~~My Uncle passed away at 5am this morning~~

Well, another death has occurred in our family this morning. First it was my Aunt who passed away a couple of weeks ago. Now her husband, my wonderful Uncle Albert passed away at 5am this morning. I believe he was heart broken, and missing his wife and wanted to be with her. A few days after my Aunts funeral me and my dad went to see him and he had his white kitty sitting on his lap. He was talking to us, but looked so sad I didn't know what to say to him. We started talking about this years election. He said he didn't know yet who he was voting for. Now to think hes not even here. I have been so upset all day long. They were the perfect couple. The funeral is on Saturday of next week. Omgoshhh, I am so sad. This was my dads last brother he had left. My dad is 67 and I am getting really worried about him now. I can't even imagine anything happening to my daddy. All day I have been wondering, "What is this thing called life all about anyway? We are here, we suffer trying to pay bills, raise our families, find jobs, try and save relationships, go to funerals, and whatever else life wants to do to us. I know there are good days as well, but when you think about it it will drive you crazy trying to figure out reasoning in it all. I asked my daughter's daddy this question today and he said so we can all make it to heaven. Then I said, Why don't God just keep us all in heaven and then we don't have to go through all the pains of life. I guess this is just to deep a conversation to have on a blog site because no one knows these answers until we die. So we are suppose to enjoy our life's and make the best at whatever we go through. But, I was thinking about my Uncle Albert. He was such a good man and he would do anything for anyone, now hes gone. Here then gone. I know hes happy now, because he is back with the one he loves, that's why I asked why bother even coming down here when we could just do all this up in heaven and live forever and ever. I love God and I know He has good reason for our test and trials we go through down here, and that's just the way I look at anything that is thrown my way. I think to myself " Okay, this is just a test, get through it and go on to the next thing"

Well, I am going to be bed here soon, just not feeling well at all. In the past year I have lost 2 Aunts, 1 Uncle, a cousin and his wife, and a really good friend. How sad is this. I miss them all dearly. God bless everyone, and have a great night.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~Sarah Palin~~I wish people would leave her alone~~

Hello everyone, its been a while since I've wrote in here. My computer is not running well at all. I hope I can get through this post without it going down.

Back to Sarah Palin. Every time I turn on the news I hear someone bashing this woman. Why is that? She has to account for every word, and I sure don't hear people questioning Mr. Joe Biden(Think I spelled his name right). I am just getting so frustrated at listening to people. I watch the 'View" and a few of those women on there just really don't like her. And a lot of the stars just absolutely hate her. Take Pam Anderson for one, she actually said " I just hate her". Do they personally know her? I doubt it. I believe they are jealous that a woman in her 40's may have a chance of becoming President. I doubt they've been to her house and had dinner with her and her family. That would be like me saying I hate Joe Biden when I don't even know anything about this man. Just because Obama chose him doesn't make me hate him. I guess he wears his suit better then Sarah. I see people making fun of style and where she lives, its ridiculous. When McCain called her up, I am sure she didn't run and take a class on VP. She was a mayor and a is a governor. What else do these people want? I say leave her alone and let her grow into her new found position as a running mate with John McCain. She could prove to be very good.

I watched "Project Runway" last night and suede went home. I think I spelled his name correctly. I am having spelling problems today with names...lol..please excuse that. Anyway, I was kind of wanting Kindley to go home(once again, don't know about that name....lol). She is a smart butt and thinks her designs are so great, and I don't think they are. Anyway, she is always putting Tim Gunn down when he tries to give her criticism. I would take it if he gave it to me. I mean, after all, he is a designer and I think he knows a little bit more then her. Maybe not, but she should just try and listen for a change. Some people think they know it all. Can't tell them nothing.

I have been waiting on my student loan money now for a week. I thought for sure it would be here by now. Oh well. I had to borrow another 100 from my mom to pay my cable. It was due today, and thought I would have my money, but it didn't come so I had to ask my mommy again. That really sucks when I have to do that. She was nice about it. I pray it will come tomorrow. I was suppose to go to school yesterday, but had really bad anxiety all day long and couldn't do anything. So far this semester I have kept it under check, but yesterday it was bad. I e-mailed my teachers, and hope they aren't upset with me. I don't go back until Monday, so hopefully I will feel better by then.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~Going to school, talk soon~~

Hi everyone, I am in between classes, so I can't talk very long for now. I had the worse anxiety last night that it made me cry. I think the thought of going to school this morning brought it on. I don't know why, I just got really sick and nervous. This morning I felt a little better, but I think its because I worry about getting in front of the class. Today, the first thing our teacher said was, "practice on your on design font, and we'll do our critiques on our ramson notes we made last week" and my heart sunk. There was on way I could get in front of the class this morning, so I prayed like I did last night and this morning. Well, before we knew it, time had passed to quickly and he didn't mention it. So for 2 and a half hours i sit there worrying about doing this, only to not have to~~~THANK GOD~~I Believe He heard my prayer's. So now I am getting ready to pick my daughter up from school and take her to my moms so I can go back to school for my Algebra class. Double yuck. I hate this class so much. I got a D on my first test. Not good at all. I must make a C in order to take the next Math class in the spring semester to graduate, so I best be getting that tutor now, ASAP....lol.

With "Big Brother" over, I feel so lost. Now I can't find anything to watch. I guess I can use this time to STUDY ...That would be a good idea. STill looking for that silly white truck to pull up. No luck there yet. Hell, he probably didn't even receive the card I sent. He probably moved or something, or knows, who's cares...ME!!! Oh well, that would have been a bunch of drama that I don't need right now. And still waiting on NTI to call me back. They write, but don't call. I wish I knew what it was God wanted me to do. Life is so confusing. Its like a big puzzle and we have to put all the pieces together correctly, or its a do over. Well, I really need to sign off and head out the door. I am not in school tomorrow, so I will visit every ones blog site. I haven't been posting on wahm because I forgot my password and to busy to get another one. But I do go on and read all your updates and check out new job leads. God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~In the Belly of a Fish~~

Got to tell you guys about something that happened about 2 years ago. And I know I am a little crazy, but I don't hear voices or any real serious problems(that I know of). Except for my anxiety attacks and a little depression, I think I'm fine. Anyway, let me tell you about this experience I had. You will find it interesting but not believable.

I came home from my moms house and turned on my computer, but the screen was up not up yet. So I waited a few minutes for it to warm up. Then I heard in my mind these words "In the Belly of a Fish" I thought wtf. (My actual thoughts at that time because it came of of no where). I looked on my computer which had a screen now and was looking for the word "fish" or "belly" but nothing. So I thought, oh well, I must be nuts. Didn't think anything else about it for a while. Then about 2 weeks later I had to do a project for my computer graphics class. We had to write a children's book. So I went into my daughters room and went through about 100 books looking for a good example. I found one and brought it into my living room not really paying much attention to the title or anything, just mainly looking for artwork. I put it under my coffee table until I was ready to use it. A week later the book just fell out at me. So I thought, I might has well start preparing for my project of writing this children's book. As I was looking at this book I totally freaked out. The title of this book was "The Story of Jonah" , so I thought I would read it. When I read it I was amazed at the wording in this book. I seen these exact words "In the Belly of a Fish" and I thought wow. I knew then that God was sending me a message. I just didn't know what. I know God doesn't talk out loud to us, but I do believe when He wants to get our attention He does what He has to do to get it. This was his way I just know. That was a few years ago, but I still keep the book in my cabinet, close by and read it every so often. In the book it read how Jonah had to go tell people that their nation was in trouble if they didn't turn from their sins. And in our nation, we have had so much trouble since then. I waited on more signs but I guess I missed them or not. Maybe I am afraid to go around and tell people about this. I only told a hand full of people about this experience, but it is as real as ever. And I do believe God wants me to do something I am just not sure what yet. With no doubt, I know He has a plan for me, and that is one reason I keep going on. Another morning I woke up out of a deep sleep and heard these words as plain as day. "All you people driving around in your fast cars having fun are heading to the lake of fire" and it scared me to death. You see, I don't go to church, but I do believe in God and Jesus. So not sure what God is telling me, since so many people do believe there is not a hell, which I bet to differ. But people will say, "Oh, there is no Hell, or devil. Which who really knows for sure. No one does until they die. So we should go by our only proof, which it the Bible, which does speak about Hell lots. Not a preacher here, but have had way to many signs in the past few years to believe different. Also, 4 years ago I had to have sex. I mean I didn't think anything about it. Then I was watching a pastor on TBN and he was talking about sex, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Then I stopped having sex out of marriage. Which I am not married, so I have not had sex in 4 years, which could be the reason I am so frustrated..lol, but that's a different blog, and way to long for now. Anyway, I decided to wait until I get married. For me to just stopping having sex was impossible. Ever since I was 14, I had sex at least once a day, and I'm not even kidding about this. I was addicted to sex. Then 4 years ago, it just happened. I stopped. So now I know that I know there is a God up there. For him to stop me from this was truly a miracle. Got to go. God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~Short & Sweet~~

Short & Sweet and to the point. I wish I could figure this thing out called life. Twists and turns, tests and trials, love and hate, poor and rich. Wow, listening to a really good song right now. "The Eagles" Witchy Woman" awesome~~~ Can't hardly type for singing.
Just sitting here looking at my patio window waiting for a white truck to drive by. Damn, to many. Oh well. I just can't get him out of my head. He shouldn't have left that little gift card. And i shouldn't have sent him a card in return. Now I am waiting on what? Don't know. It is making my days more interesting. Gives me hope that maybe we might be together one of these days.
Another good song....This one is country..."Killing Time, is Killing me, Drinking myself blind, thinking I won't see" Clint Black. Wow, I love all kinds of music. I wish I could still drink sometimes, but I tried to drink a beer a while ago, and started getting a headache. I think I did it to much when I was younger. But I am in the mood to drink a beer. Don't know why. Music does that to me sometimes. "Killing time for eternity" ...OK, the song is finished. Now its Willie Nelson "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" Love that song too. OK, I am really hoping this man will come by my house and ask me to marry him. Omgoshhhh. What did I just say? See what he did to my mind this past week. I really need to get a grip now. Barbara, you know you couldn't marry him right now, you have your daughter's daddy somewhere on the line. But he doesn't care about me, or he would stop drinking...isn't that correct. He's had 4 years to stop drinking and us be together, but he is still drinking every night. What would you do if you were me? Well, have to go. God bless you all and have a great weekend. Will keep you updated on my silly self, and playin this game inside my mind...lol.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~Keep thinking about him~~

Hi everyone, how are ya'll doing? Me, well, I think I'm in la la land. Every since I found that card on my truck, I have been thinking about this man. I sent him a Birthday card on Tuesday, and have been really nervous about doing this. I am so confused, like usual. Even though me and my daughter's daddy are not together, together, we still see each other for about an hour a night, but we are at my moms and just talking with everyone around, but I feel like I cheated. All I did was send a Birthday card, so I should just relax. Anyways, he may not even have gotten it. I think I do love him or I wouldn't be thinking about him so much. I have been thinking about him now for about 4 years. So confused. Need to think about this more, and get back with you guys on this one.

School is going well. I am learning about graphics and its fun. I hope I can finally get it, so maybe I can have a real career in graphic design. That would be so awesome. Have my own business right here out of my home, doing designs....wow. Just a dream for now, but dreams are what my life have always been based on. I dream a lot, but usually that's as far as they go.I am still waiting on NTI to contact me with a second interview. That's frustrating that they haven't contacted me yet. I just e-mailed them, so hopefully they will get back with me. Looking into finding something else. I pretty much gave up on ppp's, they just weren't working for me. Any ideas would be great about now, so if anyone has a led somewhere please let me know. Well, I am heading down to my mom's house, so will talk to you guys later. God bless you all and have a great night.

sincerely, Barbara :)

~~Big Brother is done~~For this season~~

Hi everyone. Just getting ready to go to school. Been real busy lately so I hardly ever come on here, but its usually just me venting anyways. I'm not making money on here, so I just consider this blog my therapist..lol. I don't think I spelled that correct, oh well. Last night on "Big Brother" Dan won the game. I knew he would. Memphis sucks pretty much. Now I will have to find something else to watch on the nights it was on. Thank God the fall season i on now.

I sent a Birthday card to the guy who put a Birthday card on my truck. His birthday was 5 days after mine. I wasn't for sure I wanted to send him one, but yesterday I was looking at cards and thought, why not. So I wrote a little note inside. At least he'll know that I am thinking about him too. (If it was him who left the gift card on my truck). Oh well. I'm thinking he should get it tomorrow. He only lives about 30 miles away, so he may get it today. Omgoshhh. If I see his truck drive by I'll know he got it. Well I have to head out the door and go to school. God bless who ever comes to this page and reads. I don't believe I have much traffic, but thanks to the ones who do come by.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~Why do people do the things they do~~

Do you ever just wonder why people do the things they do. Like writing on public restroom walls. I will be the first to admit that my life can be boring at times, but its never got so boring that I've thought to myself "I think I'll go sit in the bathroom and write something stupid". Omgoshhh, every time I go to a restroom in public, you are sitting there and glance over to see some writing or phone number. If I had to put my phone number in a bathroom stall, then I would go shot myself. You'll see " For a good time call **********" , and I'm thinking, what are these people thinking. Or some random statement. It's crazy. Anyway, I was just thinking about that the other day and thought, people are really nuts. And all these different personalities out there. You just have to wonder what everyone is thinking about. Or what is everyone doing in their houses at night. When driving by houses sometimes, I wonder, "What are they doing tonight?" Or you see someone just sitting there a million miles away, just thinking. Are they thinking about food, or their man(0r woman). One of these days I plan on writing a book on peoples thoughts and why they do what they do. All though I don't think I would like to know every ones thoughts. That would be a little scary. My dad was sitting there starring into space and I asked him, "What are you thinking about" and he said, " I am counting my beers in my head" You see, he drinks about 15 a day, and has to space them out, so he was doing a mind check on how many he had left to drink. He usually saves the tabs in his pocket so hes knows. I wish he would quit, but he can't. He said if he did, he wouldn't have anything else to do. Anyway, everyone has a story, and I plan on finding out what makes people tick. Its a project of mine that's been on the back burner for a while now.

I think "Big Brother" is on tonight. I thought I heard them say Thursday night, I'll have to check. It is the last night which ever it is. Down to Dan and Memphis. Don't care for either, well if I had to pick one, I would for sure pick Dan. He did play the game the best. So GO DAN.
Well, I have soooo much homework to do I don't know if I'm coming or going. First I need to drive over to the Hobby Lobby and buy some art supplies, so have to get off here now. God bless you all, and have a wonderful day

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~A guy friend to remember always~~

Hi everyone..Hows everyone doing considering all the bad weather Texas has? I've been watching Hurricane Ike take over Texas. Its really sad, I have a friend that lives there. I hope him and his family are safe. Tonight I wanted to talk about a guy that I met a long time ago. I was working at DADC (sony), and had a boyfriend(my daughter's daddy) at the time. Me and Adam(my daughters dad) had been seeing each other for about 7 years at this time. My daughter was 2 years old. Me and Adam were having bunches of problems. For one, he was always going out drinking and staying gone for days at a time leaving me with the baby. And I was working 5, 12 hour days a week, so I was tired and stressed out, and always crying. So i met this guy at work. His name was Mark. Well, I'd heard one of my friends at work saying that this guy was interested in going out with me. My friend had told him he didn't have a chance with me. That really upset me, who was she to say that to this guy. Anyway, I thought about this guy all weekend long, and could not wait to go back to work and tell him that I did not say anything like that. We made this eye contact and he came up to me and said I really like your nail polish, and I said "Thanks" and he walked on. I finally went up to him and said "I did not say you didn't have a chance with me" and he said " I'm glad to hear that, would you like to go out sometimes" and it started from there. I wasn't really attracted to him. I got attracted to him when my friend told him told me what she told him "that he didn't have a chance with me" for some reason I felt sorry for him and had to make it up to him by going out with him. Omgoshh, this is where it gets good. I decided to get a babysitter and go out with him. We met at a bar, and had a few drinks. He wasn't that cute, and was not my type at all. But something about him kept pulling me to him. After we where there at the bar for a while, he went and played some music and came back and sit down next to me. He moved my hair from my face and told me I had the most amazing blue eyes. Then he held my hand and just kept looking at me. Then he kissed me at the table. Omgoshhh. It was the best kiss in the world. Well, we left and i won't go into detail from this point, but I fell in love. So then I had a big problem. I had Adam, who was mean to me, and was always gone drinking and not helping me with bills. And then I had this new man named Mark who was really wining me over big time. As time went on, I kept seeing him and was afraid to say anything to Adam. But eventually when one is seeing 2 men at the same time, things are bound to start happening. First he wanted to see me on Valentine's Day, but I told him I was going out of town with Adam. You see, he knew about Adam, but Adam didn't know about him. When I got home from going out of town, I had seen where he had tried to call me like a 100 times,and so did Adam. Not good. From then on things got bad. I tried to break it off with Mark, but he wouldn't do it. He said he loved me. So, he told Adam about us. How that happened was Mark went to the same bar that night that Adam was at. Well, they had a long talk, and Mark called me from the bar and told me he was sitting there with Adam and was heading to my house now. So they were both heading to my house at the same time. This was at 3 in the morning and I had to be at work at 6am. They both arrived at the same time and Mark told me to tell Adam that we were seeing each other, so I did. Then they started fighting in the front yard. Mark left, Adam came in and went to bed. I went to work. I came home and talked with Adam about the situation. I decided not see Mark anymore. But by then it was to late, because Adam had started seeing someone new. Omgoshhh. I felt so sick. I hated Adam for being mean to me, but I loved him as well. I can't explain this to anyone. So when Adam moved in with his new girlfriend, I kept seeing Mark. But was not feeling the love like I used to with him. Now I wanted Adam back. I cried every night, and Mark knew this. He knew he could not replace Adam. Eventually Adam came back to me. We got back together, and Mark joined the Navy. He was in the Navy for 6 years. Now we are friends and he is married to a woman in Japan where he now lives. The reason he joined the Navy was to be away from me. He did write me before he found this new woman and said he still wanted to be with me, but I told him me and Adam were together.
Isn't life crazy. If I had taken Mark, I could be living in Japan. That's OK, I don't really care for Japan..lol. Sometimes I do think of him though. He is on myspace. I was looking for his name and found it and wrote him a note. To think we go through life with different loves and just go on as nothing is wrong. I wonder which man was the right one because I am here alone and all my ex's are married and happy. I am still chasing the fantasy that me and Adam will live happily ever after. I still have the man that put that gift card on my truck...so I don't know who was "the one". Just one of my many guy friends. God bless you all and have a great night.

~~Hi all~~

Man, I was looking at my page and I totally forgot to post yesterday. Just had a busy day I guess..didn't really seem that busy. I did go to school all day, but was home last night. This stupid anxiety is driving me crazy. It makes me want to cry. I have panic attacks for no apparent reason. Like I am having a continuous attack today. Think it has to do with money, and trying to do school work, and wanting to be with a man (one that doesn't get drunk). Omgoshhh. I wish this feeling would go away. I wish I was one of those people that could just get up, and go about their life normally. I had to call my doctor and get my prescription filled. I hate making phone calls (that gives me anxiety attacks). And I am still waiting on the maintenance man to come. I thought he would come yesterday while I was at school but he didn't. Not sure why. It is really getting to me. I want to call my landlord and yell as loud as I can, but my anxiety won't let me, because that's not the kind of person I am. One reason I have social anxiety is because as long as I can remember, I have let people walk all over me and stand up for myself. So, people must see this in me, so they do it. Even people I don't know have before. They sense it I believe. I ought to put my landlords phone number on here and let someone do it for me. I bet some of y'all would have no problem calling her. But me, I can't bring myself to call her. I keep saying if he doesn't come tomorrow. My daughters daddy wants to go to her office. If he went to her office, I would be evicted the next day, because he is not nice to people especially when they are not doing their job. If I had a business, I would try my hardest to please my customers. So done with this conversation. (But I can't move forward).

Tonight is "Big Brother" night. Thank God. Its down to 3 people. Jerry, Dan, and Memphis. At this point not really sure who will win. The younger boys all ready have it figured out, and Dan has played the game the best. So I did want Jerry to win, since he is 75 and feel he needs rewarded for living in this world for that long without killing someone...lol..But Dan has been the best player. I just feel like people would vote for Memphis, who I don't want to win. If he wins I am never watching "Big Brother" again...not really, I will. But will be upset for a day. Not as upset as I am about my water, but close. I have my diet Pepsi max here with me, and just took a xanax, so hopefully I will feel better before I pick up my daughter from school.

I finally opened up algebra folder online and did some homework. Only because my teacher said it was due like now. I have 140 more to go..omgoshh...hate it so much. I have my first test next Monday. My teacher was going around the room looking at some of our answers the other night, and mine was wrong and I told him I wasn't surprised considering I have taken this class 4 times. His eyes got real big and he said "See me after class" I went up to him during break, and he said he wants me to work with this person at school who does only this, helps people "get it" He said this person would be glad to finally have someone he could help. If he can help me( lets just hope he doesn't look Johnny Depp, or I won't get it) he would be doing something. I want to get this so bad.

Tonight is also a debate between Obama and MaCain. I probably won't watch. I get tired of hearing the same old speeches on the same old stuff. blablabla. Give me reason to believe your speeches and maybe I will vote. I do like Sarah, but not sure why. Maybe just because she is a woman, and I am sick of seeing the men talking all the time. Anyway, this will be an interesting race now that I have something to work with. Before she entered, I was pretty much done. Now I may vote.

My cat is sleeping peacefully. No worries, no nothing. Doesn't have to worry about finding a job, or school, or a partner, or all of life's little surprises that we stumble across everyday.
OK, the goodness in today: I have no school today...ya. Big Brother is on tonight...ya. Nothing is getting disconnected today...ya. I'm not in bed sick...ya. I have food and diet Pepsi....ya. I got that gift card from someone that I believe is "the one"...ya. (I think ya). Its getting ready to rain and I love rain..ya. OK, I am done with the yaaaaaa. I know, I am past crazy. It's my anxiety, it makes me feel everything. One good thing about anxiety is the fact that I pay attention to every detail of everything I do. Nothing gets by me. I notice my then I wish I did. I did get an e-mail from NTI, saying they want to know if I have a certificate for C++, or A+, or something else. To Tell you the truth I didn't even know what that was until I just googled it. Well, I learned I don't...lol. I knew that already. Just seeing how I go about getting one. I did e-mail them back and told them I was working on my visual communications degree, and that I could learn anything on the computer. If not, could they please place me with another position. I pray they call me soon even though my student loans have been approved, I want a real paying job from home. Nothing else has panned out.
Well I am getting a headache typing so I need to get off here and just sit and relax and maybe get the nerve to call my landlord. God bless you all and have a great day.
I know my blogs are long and dazed and confused, but that's me. I type what I feel at this very moment. Not trying to impress anyone. Maybe helping someone.
Oh yeah before I forget. I watched the 9/11 ceremony today and was watching this man playing "Taps" while he was walking around and almost lost it. Maybe that is why my anxiety is so bad today. Brings back bad memories. To any fellow New Yorker's on here, love ya, or anyone who knew anyone harmed by this my prayers are with you always.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~You don't want to know my secret thought today~~

Well, I'm having anxiety at the moment. I am stressing on my stupid hot water. Do you know they still don't have this fixed. About ready to do some major cusin. I came home from school yesterday, and the closet doors where my hot water tank is was open, and stuff still sitting around it, so I knew he would be back. Not to mention he tracked in poo poo(in which I had to clean up before doing anything else) in on his shoes or something. Anyway, he still has not came back to fix. I so can't wait until the end of October so I can move out of here. When I first moved here, I thought it seemed really nice, but now, not so. Its loud, and they don't fix anything. Oh, the people above me usually both take their showers around noon. I hear it dripping in my bathroom. That problem started back in March, and not even going to mention it to the landlord again. I am so done with them. Man, why can't I just have an easy day, just one. Sometimes my days start out good, like yesterday, but then something happens, and upsets the apple cart...lol. School was good yesterday until I came home and found no hot water yet, and dog doo doo on my carpet. I did go to my algebra class last night, but got up and left a half hour early. That was my birthday present to myself. Now I'm getting anxious about going to school tomorrow. On Wednesday's I am at school all day., plus I have 2 quizzes in which I haven't studied for yet. I'm reading blogssss. To bad my quizzes aren't on blogging friends, I would ace it. Tonight is "Big Brother" night..yahhh. Maybe that will take my mind off school tomorrow. I can't find anything cute to wear tomorrow. I have to try and fit in with all the younger people ya know, and I'm having a bad hair day. Hair is frizzy...yuck.

Still trying to decide whether to send my friend (the one I believe put a gift card on my truck the other day for my birthday)a birthday card. His birthday is on Friday, but I don't want to get anything started with him if I can't finish it, you know what I mean. The last time we had something going I broke his heart because I could not get away from my daughter's daddy. Still the same problem. So, not sure if I want to go there right now. I don't feel like having all that pressure on me again like I used to have all the time. When I was living with my daughters dad, he drank all the time, so I felt this need to find someone new all the time. And i usually did. And I broke a lot of hearts doing so. So now, I feel relaxed not worrying about 2 men all the time. I was so wanting to get away from my daughters daddy and wanted attention so badly, I would find it, then give it back to them when they started wanting me back. I know that doesn't make sense. but that's what my life was like about 4 years ago. Now, I keep to myself. Like not long ago, I ran into a man I used to work with, but we never went out or anything. It wanted to give me his number, in which he did, but I never called him. Like I said, if there was any one man I would call it would be "the one" the one that put the card on my truck. Oh well. If its meant to be, it will be, only time will tell.
Well, I feel the urge to try and study for those 2 quizzes, I don't want to fail. Plus I need to go the Hobby Lobby and but some foam core for one of my art projects that is also due tomorrow. No wonder I am having anxiety, all this stuff due, and I am sitting here on my computer. What am I gonna do with my self?
God bless you all, and have a great day!!!

~~Good day at school~~

Just got home from school and I must say it wasn't to bad. I actually learned a little about illustrator in my graphics class. But its only Monday, so we'll see how the rest of the week goes. I have algebra tonight(good way to spend my birthday--going to algebra)Yuck! You know, I still have not done 1 single homework problem that we were suppose to do for tonight. I am so gonna be hating that when I get to class and he comes around to look at our progress. Oh well, I will get to that here soon.

The maintenance man was here to fix my hot water, but I believe he will be coming back since he left everything out. I wish he would hurry up and get her done, omgoshh. its been like forever since I've had hot water. Tonight I am going to fill the bath full and take a bubble bath. I did watch "Big Brother" last night but I can't really tell you what it was about because me and my daughter were trying to download Adobe Illustrator to my computer, so I gleamed at the tv in between problems. I believe Dan won a day on the beach, and he gets to take either a house guest that is still left in the house, or one of the jury. I think he is choosing to take one of the jury, but told his house guests that he wasn't taking anyone. He's a big fat lair, but playing the game well. They are down to 4 people, and this is the last week. Then maybe I can get some homework finished. I do have 2 tests on Wednesday.

I sit and look out my window now, ever since I found that gift card on my truck. I know he drives a white truck. Do you know how many white ford trucks there are? LOL. Silly me. Don't know what I would do if he did decide to stop by. I am so hungry, but waiting on the maintenance man to come back and finish. And I don't want to share with him, because he may think I am flirting, so I brought my computer in my daughters room so I could be out of his way when he comes back. If he comes back..that's the question. If not, there goes my hot bubble bath tonight.

I think I'm going to do some homework before I pick up my daughter from school. I might check to see if there are any opp's, but so far I've only gotten lucky once, and blew that because it got rejected. Every time I go there, there all red or grey. How do people actually make money on ppp? Do they stay online all day long and catch them? And I am still waiting on NTI to call me for that second interview. Man. That's OK, I will be getting my student loan in about 3 weeks. Then I can pay all my bills. Well, God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~Got a surprise today from "The One"~~

WOW...this is red hot. On Monday I will be 45 years old. So, not to happy this week, I have the Birthday blues. I see younger women, and even though I am not jealous, I feel old. I look at myself in the mirror and just don't like what I see now. It sucks, because my self-esteem has always been low anyways. Well, this morning when I went to get in my truck, there was a little gift card on my windshield wiper, so I opened it up. It was a gift card for 20$ for K-Mart. I recognized the hand writing, even though it did not say who it was from. It just said "Sunday 7th " and that was it. Even though he was one day off, I couldn't believe he did that. This is the man that I have wrote about before as being "the one" Its been over a year since I've seen him, and didn't even know he knew where I lived since I moved last year. But, it was his hand writing because I got out an old poem he wrote me over 4 years ago. This touched me in a way that I can't explain. Me and my daughter were on our way to see her daddy. But deep down inside I was so happy that he even remembered me. Then tonight someone knocked on my door, and I was afraid it was him..but it was my son and his girlfriend bringing me something for my Birthday. Now I don't know how to act. Just knowing that he knows where I live is mind blowing. What if he does decide to stop and knock at my door one of these days? omgoshhh...I always said if he knocked at my door and asked me to marry him I would. And I always pray that I will see him again. But today I got nervous. I mean, I feel fat, and old, and frumpy, and whatever else goes with being 45. What if he sees me and thinks bad thoughts about me? What am I talking about, he may never stop. I am getting myself all worked up for nothing. Oh well, it did make my day.

I still have not done any homework. I just can't get motivated about school this semester. I am trying to think of an idea for a web site, and that's about all I've done at this point. Next week I have 2 tests already, and the following week, I have 2 projects due. Omgoshh..Plus I still need to paint my daughters room before I move in October. And I will be working for NTI, so I will have a busy next 2 months.

Well, I think I will check to see if any opp's dropped yet. I have stilll only been able to catch one, and that one got rejected....lol. Oh well. I will get another, maybe..lol..I think I am at the point where I don't really care if I get one or not. I just enjoy releasing all my feelings on here, plus reading everyone Else's blogs. I have a few that I really enjoy and read all the time.
God bless you all and have sweet dreams.(oh yeah, they did look at my hot water, but can't fix it until Monday, they need to order a part, just my luck, now still warming water up on the stove..lol).

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~Web design ideas for class project~~

Sitting here trying to come up with a design for a web site I have to create for my web design class. We need three topics to choose from. I am leaning towards art history, but I think that may be a little hard as a first assignment, since I am learning the basics of web design. For some reason my mind is a complete blank. My mind is usually full of ideas. I have to use this as a final project to put in my portfolio at the end of next semester, so it really should be something I want to have a career in, but still lost in what exactly I want to do. I love New York, and my dream is to live there and have an advertising firm, or work there for a major magazine company. But, like I said, those are only dreams..I can't possibly leave my mom and daddy. Even thought I am 44, they will be needing me here soon to help them out. I want to help them because they have done so much for me. If I get a really good career going, I can do just that. So, I will go to bed tonight and try and dream of a good idea. Sometimes my dreams come true. I really want this project to be perfect. Also in my media graphics class I was reading the syllabus and I seen where we are expected to give about 5 presentations in front of the class. I swear I had the worst anxiety attack. Now I am wishing I didn't switch classes..I am so fickle. Man, I get myself in some good situations.

Waiting on NTI to call about job, and today I got an e-mail from Join.Us@paramends.com about a job. I need to send all my info on this one. It could be worth doing. Maybe I could do both, considering I can pick my own hours for paramends. But I still need to find time for school work. Oh, today I went to the bookstore and bought Creative Suite cs3, which is Illustrator. I bought it on my financial aid and it cost me 400 dollars..I know that sounds like a lot, but I really need this software to do my classes, and hopefully for doing jobs on the side when I do finish school, so I look at it as an investment towards my future. Well, I need to get off here, and try to catch an opp. They say midnight is when they start dropping. God bless you all.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~Big Brother~~

Hate to say it, but I believe Renny will be going home tonight. She is up with her friend Keesha, so I bet she goes. I like her too. Anyway, watch "Big Brother' and enjoy.

Sincerely. Barbara

~~Why can't they just fix it already, ****~~

Here we go again. Omgoshhhh...what do I have to do to get hot water around here. This isn't the first time I've had landlord problems. In March of this year, my bathroom ceiling almost fell through. The bath tub in the apartment above me started leaking, and flooded my whole bathroom. I called the landlord and she did send someone out that day. The maintenance man had to rip a big hole in my ceiling to fix the pipes above. He said he would be back out to fix the hole but never returned. Then in a few weeks I noticed it was leaking again, so I called them back so they could come out and refix the pipes and maybe, just maybe fix this big hole. I waited and waited and no one came. That problem is still not fixed. When the people above me takes a shower or whatever they do(don't want to know, my God), it drips down into my bath...and it grosses me out totally. I have to go in and clean my bath after they did done. Then on July 4th weekend, my whole bathroom flooded. I called them even though it was the 4th of July weekend only because I could not clean up all the water...I would soak it up, and it would flood again. When I called my landlord, she said "well, turn the knob under the toilet" and I said...." Its not the toilet..its coming from the floor" and I think she thought I was stupid because she said, "are you sure" omgoshhhh..I said "Yes, I'm sure, its coming from the floor" finally she said, well we'll figure out what to do and call you back...in the meantime, my bathroom floor was flooded. When they did come, she said that as soon as I called, someone from across the hall called with the same problem. And I still believe that is the only reason they did come out. Not because I called. So fast forwarding now to Tuesday at 9am..I called her and said, "I have no hot water, can you please send someone out to fix this" and she OK.
Its Thursday and still no one is here. I don't know what her problem is with me. The only thing I can think of is when I called her for the third time about the leak above my bath tub, she asked who came out to fix it, and said "I don't know, the guy with the pretty blue eyes" and she said, "oh, that's my son, and hes married" like I actually wanted him or something. Maybe they think I am a hussy or something. When my bathroom flooded and she had to come out, instead of a maintenance man coming out, she came with her hubby. Okay, I am gone venting about my landlord, and leaks, and floods, and what the hell ever. I will give her until tomorrow, and then its on..lol...seriously.

I loved watching Sarah Palin speaking last night. She is awesome in my eyes. I think the media is jealous of her, and trying to paint a bad picture of her. They will dig and dig until the find the uglies about her. Man, I hate when people just can't accept you and have to find something wrong with everyone. Just leave her alone and let her have her victory for now. Omgoshhh...this world is amazing. People. I just don't get them. (Still thinking about that hot water...getting steamed)..lol.

I still have not opened a school book today. I've been on my computer all morning doing nothing. Me bad. I just can't; I look over at them, and look away quickly as if they can see me...lol..they're saying "Barbara, your gonna fail, your gonna fail" "Shut up stupid books, I have enough on my plate worrying about my water. Oh yeah, this water here sucks too. When I moved in it tasted slimy and yucky, so I have to bring in water from my moms to use for cooking and drinking. I AM SO MOVING WHEN MY LEASE IS UP ON OCTOBER 31. And I can't wait.

OK, 'Big Brother' is on tonight, (it is Thursday, right?), yeah, it is. Anyway, I just a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi Max...Yes...so tonight will be a good night...not going to think about my water, or school. But, in the morning, I am for sure going to get all these things straight. Well, need to get off here. You all have a great day, and God bless you.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~A little of this, and a little of that~~

Watching "Project Runway" and waiting to hear Sarah Palin speak as John McCains VP choice. I'm flipping through the channels waiting. Seriously, I believe she is a good thing. I get so tired of seeing men in tight suites walking around looking for praise. Sarah is just what is needed in this race right now. Up until now, I was not going to vote, but now I may. Undecided still on this subject. Omgoshhhh, they have the camera on Sarah's seventeen year old daughter only because shes pregnant. Not far at all. I hate how people can be so judgemental . OH MY, Stella is out of the running on "Project Runway"; she is the leather girl. Her fashion was a little out there, but I still liked it, but not loving it. Not sure who I think should win at this point. My mind is fussy right now about everything. Whirling around like the wind. I was at school all day long, and it was OKay. I wasn't totally stressed, so I believe I made the right decision in dropping that class and replacing it with the one I did. Feel better about it. I am talking in circles I know. First project runway, then Sarah Palin, and school. Man, what a day. Oh yeah, I got my e-mail from NTI and I am going to be working with them. Everything was approved, now just waiting on them to call and confirm which job I will be doing. Thank God. Also, my first ppp was rejected. My link to my post was wrong, it was the link to my whole site, and they wanted just the link to that post. I don't know how to do that. Also, a few other issues about Old Navy...I don't know, I guess I suck when it comes to writing advertisements. I could have fixed it, and re submitted it, but just didn't feel like redoing it over.I don't have it in me for now. Will this stop me from getting further opp's?

Recap on what I just wrote because I am totally in the air tonight. Stella went home on "Project Runway"...Sarah Palin is getting ready to speak, John MaCain's new VP... NTI sent me another e-mail saying I am approved to work for them...My first ppp sucked...will try harder next time. School was good, well not good, just not bad....make since. Oh, and my daughter is in her room trying on clothes that are sleazy. She actually thinks she is going to wear this outfit to school tomorrow. I guess she will be yelling at me in the morning when I tell her no. Man, 14 year old are hard to raise. My son was not this hard. What to do, what to do. I did find a note while washing clothes talking about sex...now I am so worried. Not going there tonight. Like I said, my mind is whirling. God bless and have a great night. (and my hot water is not fixed yet. I called the landlord on Tuesday morning at 9am, and they still haven't came and fixed it. I am warming water on my stove, this is not right, I am getting more and more upset each day. I will be calling them tomorrow).

Sincerely, Barbara :)

~~Hot Water Blues~~

Well, its "Big Brother" night, Thank God..I told ya, I'm sad...looking forward to a TV show is sooo sad., Oh well, it will take my mind off going to school a full day tomorrow. Since I changed my schedule around, I now have a class on Wednesday from8:30-11:15, the one from 12:30-4:15, which I guess is good, I can get them both done and be done with it. Well, I do have one on Monday morning at 8;30-11:15 and then that night 6-9pm. And lets not forget my Web Design class I am taking online. Yuck. At least I got rid of Electronic Illustrator. But, I will still have to take it next semester, at least I don't have that stress right now.

Right now I am waiting on a maintenance man to come and fix my hot water. I thought it might be just a fuse, but not my luck. I had to call my landlord this morning. So now I am waiting. But at 3 I am out of here. I hope it they come when I am gone that they don't let my cat out. Omgoshhh, my daughter would have a fit. Well, gotta go for now..having some anxiety about a man coming in my apartment, I don't like strange men coming in here.
God bless you all and have a great day.

Sincerely. Barbara :)

~~Hanging in there~~

It's been a long weekend. Kind of glad its over, really the only thing I did was sleep in a little longer, which felt good. Been watching the hurricane updates most of the day. I am so glad it didn't do as much damage as predicted. Some flooding, and hopefully that will be it, but then Hurricane "Hanna" is on its way. I think Gustav and Hanna are a married couple coming together to cause some trouble. Their both just out there spinning around and around. I was planning on getting some homework done, but didn't happen. I just can't get motivated this semester. I did go in and change my schedule a little. Making a class change may make me less stressed out. We'll see about that.

I went to see my Uncle today, the one that just lost his wife(my aunt) last week. He's sick as well, and not doing to good. I am worried about him. He had his white cat sitting on his lap. It was so sweet seeing him sitting there with his kitty, I bet that cat was my Aunt Peggy's favorite cat..they have about 4 cats, and that white cat stays in the house. It probably reminds him of my Aunt, his wife. How sad. Love them both so much.

Last night on "Big Brother" Jerry won HOH, so now he has some power. There are 5 house guests left, and none of the other 4 wanted to be with Jerry. So he was all alone. But now, it is shifting in his favor. He put up Kesshia and Dan. Will let you know what goes down on Tuesday night when I watch it again. It ends on Sept. 16, so then I will have to find another fix. Speaking of fix, I have been out of my Diet Pepsi Max now for a few days...not good.

Well, this weekend has been long, and I have to get up early in the morning. Back to my regular schedule, so best be getting to bed. First I'm going to sign on to PPP and see if anything is happening yet. So far, i have 1..still hope I will catch some more this week. I need money badly. Hopefully NTI will call me this week. God bless you all, and come back and visit sometimes.

Sincerely. Barbara :)