still see that 87 black monte carlo in my dreams, an if I see one on the street, I get emotional. I prayed that he woul stop, and so far, he is gone. This is just one of my experiences I have had with men who want to control, or abuse.
God bless everyone,
Barbara :)

~~Drawing Brings Peace~~

One of the baby girl twins/5 hours old

Good morning everyone, here is a picture of my niece's sweet baby girl. Isn't she beautiful. I wanted both of the twins together, but since they were just born, we couldn't get both in at this time...but I will get one later on.
Will be back here soon. I want to write about something that effects me still, even after a few years.
God bless you all
Barbara :)

Wow~~~Identical twins

Hello everyone,
Todays a good day....My niece gave birth to girl identical twins. Me and my daughter went to see them, and omgosh, they are soo beautiful. As soon as I can get the pictures downloaded on here, I show put them up, so everyone can see them. The smallest one cries all the time, and the bigger one just lays still...So Sweet!
My anxiety level is high, I am home now, its 7:45, and I'm trying to decide if I want to go to my friends funeral tomorrow. I feel as if I have to, but my mind just feels like I can't be around all those people. Maybe after I sleep, I will feel better.
Well, I am getting off here, I have millions of things I should be doing. Tomorrow I am going to talk about a touchy subject, that is hard to talk about, so I will write more in the morning/
God bless you all..
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Back to school soon

School is coming back soon. Me and my daughter go, so have to make some money quick so we can buy some cool school clothes. This will be my final year in college. My major is Visual Communications...and I am soooo glad its almost over. My daughter will starting in High School...scary thought. She is ready to start, mainly for the boys...lol...she is getting boy crazy. God help me. If she is anything like me, she will take boy's with a grain of salt.
My favoite show came back on last week. Big Brother 10. This is a very interesting TV show. If you've never watched, I recommend you do. You may be thinking, omgoshhhh, another reality show. But, this is not boring; i love it lots.Tune in.
My anxiety is at a minimum this morning, but I did wake up fast. Started thinking about my thoughts. My mind races in the mornings rapidly, making me feel very anxious. My coffee did help, and I am finding this writing of my blog is releasing some pressure also.. I wish I would have started doing this a long time ago.
Well, I have lots of things to do today to prepare for my new jobs coming my way.
God bless everyone and have a beautiful day all...
Sincerely, Barbara :)

Lets See....

Lets see....made it through yesterday. Missing my friend lots. Isn't it sad, you just never know when your time is up ^^^...I feel for Tim's family. They are coming in from all around, and I know I am talking a lot about him, but thats okay..I can. Good Bye Tim***

Just took my daughter to church. Church is good for her. I hope she benefits from the Word. I would go, but with this anxiety, its hard to get in places where people accumulate. Working on it. Working on it..My daughters daddy is waiting on me to come down, so I have to start getting ready. I get ready, but never feel ready. Oh yeah,,,,,I am hating myself more and more with age. When I was in my 20's, I started dating my daughters dad. He is 9 years younger then me. So, I was 27 and he was 19 at the time. I felt old then, because he was so young. But now...man...let me tell you....I really feel old. I am 44, 44, 44,, soon to be 45 in September..omgosh!! My advice on dating a younger man...the only thing hard is..you feel old alll the time. The older he gets, the older you get. I find myself looking in the mirror a lot more these days, so I try to avoid them. Not that I am bad looking, I have never had a problem getting attention; it's all in my mind. The anxiety part of my life tells me...you are old, fat, and ugly, so why try. But, as you all know..we must..its what we do. Go out that door, dream big...now if I can only follow my own advice...lol..
Tilll next time....God bless :)

Barbara *

Good Bye to a good life long friend R.I.P.

Good morning everyone,
This morning I woke up, but not in my usual way. In past mornings, I had anxiety and thoughts that are uncommon to most people after having a good nights sleep. My phone rang and woke me up around 6:30. My boyfriend called me to let me know that a good friend died at 2am in the morning. My friends name is Tim. a.k.a. (tiny). I really don't have words on how this makes me feel at the moment, since I am trying to take it all in. Yesterday afternoon, my friend who is only 48, went in to have surgery on his stomach. His family just put in a Nursing Home a couple of weeks ago, because no one could care for him. He was a drinker for as long as I've known him. I just seen him last week sitting out in his father's yard, as the family had a family reuion last weekend. So, he did get a chance to see all his family one last time. He has 14 bothers and sisters.
I remember when we were all children, he was a little older, but him and his bothers and sisters used to come over to our house, and my dad would spray us all off with the garden hose, as we couldn't afford a swimming pool. But it was soooo much fun in those days. I will never forget Tim. I know he is in a better place this morning, smiling down on his family, sitting with God.
Well, I will let you guys go for now. My anxiety is kind of gone at the moment, because I am feeling like I don't really care what my neighbors think I do all day long. I am alive, and that is all that matters this morning. When we think life can't possibly get any worse, just think of my friend, Tim, who died an awful death, and I am missing him a lot. God bless all.
Sincerely, Barbara

Today is not a good day!!!

Good afternoon to all. I woke up quickly this morning, as i always do. For some reason, when i wake up, i have really bad anxiety. I feel like if i sleep past 7am, the pleasure police will come and arrest me. Ever since i started having my anxiety problem a few years ago, my life has not been the same. I can't complete anything I start. I've been trying to finish college since 2002...wow, that is a long time to try and get a degree. It's not because I am stupid, but because I start having panic attacks, and have to drop out of my classes. Not good. Right now I have a major headach, and my thoughts are going crazy. I need a job badly, but can't find one that I can keep, due to this anxiety problem. So, I thought just maybe, I could start blogging, and see how this goes. I need a break from this thing called life.

Anyway, as I started out saying, I woke up, feeling as if I don't deserve to sleep, since I am not working, I feel as if my neighbors are wondering what I do all day long. Does she work? Is she just rich...lol...I wish? Is she on welfare, that lazy woman? All these thoughts go through my head, especially in the morning, as soon as I wake up. So I rush out of bed, fix my coffee...thank God for coffee....and get dressed...Get dressed for what I always ask myself. It's not like I am heading to work. Thats why I start having panic attacks early in the morning. Hopefully one day I can just lay in my bed, and feel that simply pleasure of sleeping in.
Have a wonderful day everyone, and please return. I will have lots of conversations about my secrets from past experiences ( which is really unbeliveable to hear) and my secret thoughts, my inner feelings about life, men, work, school, children, and lottttsssss of Art topics, my real passion. Oh yeah. ...my wonderful God above me, who without Him, i would probably not even be here to write. God bless you!!

Sincerely, Barbara :)