Thursday, September 11, 2008

~~Hi all~~

Man, I was looking at my page and I totally forgot to post yesterday. Just had a busy day I guess..didn't really seem that busy. I did go to school all day, but was home last night. This stupid anxiety is driving me crazy. It makes me want to cry. I have panic attacks for no apparent reason. Like I am having a continuous attack today. Think it has to do with money, and trying to do school work, and wanting to be with a man (one that doesn't get drunk). Omgoshhh. I wish this feeling would go away. I wish I was one of those people that could just get up, and go about their life normally. I had to call my doctor and get my prescription filled. I hate making phone calls (that gives me anxiety attacks). And I am still waiting on the maintenance man to come. I thought he would come yesterday while I was at school but he didn't. Not sure why. It is really getting to me. I want to call my landlord and yell as loud as I can, but my anxiety won't let me, because that's not the kind of person I am. One reason I have social anxiety is because as long as I can remember, I have let people walk all over me and stand up for myself. So, people must see this in me, so they do it. Even people I don't know have before. They sense it I believe. I ought to put my landlords phone number on here and let someone do it for me. I bet some of y'all would have no problem calling her. But me, I can't bring myself to call her. I keep saying if he doesn't come tomorrow. My daughters daddy wants to go to her office. If he went to her office, I would be evicted the next day, because he is not nice to people especially when they are not doing their job. If I had a business, I would try my hardest to please my customers. So done with this conversation. (But I can't move forward).

Tonight is "Big Brother" night. Thank God. Its down to 3 people. Jerry, Dan, and Memphis. At this point not really sure who will win. The younger boys all ready have it figured out, and Dan has played the game the best. So I did want Jerry to win, since he is 75 and feel he needs rewarded for living in this world for that long without killing Dan has been the best player. I just feel like people would vote for Memphis, who I don't want to win. If he wins I am never watching "Big Brother" again...not really, I will. But will be upset for a day. Not as upset as I am about my water, but close. I have my diet Pepsi max here with me, and just took a xanax, so hopefully I will feel better before I pick up my daughter from school.

I finally opened up algebra folder online and did some homework. Only because my teacher said it was due like now. I have 140 more to go..omgoshh...hate it so much. I have my first test next Monday. My teacher was going around the room looking at some of our answers the other night, and mine was wrong and I told him I wasn't surprised considering I have taken this class 4 times. His eyes got real big and he said "See me after class" I went up to him during break, and he said he wants me to work with this person at school who does only this, helps people "get it" He said this person would be glad to finally have someone he could help. If he can help me( lets just hope he doesn't look Johnny Depp, or I won't get it) he would be doing something. I want to get this so bad.

Tonight is also a debate between Obama and MaCain. I probably won't watch. I get tired of hearing the same old speeches on the same old stuff. blablabla. Give me reason to believe your speeches and maybe I will vote. I do like Sarah, but not sure why. Maybe just because she is a woman, and I am sick of seeing the men talking all the time. Anyway, this will be an interesting race now that I have something to work with. Before she entered, I was pretty much done. Now I may vote.

My cat is sleeping peacefully. No worries, no nothing. Doesn't have to worry about finding a job, or school, or a partner, or all of life's little surprises that we stumble across everyday.
OK, the goodness in today: I have no school today...ya. Big Brother is on tonight...ya. Nothing is getting disconnected today...ya. I'm not in bed sick...ya. I have food and diet Pepsi....ya. I got that gift card from someone that I believe is "the one"...ya. (I think ya). Its getting ready to rain and I love rain..ya. OK, I am done with the yaaaaaa. I know, I am past crazy. It's my anxiety, it makes me feel everything. One good thing about anxiety is the fact that I pay attention to every detail of everything I do. Nothing gets by me. I notice my then I wish I did. I did get an e-mail from NTI, saying they want to know if I have a certificate for C++, or A+, or something else. To Tell you the truth I didn't even know what that was until I just googled it. Well, I learned I don' I knew that already. Just seeing how I go about getting one. I did e-mail them back and told them I was working on my visual communications degree, and that I could learn anything on the computer. If not, could they please place me with another position. I pray they call me soon even though my student loans have been approved, I want a real paying job from home. Nothing else has panned out.
Well I am getting a headache typing so I need to get off here and just sit and relax and maybe get the nerve to call my landlord. God bless you all and have a great day.
I know my blogs are long and dazed and confused, but that's me. I type what I feel at this very moment. Not trying to impress anyone. Maybe helping someone.
Oh yeah before I forget. I watched the 9/11 ceremony today and was watching this man playing "Taps" while he was walking around and almost lost it. Maybe that is why my anxiety is so bad today. Brings back bad memories. To any fellow New Yorker's on here, love ya, or anyone who knew anyone harmed by this my prayers are with you always.

Sincerely, Barbara :)

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